I have been posting here for awhile but finally started therapy last year. I chose and LGTBQ therapist with the specific intent of fully accepting myself and coming out, but as people who go into therapy know what you came in for is different from what you find out... I really, really really wanted to fully accept being gay but that's not the answer that emerged. I have been doing a lot of 'work' with EMDR, internal family systems, dissociative personality, revisiting childhood trauma, neglect (I didn't' realize how bad this was!) and sexual abuse (both of which were worse than I thought and my therapist thought my anxiety and dissociation levels were pretty 'high'). This is not really the forum to discuss it but in short my 'fantasies' and 'acting out' do not really gel with my 'core self'. This is not to say I am 'cured' of anything or the fantasies have stopped but i have a different relationship and understanding of them. It also made me realize why it just wouldn't 'click' in the 'real world' even with a very positive attitude about it. So I will be pursing a different path to healing that doesn't involve this board. That leads me to the 'confession' part - there were times on this board where I blurred the line between fantasy and reality - I did NOT mean to do this intentionally- when I was in that 'state' it's almost like another 'me' took over, but I wanted to first thank everyone for their support and understanding and apologize for misleading anyone. Lastly, I am NOT accusing anyone but if you are on this board just to use it to sexually fantasize (and its not actually helping you with your own journey) then you should consider its effect on people here who are seeking genuine help and answers. I know some (mostly guys I think) have confessed to doing this. Again, I want to thank everyone for their support and patience and wish everyone well on their journeys where ever they may take you!
Update: I still feel the same as above - and the (gay) fantasies have pretty much stopped altogether, and I now I have straight ones. I also feel literally different in my body - areas/muscles I realized that were literally holding tension for years...... none of this was conscious or deliberate, I could not even guess it would happen.This is the most bizarre unexpected I have experienced...and it seems directly related to my therapy and treatment (EMDR) but overall I feel great and connected to myself in a way I never have before. I won't be posting here anymore except maybe a follow up a few months from now.
Just wanted to say that I’m glad your therapy has been helping you so much and I hope that the rest of your journey is just as positive
out2019.....Thank you for your very forthright posts. This website is; "Empty Closets is a place where you can figure out who you are, surrounded by other people just like you. Whether you're gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, curious, unsure or a friend of someone who is," that's a quote from the Home Page of EC and if we have even been a small part of helping you find yourself then we have achieved our goal. While we most often find ourselves helping people who are not straight but have been smothered by family or society, it is just as important to help someone find that they really are straight when that is their true orientation. None of us want anyone to live for years suppressing their innate sexuality because many of us have gone through exactly that. So we are very glad that you have worked out this with your therapist...no actually make that Happy for you! Good luck and perhaps drop by once in a while and let us know how you are doing! .....David
Thank you @quebec - that was very kind of you - I was little hesitant to post this because I didn't ' want to imply I was 'cured' of a sexuality- But what emerged in therapy - after processing some trauma which included molestation I understood the reason for some of my coping mechanisms and fantasies I adapted... I am grateful to this site as a place I was able to finally face my feelings! Good luck to you all!
