Inlove and confused

I'm 19 years old Female and this is my story of falling in love with the wrong person

I met this girl at a summer job and we became friends. We got close and she confided in me about her abuse. Her uncle has molested her as a kid and no one believed her. I'm also a survivor of child abuse in terms of physical and emotional by my mother , and sexual from my father when I was 6-9 years old. When I told my mom she never believed me only my aunt did because she witnessed it. My whole life Ive been dating and being attracted to boys but this was the first time I felt something for a girl.


I wanted to be there for her and help her. I never minded giving her anything even physical comfort. She wanted me to lay in her lap and stroke my hair, touch my face.
She'd ask for hugs. Hold my hand, interwine our fingers. Sometimes she'd get playful and bite my hand or lick food of my fingers while I was eating haha

One day she asked me if I like someone. I said no.She replied "I think I've a crush on you.Is it weird?" Then another time, while I was laying next to her she said I'm falling for you. She had a boyfriend (very recent) nd I eliminated the possibility of her liking me though my feelings were growing I kept it quiet and she knew I had a guy in my life for 5 years I was with (he was not my boyfriend but he was inlove with me but our relationship was complicated).

At some point I tried to break off our friendship. we had mutual friends but It was affecting my work
and as her boss it was stressing me out. I remember she cried when I told her (in my car) and her bf was watching us and calling her to go to him. Later I caved and let her back in when I saw how sad she was and I couldn't be without her.

The most intimate we got was at a sleepover. She told me she had a fight with her bf and asked me to lay next to her.Then she cuddled into me and asked me to stay, as she was half conscious. Another day we had a deep talk and then she pulled me close on the bed. Her arms were around me,my head was on her chest and I could feel her heart beating really fast. To me it was something pure, i felt safe and happy, it was when I confided about my abuse but I never ever told her about the sexual abuse my dad Inflicted on me was the same as the one her uncle did on her .

Then we started having problems. After summer ended, my male bestfriend had planned a surprise birthday for me.
She knew and told me about it over the phone when I was out with mutual friends A friend overheard me finding out and told everyone in the group, they all went against her. I defended her and said it's a mistake. She didn't show up at the birthday and was out with her bf.
Then I went to her house trying to resolve it. She said she wanted to be away from everyone. But she wasn't able to move on from me. Even though we weren't friends, I passed by her house 2 days later to check on her. (She lives very near to me) She asked me to stay as much as I can with her. "I can't get over you. You're addiction." She said, and cuddled into me on her bed. She told me even tho we were over she'd always be there for me if I needed her and I could stay with her if I felt depressed. (She lives with her parents, younger brother and older sister).

Then one night things got worse. I brought some drinks to her room to drink with her older sister. She called a mutual friend and lied saying we were drunk and "violent" and thrashing her room. After a huge amount of drama, her sister left for something. I broke down crying asking her why. She replied because you left me. Then she cried as well and asked for a last hug. I stayed until she fell asleep and then I left.
The next day I heard from her sister, that she had told her father I was suicidal and he said he'd never want to have me at their house again. I didn't speak to her for a while.
I saw her again at a mutual friends gathering. She came without an invite tho, and she sat there not speaking to anyone. She saw my best friend laying his head on me, and she gave us both dirty looks. I looked for a good moment to pull her away and talk. I tried to reason with her. She told me how she didn't deserve me. "Don't ask me where you went wrong. I'm so happy you and him (my best friend) are back together. Even though I hate him and I think he's fake and a p*ssy he's a good friend to you. Remember what happened in my bedroom? You said it's over. I shed tears for you and then we had our last hug. Goodbye."

Few days later, I called her to ask about her sister. Then she started telling me how down she felt and how she has no friends. I stayed to be there for her until she had to go. Then in a few days, I needed her. I sent her a text, to which she screenshotted and posted it on a girls group I'm not in (they're all Arab, I'm Canadian) and complained that I was stalking/obsessing/chasing her. They stuck up for me but I was appalled. She did not want to speak to me.

With her brother's help, I confronted her infront of her flat. I asked what's all this hatred, she said "I have to love you to hate you." She then asked me to get over her. I asked how did you do it? She couldn't look at me and said "I stopped thinking about you and having you on my mind. I stopped caring about what you need. "I can't trust myself when I'm with you.I don't deserve you. And you won't forgive me for what I've done even though I'm sorry and it makes me sad as to what I caused you. But we won't fix this." Then i said I was done and went to wait for the elevator,she ran and grabbed me, and hugged me so tight. I tried to pull away and she pressed herself closer and held her cheek against mine. She then asked if I'd like to come in to which I politely declined and left. She offered to walk me home, I said no. Then she texted to check if I reached safe. 2 days later I texted her saying I missed her how good things used to be. She showed that text to our mutual friends and said haha she's still running after me.

This kept going on for 2 weeks. She was bad mouthing me a lot Until one day she tried to reach out but I wasn't answering.
I knew her birthday had passed and I came one day with her brothers help (midnight) when her parents sleep. She saw me that I was abused. I had a black eye and marks on my cheeks. I told her I came by to give her a gift from a friend (it was true) but she assumed it was from me and said even though we are apart I knew u were caring for me from afar. She took me in and we made up

Then she called me the next day to come over late at night. She said she will miss me so much when she travels to university and she leaned in and kissed my nose. Then she said "where's my kiss?" And I shyly kissed her cheek. every night she started to call me after her parents slept to spend time with her in her room. Her parents liked me so I found it odd why we were hiding. Then she'd cuddle me and talk with me and again I kept my feelings so hidden. She'd even show me a gif of a guy kidding a girls neck and said wow my bf sent that and I laughed and said what's that and then she kissed my neck

Anyway she kept sneaking me in and I'd leave in the morning but one day we overslept until the afternoon. So she ask whyed me to stay so her mom can cook us lunch. I didn't want to stay but her mom insisted my friend got the food and fed me in bed
Then the problem started when her mom walked in and saw her cuddling me. It wasn't how we usually did. It was over the sheets, I was flopped on my back and was consoling her (she asked for the hug) and she was down bc she was on her period. Her arms were around my waist I just had an arm around her shoulders. And her mom started screaming in Arabic and began to hit her with her hands and even the remote of the ac. She fell crying. I tried to get in between to protect her. Then her mom left and called the father.

Anyway I left immediately. My friend called me saying her mom thought we are lesbians. I told her that's not true and I offered to speak to her mom to explain that it was friendly but my friend said no need she is crazy and messed up anyway
she still kept sneaking me in her house late at night and sneaking me out before 5am when her parents would wake up. With the help of her brother mostly.

Now she is talking about moving away and going for college together and live together and that it's her dream to fix me and herself. And that she'd choose me over her bf. But I don't know.
I wanted to tell her how I feel about her but I'm scared. I know bisexuality is forbidden in her religion and culture whereas it doesn't matter for me as a Western person but I live in a GCC arab country. No one knows I'm bi either.
Also I don't know if she feels the same though I manage to hide my feelings really well I don't think she knows.
I don't trust her in a way because above when we had fights she went and said bad things about me to mutual friends.
Please I need your advice and opinion on whether she feels the same
And should I tell her? Or just break it off ?

I tried to break it off another time I just told her I wasnt good for her and I have my vices of drinking, smoking and I struggle with mental health problems .. but she said it was too late to break it off and that she couldn't live without me . Then again we are both unstable individuals. I don't Want a relationship because I know it will never happen I can keep my feelings to myself but I would want to know how she feels