"There’s this thing in compsci that I remember, Recursion, where a specific function calls upon itself repeatedly in a program. So to solve the big problem, it uses the same small problem over and over as the solution to an increasingly complex solution. That, my friend, is how my software runs.” --Cameron Howe, Halt and Catch Fire Just a short evening thought. I was reading a book today that referenced recursion; separately, I found the below example of recursion, A child couldn't sleep, so her mother told her a story about a little frog, who couldn't sleep, so the frog's mother told her a story about a little bear, who couldn't sleep, so the bear's mother told her a story about a little weasel... who fell asleep. ...and the little bear fell asleep; ...and the little frog fell asleep; ...and the child fell asleep. I suspect many of us in the closet feel we're caught in an infinite recursive loop and will never find sleep (peace). But I hold out hope that we're building solutions, particularly in EC, because we're able to exchange unique insights on a share problem. Roy
I like this. This is very well thought-out, and I think you're right; I did feel that way myself before coming out, and oftentimes still do when I worry about how to broach it to people who have come into my life after the fact. I like to think EC helps a lot of us through the process; I think for me, it most definitely played its part.
Evening - thank you for reading my post and replying. Admittedly I think I hit 'post' early My speculation was whether closeted people developed anxieties, self-loathing, shame, and rationals to build their identity/understanding of their sexuality that led to closets, then consistently return to these methods to escape the closet. For example, shame of one's sexuality in time turns to shame of denying one's truth, anxiety of being found out turns to anxiety about losing out, etc. At least for me, constantly returning and employing these methods have slowly turned into promising solutions to the initial results of that built my closet.
That does make a lot of sense, really. I think this is a fairly universal experience, but I know I entered into a sort of "overcompensating" mind-frame in which I barely noticed or admitted my attraction to men (besides my husband), and the fear of losing out definitely wreaked havoc (and sometimes still does) because I've never had a relationship/intimacy with another woman. Where would you say you are in the midst of this journey? Do you feel confident, positive? Are you struggling with anything, or have you made your peace with certain things?
This analogy is great. Especially for bis like me. For gay people or straight people, it's very easy to be out in the open. Two men kiss at a sappy movie? They're gay. A man and a woman hold hands? They're straight. For me, I'm always thrown back in the closet when I make a new friend or a new SO. It's harder, I guess, but I would assume this happens to everyone at some point.
Evening - sorry for the late reply. Sometimes i think my journey is a kin to an Esher drawing, an illusion of movement but returning to the same point again and again. That said, I'm more at peace with my sexuality. Perhaps others face this at times, but I go through periods of time when I'm rather apathetic about my sexuality. That is, I'm so engrossed in life that my libido dies down and I'm not interested in connecting with anyone. Moods can animate feelings a lot, but I do go through periods when my mood makes me disinterested in sex, sexuality, etc and I'd rather just read a book.
Excellent analogy (Relativity is my favourite of his, probably because it's so often referenced in other things I enjoy). It can feel a bit like that at times, and I feel you when it comes to points where it just doesn't matter as much, because it's just another part of the whole you--out of hundreds of other fragments that make you who you are.
Interesting analogies. I never thought about it like that. I do sometimes feel the same as you wrote above though.
ha - love the fragments quote of yours. I think at times I put too much on my sexual identity which is counter productive. Closet can make integration a challenge
Hi Bastion - I think being in the closet causes me to hyper analyse things too much. It's as if I find just the right insight, everything will fall into place. As if I can out think the closet, which is, well, illogical
Nothing about the closet is logical. Because when I think about it. It is confinement in a narrow dark space. That’s why I don’t think I want to be in it or out of it. I think about a more positive outlook. Like dealing with each situation as it comes. It’s a part of life. A journey if you will. I choose what I want to do with reason and discernment as if it was like any day to day decision. I take action or I don’t. Off course I try to analyze sometimes the consequence of a particular action. But there were times in the recent past when I almost let desire win come what may. Then I considered it more and thought otherwise. So it’s all about your situation and state of mind. Freedom, control, restraint, choice. Everything in life is about choices not boxes or closets. I don’t know if this makes sense or not. But that’s how I like to think about it.
