Hi, So I’ve been wondering about coming out for quite a while. Basically a couple of my friends know but none of my family members. I’m considering coming out to my mum but I’m really scared. I know that she is very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community but I’m really anxious. I also have to problem that my sexuality is complicated and the opposite of well known (I mean who would know what Demi Panromantic asexual means without researching it first!). So I can’t just say I’m bisexual and run away. I would have to actually explain it. I’ve considered writing letters and I have all those ideas of how to say it but every time I try and draft it my mind goes blank. Yeah, has any one got any ideas on how to come out to close family members?
GreenAnonymous.....Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! Some important factors in deciding when to come out are: *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you. *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. You are 15 years old...there is a while until you are an adult. Even though waiting might be really difficult, living in a house where there is constant conflict because you came out and your mom/parents did not accept it could easily be much worse. You have to make that decision and in many cases waiting for a while until you will be taken more seriously is a much better choice. I'm not saying that you have to wait, I just think that you should give it serious consideration. *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can still be a problem. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out. *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
Thanks for all of that. Also the other tactic that I’ve heard is to wait until you’re in a (not heterosexual) relationship - is that a good idea or can that also have some down sides?
It might be worth sort of workshopping your explanation of your sexuality with your friends that you’re out to (or better yet, a therapist if you have access to that). I came out to my parents last summer and planning out what I was going to say and running it by other people helped me feel more confident. As far as waiting for a relationship, there are a few things to consider. For one thing, that could potentially take awhile. So, is that going to bother you being closeted that extra time? And then is it going to put extra pressure on relationships if you’re hoping for that to be the “trigger” to when you tell your family? And then, also, if your partner is a woman, are you going to be having to keep, secrets and ask her to keep secrets and hide things early on? And how’s that going to feel for you and her? All that said, I’m unclear on your age and circumstances. I’d listen to Quebec’s advice on making sure you’re safe. Especially if you’re not financially independent yet.
It can have its ups and downs, like coming out under any other circumstances--mainly that it can put a bit of a strain on your relationship if you aren't out yet, and put you in a position to come out before you're ready to/in a way you aren't prepared to. You can still do it that way of course, but it might be better to wait until you're ready without having the proverbial pendulum swinging over both your head and that of your partner. It's also important to think about the simplest way to explain your sexuality, both for yourself in initially coming out, and to avoid confusion on the part of your recipients. So what would you say is the simplest breakdown? That you have the capacity to be attracted to an assortment of people, but only once you've established a bond with them first? The latter is fairly common, so you might not even need to explain that, and as far as asexuality goes, that in and of itself might not require an explanation either--at least not right away. Coming out can be done in stages, and I think that's something that would work well in your case. But above all, @quebec has given you great advice already: only come out when you're absolutely ready to, and when you can be sure there won't be any negative fall-out as a result. It sounds to me like your mom would be okay to approach, given what you've told us--but again, unless you want to come out, there's absolutely no obligation to. Coming out is about you communicating to others who you are at a time when you feel most ready, and to whomever you feel is most trustworthy. If you need time, there's no shame in that.
I'd agree with BiGemini. It might be worth asking yourself which components of your sexuality bother you most that your family doesn't know about yet. Is it going to bother you if they don't know you're on the ace spectrum? Or is it more important for them to know that you may wind up being in relationships with people of multiple genders over time? And then, like BiGemini mentioned, I'd agree that maybe introducing those ideas in phases might be good to make it less confusing. And, in fact, the asexual part might actually be easier to introduce after you have a partner. In that case, I wouldn't think that would involve hiding anything because you're not going to be sharing the gory details of what you do and don't do behind closed doors with your partner. You are, however, going to be wanting to go on dates in public or maybe bring your partner to family events and things. So, in that case, it would be much easier for your family to know to expect you to bring dates around who aren't just cisgendered men. Is there a reason for your family to ever know you're asexual? Maybe. Maybe not. It just depends on if it bothers you or not that they don't know. But, if it is important for them to know, I could see it maybe being easier to explain by being able to talk about a concrete relationship (whatever that explanation looks like).
OMG I didn’t expect that much advice. Thanks so much. I think I’m going to wait until I at least legally allowed to have a job. I think the older I am the more seriously they will take me.
Hey as the others have said there is no rush but it is also up to you how in detail you make the coming out to people. Now it might be that with close friends and family you want them to know and understand every aspect of your sexuality but it is totally up to you. It would be completely acceptable to also just tell them that you are not straight and leave it at that.
