Never been attracted to someone in my real life, but don’t necessarily think I’m fully asexual?

Sexual arousal and attraction varies naturally and normally. Many people, especially in their teens and twenties, have an extremely high sex drive... but many others do not. Both are completely normal, and both fit within the realm of whatever your sexual orientation is.

What is absolutely true is there is an extraordinarily high correlation between childhood trauma and a low sex drive or low interest in sex. (Interestingly, childhood trauma can also do the complete opposite; it depends on how the individual processes the trauma. )

In your case, the emotional unavailability is 100% tied to the lack of interest in sex and/or relationships. Trauma causes emotional unavailability in many people, and emotional unavailability usually translates to a lack of interest in relationships and sex.

So, given the above, I think we can say with a very high degree of confidence that you aren't asexual, at least, not in the most widely recognized and research-validated definition of the word. More likely, the trauma is suppressing your ability to feel and experience emotion of all types

The good news here is, this is a 100% solvable problem. What it will require is working through the trauma and the other pieces of your childhood and family-of-origin that are getting in the way. Once you do that, you will be able to reconnect to your sexual self much more easily. Therapy is really the only way to effectively do this, and I would suggest finding someone with a specialty in working with sexual trauma survivors.

The very fact you're talking about this is a positive sign of your capacity to deal with it and work through it, and I hope this is the start of something wonderful for you.

 

Charlie.....First off, you have only five minutes to edit a post. So that is probably your problem there. Second...everything that Chip said is so very true. Also your second post and made it clear that your childhood trauma was not sexual, for that I am grateful. However, childhood trauma need not be sexual in nature to affect how you perceive your own sexuality as you grow up. The relationship with the parent/adult that caused the trauma by some kind of abuse can end up causing you to have difficulty in forming relationships with a person of that gender or in a position of authority, etc. My step father was extremely verbally abusive. It took me a long time as I grew up to be able to easily work with a man in authority over me, while working with a woman was no problem at all. It caused me to be suspicious of men older than me. I would automatically "discount" anything they said or any opinion they expressed. There could have been more to it than that, but I and my therapist think that was a big part of the problem. As I said Chip was right on about the prospect of asexuality. However, you should remember that even the most gay or the most straight person's sexuality does tend to slide a bit on the sexuality scale. I'm not saying a gay person can slide over to being straight! But the degree to which a person is attracted to another person of their preferred sex can change a bit. Sometimes people misidentify that movement and in the case of someone with an already low libido, it can be mistaken for asexuality...which it is not. I just watched a youtube video by two married guys who are both asexual! Yes...married and asexual! It was really interesting and I think you might enjoy it. Take a look!

Devin Graham (his name & the channel name)
Asexuality feat. my husband (title of the video)

I hope this helps clarify some of what you've been thinking about!
.....David

 

My original statement applies 100% to non-sexual trauma such as anger, hostility, physical, or emotional abuse to which you were subjected. There are many other things that can have the same effect, but those are perhaps the most common.