Where do I even begin. So I am 21 years old, definitely lesbian and I have huge problem with coming out to my parents and family. I am out to my friend group and literally everyone except my family for like 5 years, never had a problem with it. Everyone was supportive some people little less but overall it was fine. But for some reason I am terrified of coming out to my parents. They are not even too religious or homophobic(only a little, but it is because they don’t know LGBT people and are not interested in this topic at all, their opinion is I don’t care as long as I don’t see it), there is small change their reaction will be extremely bad. Very possible scenario is that my mother will say something like I don’t know what I am talking about or it’s a phase or something like that. My dad doesn’t care so he will just be silent. So it is not that bad. Maybe they will surprise me. Who knows. And the problem is that I am procrastinating this for 5 years. Because I get so much anxiety just thinking about it. My body starts to shake. It’s not very pleasant feeling. Also I don’t normally speak with my parents about topics like that so I don’t know how to bring it up. Also I am studying in another city pretty far away so I am going home for a weekend like twice a month. Right now I am single but I am going out with girls and had a girlfriends few times. And when I was in a relationship I felt terrible for not being able to say it to my parents. Also I lied about it few times because I feel ashamed for not being completely out at 21 years in almost LGBT friendly country (marriage is still not allowed but no one will beat you or something like that). So what should I do? Is it all just in my head ? I am definitely overthinking and overcomplicating this. But I just can’t bring myself to do it, is there a way to stop postponing this? Because I feel like I can’t continue in not telling them is it too much for my mental state not saying something for so long. Thank you for reading this to the end just writing it helped a bit.
I'm 48 and just came out as bisexual, so to me five years is a drop in the bucket when it comes to procrastination if you call it that. I haven't told my parents, just because I am waiting for a natural time which is coming up to mention it. Even if I pretty much know/knew what people's reactions would be, it is still scary.
Is there any pressing need to tell them now? I mean, you're an independent adult woman. Apart from a couple of times a month, you're not living under their roof. Unless you've got a serious girlfriend you want them to meet, I'd say there's no rush. Also...it might well be that they've put two and two together. I mean, you've obviously not had a boyfriend since your mid teens - they might well have already guessed..
Gress.....Sometimes I suggest to people that they may want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! *****When you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
Thank you for replying. Well I also tell myself that I’m waiting for natural time to tell them but in my case it is not true because I had plenty of opportunities to tell them especially when I was living with them. I don’t see how it will change if I didn’t tell them to this point. I am sure that you can imagine how it feels to be out and then coming home from uni and still be in the closet even if it is twice a month.
You are correct there is no rush but it’s about me I feel like this “secret” weighs me down and I would feel much better if I told them but I can’t for some reason. They are clueless. It will be a shock for for them. I have lot of straight friends that never had serious a relationship. It would be better if they suspected something but they don’t because they think it is very rare not to be heterosexual, it is the norm.
Thank you for the advice. I will definitely look into it. I came out to lot of people and some of them had these type of questions so I can answer them that is not what I fear. I don’t know what I fear that is the problem. I just can’t bring myself to tell them and I have been planning on doing this since I was 16.
Hey, coming out to your parents is a really scary step, even if they are not homophobic or religious or anything. They are you parents and so it can be a big step. Do you think they would be open to reading some information about the subject? If so perhaps there is some information on the PFLAG website that can help you. It is totally up to you whether you tell them now or wait but I can understand how it feels like a big weight. Are you reliant on them financially?
Hello, @Gress! I think you've gotten some great input thus far, but I'll add my voice to the bunch, too. Firstly, coming out is intensely personal. It's about doing it how you want to, when you want to. It's never a matter of when you "have" to. You may have been carrying this for 5 years, but you have nothing to feel bad for; sometimes we need time and the right incentive to approach these difficult discussions with family, and coming out to parents who are mildly homophobic--even if they can't and won't do anything to hurt you--can still take a toll. Especially if your relationship with them is otherwise good. The choice of coming out to them is entirely yours. But if you're looking for the right time, I'd say whenever you think you might be getting into a serious relationship. You can tell them in an email, an old-fashioned letter, over the phone--or you can wait to tell them in person. There's no right or wrong way to do it, so long as you feel ready to.
