Impaired ability to learn when young?

@Roy Batty
Yes! So inspiring. Kid of the 80s/90s too. Learning about art, music, cinema, theatre.... I was attracted to avant garde ideas, and especially gravitated towards queer artists, deconstructors and disruptors.
Thinking about the self awareness/learning about self aspect, even though I studied hard and was so inspired by all these artists I didn't feel as though I had a place within? thinking I was on the outside looking in, i was unable to put two and two together
Then earlier this year I went back to a chapter I'd written for a book 3 years ago, and realised I'd written a love letter to the film's (female) protagonist. and I'd delivered a lecture on desire and film last year to some undergrads and when I went back to my notes the lecture was passionately focused on LGBTQ artists. And then I went back to the films I made for my Masters 10 years ago and jeez.... Wow. It was all there, bubbling under the surface. He he. Wish I could've put it all together sooner.

 

Hahaha - loved your post.

I took the name Roy Batty (or Baty if referencing the book) here because Blade Runner was the first movie I remember hitting me, at a visceral level. In hindsight, I think it was the first work of art that put into focus the growing sexual confusion in me. The cinematography was stunning, but the replicants resonated with me as my sexuality began to awaken. I was memorized by Rutger Hauer and remember being so confused why I was devastated by his end. I also remember after watching the movie being so agitated by it because I started to realize I wasn't like those around me and would be hounded because of it.

I moved a lot as a kid, so was the consummate outsider, therefore looked to art, music, literature for solace and meaning. I really didn't understand my sexuality or could give voice to why I felt different, but could find connections in aspects of it in the 80s/90s culture. I'd spend hours in bookstores/libraries skimming through literature about the disenfranchised, the rebels, and or the 'dangerous' characters who challenged norms and unsettled those around them. I kept well-hidden notebooks with quotes, passages, art that hit me. Movies/books about alternate worlds, subtext, antiheroes, helped me keep moving forward in my awakening with not much access to overt queer culture (god bless Chris Clarement's X-Men comics). Also, made I made mix taps from new wave artists, college rock, punk, etc., that pieced together where I was in life (wish I could find those). Like you, in hindsight, I was coming out in various stages through the 80/90s artists, I just didn't have the advantage of having open role models or an accepting environment to put it all together till college.

I was always athletic and quick enough to drift between the jocks and the creatives, but my fondest memories were the art and artist that put their proverbial arm around a lonely kid and let me know I wasn't alone or a sinner.

p.s.

I read a wonderfully queer book a year ago by Catherynne M. Valente titled Space Opera. She has a great quote in the book, " Because the opposite of fascism isn't anarchy, it's theater. When the world is fucked, you go to the theater, you go to the shine, and when the bad men come, all there is left to do is sing them down."

 

For me as a child it was not about me suppressing my sexuality, but my family not encouraging or allowing me to express myself, emotionally or sexually. It is my experience that they suppressed ”for me”. Sadly, they suppressed themselves as well. How does a baby learn to smile? It smiles back at their mother in the process of ”attunement”. I think that all learning is social. For most of my childhood, I did not have this emotional mirroring available to me in my family, nor later in school as I was so preoccupied with the social stuff. I feel a lot of my ”mind space” and ”feeling space” I could’ve used for focusing on academic learning, I was often sad and lonely, not understanding myself. Fortunately, I had a cat. I learned empathy and social skills by taking care of her, and in return she gave love to me. So I learned to be a caring human being in that way. There are always negatives, but there are so many positives too. I dropped out college, but over time I caught up and now have good education. I do think that allowing people to feel is key to any learning. Feelings give meaning to actions be it making love or reading a book on chemistry.

 

I love this question.

On "paper", or as far as academic expectations are concerned, no. On an emotional level, and the ability to form healthy, beneficial relationships, absolutely. When I look at the gay community in my area (Toronto) I do wonder if a lot of folks are fully grown adults with the emotional capacity of teenagers. I do also wonder if this extends to a generational issue from growing up during the first wave of social media.

For me, I grew up in a small conservative town and was bullied a lot from a early age for being myself. I had to learn to play a character to survive. I had a family that was not accepting, so during my developmental years I was incredibly lonely and isolated. Any friendships I did make were on false pretenses. Sometimes I wonder if this is why many gay people are attracted to theatre and have "innate" abilities to act and play characters.

When I was a teenager, I would dream of the day when I could leave and finally be myself with open arms. However, I think how we grow and develop as teenagers, and the affect it has on our adult lives, is understated when we don't have the tools to gain self awareness with others from an open and non judgemental place.

This fantasy of a geocure meant once I could finally leave, a lot of the habits I developed to survive stuck with me in insidious ways. I had a harder time trusting people, being honest, or having the self respect to only engage in healthy relationships. It was as though if I wasn't "fixing" someone I had no value. The amount of guilt, shame, and self-hate doesn't just go away when you run away, and I learned that the hard way.

Just throwing it out there, let me know if it resonates