Hello all, My first post here on EC. Been a follower and supporter for many years . Here for some guidance myself now. Sorry for the long summary here. So I’m a male in my 30s, have been struggling the last decade or so around my sexual identity/orientation. A couple of points. As far as dating , I’ve never really had a girlfriend. Have dated a couple females in the past but when it came time for intercourse I would freak out . Never able to maintain or get erections . I would enjoy the other stuff like kissing, foreplay and oral sex. Had no issues with arousal there but intercourse has been a problem. I have no issues finding women to date, but the shame of not being able to get it up prevents me at times of looking for new opportunities. Due to these issues w women I sought therapy over the last decade or so , thinking I may be gay. However I generally am not attracted to guys. When I masturbate without porn as is recommended on here , it’s fairly more easy for me to get aroused/climax from thinking about women vs men. The third variable in all this that has caused the most confusion for me is porn. I’ve been hooked on porn for nearly 20 years . It started with just looking at women then evolved into all varieties including gay porn and trans porn . Trans porn has definitely become a dominant preference of pornography for me. That also made me question the variance of my sexuality given how turned on I was from the porn. In particular porn that depicted trans women dominating or topping men. The challenge with porn is that I’m fairly certain I’m addicted . It’s extremely difficult for me to successfully masturbate without porn. My brain is visually hard wired to see it . There’s been plenty of times where I’m also able to look at gay porn and can get pretty aroused as well. At times I wonder if porn is a reason why I’ve struggled in real world sex. At this point I’m looking for what are next steps ? I do suffer from anxiety , though I’m not certain that is causing all this sexual confusion. I may consider going on a date with a trans woman , see if those porn habits actually translate into reality of what I enjoy ? Any suggestions with what is happening here ? There also remains a possibility that I do indeed have attraction to guys , and I maybe bi or closer to gay after all? Or is there a world where I’m only attracted to trans women, not cis women ? Lots of confusion going on here .
Hi bro. I'm literally at the same boat as you. I am a straight guy who used a lot of porn in my life. I understand this pain of not knowing about your sexuality and there's a lot of people here who feel the same. Transwoman pornography is probably the only thing i really enjoy masturbating to, though i' trying to quit now, don't know about you, but my fantasies with transwoman are extremely arousing to me and is the only type of fantasy i can masturbate to now. I already put things in my mouth and though about doing bj to them and were extremely arousing, though with man i dont feel the same. I posted about this days ago about this subject, and from what i learned no you are not gay. You said you tried fantasizing with mdn and it's not working so you're not gay. I have ocd and my test fantasies give me some sexual responses and even with this people here say i' not gay, so neither are you. Transwoman are woman, so if you're attracted to them you are atracted ro woman, even cis woman. And the answer to this is the fact that you don't get aroused when you test. The problem itself is porn, maybe just like me, you don't have a true desire for transwoman, or maybe you do. But in a lot of times is a consequence of constant use of pornography, because it's very different from real life. So i can't say if going on a date with a transwoman would help since you're too exposed to pornography. But at the end of the day, they are woman. So you like woman. And please quit porn, and try not obsess over it, you said you have anxiety and this can lead to some type of ocd(like myself) so please take care!
I can’t help you with the porn part because I don’t have any personal experience on the subject. I hope that someone else with the personal experience you need will come along to answer those questions. What I can offer you advice on is the intercourse part. Intercourse isn’t necessary for you to have a happy and healthy relationship with someone. If you are comfortable doing all the other stuff don't feel ashamed. Those feelings are valid. You just have to make sure your next partner is aware of those feelings and respects them.
Hello @Lost Soulz Thanks for your message and your sharing. Regarding the porn part I can share my own experience. I started watching porn since my teenage years (I'm 37 now) and acknowledged last year that I have a problem with this. I couldn't control my urges and constantly gave in to them. I started watching more extreme forms of porn (a lot of trans porn, rape scenes etc) until I finally sought help and started therapy to fight my porn addiction. I found out that underneath this addiction was a lot of anxiety, discomfort (with who I am), and insecurity that I everytime numbed by watching porn. I can't say that I fully recovered by now, but I can say that my therapy helped me out tremendously and I can really advice to seek some help from a professional. It seems like a bit step but it's really worth it.
Lost Soulz.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give support if you need it and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! I am so glad that you have reached out to a therapist about your porn addiction. As you probably know by now, porn is not reality and is deliberately designed to be enticing and addicting, they want you to come back over and over. I think that working with your therapist will also help you to work out the other issues you mentioned. It was the very best choice you could have made to find a therapist. I can say with certainty that finding a good therapist was one of the best choices that I have ever made! Any how...back to the forum...There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are a lot of people there who have dealt with the same kind of problems that are challenging you. When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can post a question on my Profile Page or send me a Private Message. .....David
