Greetings

Welcome to EC.

Thank you for sharing your story so far. I hope that you find the support you’re looking for here.

 

Dan.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give support if you need it and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. We have some similarities...just twenty years back. You came of age in the 80's & 90's, I came of age in the 60' & 70's. College was also where I began to find out who I really was. I went through the death of my soulmate as I was near the end of college. That event destroyed me in many ways and I turned my back on my sexuality and forced myself into a "straight" mold for the next 40+ years. And If I may quote you "in that time I've built a life with those I love and a career." In 2014 I finally was able to accept that I am and always have been gay. Since then I've been rebuilding my life, doing my best to keep the good...and there is much that is good...and eliminate the not-so-good. Almost all of the not-so-good is within me and I can say that I have made progress in the last 7 1/2 years. A lot of that progress has to do with the wonderful people here on Empty Closets who have helped me so very much. I have also been seeing a therapist for some time now and that was one of the best choices that I ever made, along with Empty Closets!
So, back to some info on EC...when you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum:
*****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.
*****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can post a question on my Profile Page or send me a Private Message.

.....David

 

Hi Dan! Welcome to EC.

I grew up in northern VA! I definitely miss it at times.

The situation you describe is not uncommon, and certainly complex. There are many stories here in the 'later in life' area of people who have been in your situation, and many different resolutions to it.

One thing that I do think is important in the long term is that you be able to be open with your loved ones. That doesn't necessarily mean ending your marriage. The impact to your worthiness and your sense of self from keeping that secret is severe, and can, over time, impact not only self-esteem but health.

The good news is, there's no rush, and you can take the time you need to figure out the solution that's right for you. I suggest you dive into the threads, post about your thoughts, and begin to determine for yourself what is right.

I also recommend Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", which has almost nothing to do with finding real love but everything to do with understanding yourself. There is a chapter dedicated to heterosexually married gay men, and I think you will find it particularly profound, because it explains that the decision you thought you made alone was probably not actually just yours... Dr. Kort has found that most wives, once their husband comes out, acknowledges that they knew or suspected, and were complicit in keeping the secret. The book is probably out of print, but you can usually find used copies pretty inexpensively on bookfinder. (He has a similarly-titled book as well, that ends in "improving their lives", which is not at all the same and I recommend getting the specific title I recommended.)

I hope you will stick around and dive into the conversations!