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Update about crush’s relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by poohbearxo, Apr 19, 2022.

  1. poohbearxo

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    I posted the other day about my crush. We met last week and she confided in me about her current LDR. She said that her girlfriend makes her feel clingy, insignificant, she hardly messages her/calls her, she doesn’t listen to what she’s saying, doesn’t take interest in her life, and they hardly have sex. She basically told me that their personalities are completely different and she never knows where she stands with her, she doesn’t feel loved or wanted. She also said she can’t talk about deep things, future plans and she feels awkward making that conversation, whereas with me she feels comfortable and we can talk for hours and hours. They also only see each other once a month if that.

    During our conversation when we were laying on her bed, at times we’d just stare at each other when the conversation died down and it felt like we were going to kiss. I felt awkward about this despite having a massive crush on her, and I know for a fact it wasn’t in my head. It happened quite a few times too.

    Anyway, I advised her to talk to her girlfriend about how she’s feeling, and they did. she told me that they’ve had a good conversation and her girlfriend has been struggling with her mental health and has isolated herself from everyone and that’s why they haven’t been as close (which doesn’t make sense because she told me she’s always been distant etc). She said she’s glad they’ve had that conversation and her girlfriend will try and put more effort in and talk more, and she seems happy.

    i don’t know how to feel because I really like this girl. I felt like the other day the information she was saying about her girlfriend was very negative and almost as if their personalities don’t match and they’re not good together and they can’t change it. I replied and told her I’m happy they’ve talked it out and I’m always here for her to chat. I didn’t want to necessarily sway the conversation in any way, I wanted to stay neutral even if I selfishly wished they’d break up. I feel as if deep down she can do better than that and I listen to her and care way more than her girlfriend does (and she even told me that the other day). She apologied for dumping all her relationship problems onto me and said it wasn’t fair to me and it puts me in a weird position (Which I don’t know why she said that because if we are only friends, why would her relationship issues put me in a weird position?)

    i don’t really know what to do now. I guess I will carry on being her friend and being there for her. Part of me wishes I could just tell her how I feel, that I wish she knew i would make her a priority, love and care about her more than her girlfriend does, but maybe in time she will see that? I also don’t want to put her in an awkward situation and ruin our friendship.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @poohbearxo

    I’m sorry that this situation is still ongoing and has not been clearly resolved one way or the other.

    It’s positive that she has spoken to her girlfriend about their relationship, though the outcome may not have been what you wanted. However, I do stand by what I posted on one of your previous threads - your crush is not coming across that well. She gave you the impression that her relationship was almost over, openly compared you to her girlfriend and has now committed herself to working on her relationship with her girlfriend. It looks like she’s not being completely honest somewhere, and is it that really somebody you want to be in a relationship with?

    Fair enough, she may have been venting to you and in the process slightly over exaggerated. We’ve probably all done that at one time or another, but she’s acknowledged that this places you in a “weird position”, which as you say, it doesn’t really if you’re only friends. It’s normal for good friends to discuss and share relationship concerns and issues. So, she potentially knows that you like her or that there’s something there, and when you’re invested a crush, I can understand why that would seem like a positive acknowledgement. But to me, from the outside, it also suggests that she knows that she’s playing with your feelings and leading you on. Do you think that’s a fair statement?

    On the other hand, it could be that she can’t bring herself to be completely honest with her girlfriend, or a combination of this and the above. There could be many reasons for her not appearing to be honest with her girlfriend, such as communication issues on her own part, deeper feelings than she has indicated or concerns about her girlfriend’s mental health. We can only guess! But, the reality is that she was on the verge (it seemed) of ending the relationship, talked to her girlfriend about it and they are still together and now committed to fixing their issues. You need to look after yourself in this and tread cautiously. For example, put distance between yourself and your crush if that is what you need to do. At the moment, it seems that she has given you a lot of false hope, so have a think about how much more of your time you are willing to invest in this.

    You say that she deserves better. I think that you deserve better.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Apr 19, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2022
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  3. Sunchimes

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    Hello @poohbearxo

    @LostInDaydreams said it all here and I can’t add anything onto her great advice there.

    I just wanted to add that I’m sorry things haven’t gone the way you’d hoped they would.
     
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  4. poohbearxo

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    What makes you think she isn't being honest somewhere? Do you mean to me, or her girlfriend? To quote, she said it was inappropriate and it put me in a weird position (her ranting about her girlfriend to me). I definitely agree with the fact she maybe knows I like her, and knows she's playing with my feelings, but I don't think I have been that obvious about my feelings for her, I never flirt with her much because I don't want to overstep my boundary being her friend, but I do show a lot that I care about her.

    I just feel as if I am in an odd situation now, and from seeking advice from friends, they have all told me different things. Some have told me to just move on, and others have said to stay her friend and see where things go. I genuinely love her friendship, and we get along very well, but I just feel very stuck at the moment and not sure what to do. I wish she knew how I felt truly without having to tell her, or I wish I could get closure somehow (i.e. knowing from her that she definitely doesn't/wouldn't want a romantic relationship with me).
     
  5. Sunchimes

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    @poohbearxo

    If I were you I’d remain friends with her if you’re able to. You both have a very good friendship. There is no reason (if your emotions can handle it) for you to not have that friendship.

    You never know what might happen in the future with her relationship.
     
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  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @poohbearxo

    What I said above is based only on what you’ve written on the forum, so I’m not claiming to know better than you. You’re the one that knows her, has experienced these things and what you do next has to be your decision.

    Your posts implied that she had indicated that the relationship was not working and that as a result it would possibly be over soon. Did you think there was a possibility that the relationship would end? Did you think it was likely? From what you posted, I had the impression that she strongly implied that she was not happy in the relationship. I couldn’t possibly tell who she is not being honest to, but I think it’s very likely that she is not being honest somewhere. From my understanding of your posts, what she said to you did not align with relationship continuing.

    The direct comparisons between you and her girlfriend are unfair. It’s exactly the type of statement people make when having an affair. They paint themselves as a victim with a partner who doesn’t understand them, have time for them, etc. and tell the other person how much better they are for them, whilst having no intention of ending the relationship. It’s a fairly standard pattern of behaviour. I’m not saying that’s necessarily what’s happening here, but it’s something to be cautious of.

    It’s good that you’ve been able to talk to other friends about it. Do you need to decide right now? Maybe take some time to think about it. I understand that it must be very confusing, but it does need to be your decision. Perhaps you could reduce contact with her for short time, which would also give her space to reconnect with her girlfriend.
     
    #6 LostInDaydreams, Apr 20, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2022
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  7. poohbearxo

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    Thanks for the reply :slight_smile: yeah I completely agree, she did indicate it would be the end of the relationship and that she hasn’t been happy for some time, so I guess it was a bit of a shock when she said they are fine now and have had a big conversation.

    I’m definitely going to take your advice and back off for a while. I think I’ll take a few weeks of space to focus on myself and think about everything. You’ve been very helpful, thank you so much
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    That sounds like a good plan and you’re very welcome. :slight_smile:

    You can always vent on here if you need to.
     
    #8 LostInDaydreams, Apr 20, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2022
  9. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry things are so complicated with this friend. It sounds like a difficult situation all around, especially when you're walking a tight rope, wanting her to be happy but wishing that meant with you.

    Ultimately, only you can decide what happens from here: do you stay friends and allow her to keep confiding her relationship issues? Do you draw back a bit, give yourself time to recuperate from the emotional strain and allow yourself to see things with fresh eyes? Do you tell her how you feel and risk either her friendship or her relationship with her girlfriend?

    Regardless of your choice, I know it won't be easy. Perhaps you can tell her how you feel, but also make it known that you don't want it to impact your friendship with her or her relationship. That if she's going to make the choice to either stay with her girlfriend or not, it has to be one hundred percent her choice and have nothing to do with how you feel.

    Maybe you could even write or text this to her, to give her some time to digest it and decide on what she wants from there.