lesbian?

Hey welcome to EC. I think there are lots of people here who have been in similar positions. Nobody can tell you exactly what your orientation is but I’m sure we can help you figure it all out.
You have spoken a bit in your post about your attraction to men and that you don’t feel it even though you try. The truth is you shouldn’t really have to try. It should be something that comes naturally. That fact you are at an all girls school shouldn’t have an impact as there is lots of exposure to men in other aspects of society.
You haven’t mentioned much about your attraction to girls but I’m assuming now you have allowed yourself to think like that you don’t have any problems with feeling attraction to girls?
I can understand wanting a label most people do. From what you have said it sounds like you kind of know the answer but would like some reassurance. It definitely from what you have said sounds like you are a lesbian. If you don’t like that word you can use gay or queer if that helps. Labels are really for you to feel comfortable and to help you explain yourself to others.

 

Hello, @efg78! @silverhalo has given you some great input already, but I'll add my two cents as well.

Though I'm not a lesbian myself, I've actually come across a number of lesbians who have admitted to finding some guys aesthetically pleasing; male celebs in particular. What they lack, however, is a strong physical/sexual attraction to these men. So in all likelihood, heteronormativity has played its part. It's also not uncommon for a lesbian to have experienced (or rather, thought they experienced) genuine attraction to men before coming out. Oftentimes in this case, once they've accepted their same-sex attraction, any illusion of being attracted to the opposite sex fades away.

Is it possible you could still develop genuine attraction or feelings for a guy? Sure. But the impression I'm getting here is that you won't, which would make you lesbian. Your discomfort with the word is definitely an aspect of internalized homophobia, and that's okay--don't feel bad about that. We all suffer from it at one point or another, because we live in societies where being straight is the norm. Many of us have had people--friends, family, bullies at school--ridicule or express disgust towards same sex attraction, and it is these things that contribute to that inner sense of shame, guilt and disgust we feel about ourselves.

It may take you some time (it likely will, in fact), but you will overcome this. It might be gradual, or you might find yourself taking several steps forward just to take as many back--but with time, support and patience, you'll come to accept and even embrace this aspect of yourself. And judging by your impulse towards other girls (wanting physical closeness) I'd say that while we can't say for certain that you're a lesbian, we can at least say you aren't straight.

I hope this helps, and that you will continue to seek support and input on EC as you continue on your journey of self-discovery.

 

I am a lesbian, but I also despise the word bc it has such a negative connotation. My family (especially my dad) would make negative jokes about how lesbians acted and walked so “manly.” For a long time, I thought I couldn’t be a lesbian bc I’m so femme!!! The word “lesbian” has been used against us for too long! We need to reclaim the word and redefine it.

 

For what it’s worth, when I was first trying to figure it out, my therapist had me just observe (when in public spaces with a mix of men and women), who my eye was drawn to if I wasn’t trying to force things. Or you might could sort of try it with movies. Who catches your attention? The men, the women, or a mix? If you’re watching a movie with both attractive men and women and you allow your attention to go where it naturally goes, who are you focusing on? For me, there was a very clear answer. (For instance, if I’m watching an Avengers movie and Black Widow’s on screen…Scarlett Johansson has my attention every time)

Also, I get the impression having forced “celebrity crushes” is pretty common for lesbians. I know I basically picked a couple as a kid just to try to be able to sound and feel “normal” in conversation. For that matter, I did the same with boys at school. But, if ever actually faced with them, for me I was never going to feel anything romantic for them like I do for women. Not sure if that helps.

And then I also second using the term “gay” or “queer” for awhile if it helps. A big thing for me when I very, very first started coming out was just looking in the mirror (when I knew I was alone) and saying “I might be gay” to myself and seeing how that felt. It’s cheesy, but it helped.

Not sure if any of that helps. Good luck! Also, it’s ok if it takes a minute to figure out. And it’s also ok and normal if you try on a label for awhile and (after learning more about yourself) realize another label fits you better. It’s a journey. And it can be a disorienting one. We’ve all been there.

 

I’m so sorry you experienced this from your dad. Something similar happened to me growing up so can really relate. I have met some wonderful lesbians and have started to look into the word and its origins. This has helped me reclaim the word for myself. I’m getting more and more comfortable identifying as a lesbian, but sometimes I still also say gay woman.

 

Yeah, reading up on Sappho (if you haven’t) or on the island of Lesbos might make you feel better about the term. Truth.