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How to not overthink coming out to my therapist

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Alex2, Mar 31, 2022.

  1. Alex2

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    So, for quite a while now, I've wanted to come out as non-binary to my therapist, but I can't stop overthinking how to do it. He already knows that I go to a GSA, so he probably already suspects that I'm LGBTQ+, but I'm guessing he thinks I'm gay or something since he's mostly only seen my masculine side. Also, it recently dawned on me that a big reason I'm overthinking this is that I only know what he's like as a therapist and not so much as a person. Knowing the personality of everyone who I've come out to has been a big help throughout the process (such as figuring out how much explaining is necessary, whether I should tell them in a letter vs in person, long-winded vs. straight-to-the-point approaches, etc). I'm sure he'd be very accepting and helpful if I come out to him, but every time I try to write an email or plan what to say in real life, I get trapped overthinking it and eventually get frustrated and give up. Any advice on how I can stop overthinking this and just let the cat out of the bag?
     
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  2. Lek

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    Hi, Alex2. By "overthinking it", do you mean you talk yourself out of telling your therapist?

    I don't think that knowing a therapist as a person is supposed to happen. A therapist is there for you so you can deal with your issues and identify choices that are healthy for you.

    Perhaps discussing your process about telling him LGBTQ+ would open up a useful exploration. What is actually going on that makes you give up?

    When I was in therapy, "I'm gay" was one of the first things I said because I had issues I wanted to deal with. That worked for me.

    Good luck and keep us posted.
     
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  3. bsg75apollo

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    I understand your concerns. I recently told my therapist and felt the same. This of course after seeing him close to a year, so I had something to go off of. In the end, I just blurted it out. I am a notorious over thinker as well. For once I went with my heart and not my head.
     
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  4. TinyWerewolf

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    Having had a transphobic therapist(s) I can understand the hesitation and why you would want to know them on a more personal level (if you have questions, ask and I'll try to elaborate). @Lek is right though, there is supposed to be a bit of a barrier there. It would be unethical.

    Please do elaborate on your thought process here though, maybe we can help you jump over those mental obstacles in the way.
     
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  5. quebec

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    Alex2.....It is normally not common to know much about the personal life of your therapist. The therapist needs to remain impartial as they work with a client. If the therapist and the client develop a personal relationship, it becomes more and more difficult for both to have honest, often difficult conversations. Those conversations are necessary for the client to make the kind of progress that therapy is all about. So I would suggest that you go ahead and come out as NB to your therapist. As you said, he may already have suspected it and I really doubt that it will come as a surprise. Therapists are trained at school and by experience to notice things like that...he maybe just waiting for you to tell him! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  6. sunbird

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    Hi, I think I can see what you’re saying about a therapist’s personality. Is it like your weighing between ”he seems pretty chilled out so I feel comfortable around him” or ”he can be quite stern sometimes that scares me a bit I fear coming out to him” sort of thing? I personally couldn’t talk to a therapist who felt ”rigid”. I need a therapist who is chilled out enough with enough ”don’t care & will support” attitude emanating from her.

    I sat with thinking I’m gay for a long while before I could tell my therapist. For a long time I did what you’re doing - wondering about the ”how”. It got to a point where it was eating me up quite a lot. I wanted and needed her to know this aspect of myself and finally told her and it came out from my mouth as a kind of a word vomit… Don’t know if this helps but perhaps you could begin by telling him something like: ”I’ve been thinking about telling you about an important aspect of myself for a while now and am struggling with how to tell it to you… I wonder what that is about…”

    Good luck with this. I know it can be so hard! I hope that eventually you will get to express what you want to express and will be met with a type of response that feels validating and supportive for you.
     
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  7. Sunchimes

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    Hi @Alex2

    I am also non binary. When I came out quite a few years ago, and even now when I introduce myself to new people, explaining my sexuality seems to be the easier part to explain as opposed to my gender.

    Perhaps first of all tell your therapist about the difficulties that you’ve been going through in finding a correct label for your gender and sexuality. That opens up the conversation. You can then talk about the labels you have chosen and how you feel you would like to share this information since it’s a massive part of yourself.

    I understand when you mention not knowing the personality of your therapist. It’s not that you want to befriend him, you just want to know if he is laid back, empathic, accepting etc etc. I’ve never seen a therapist but with my GP they have to be friendly and understanding in nature and are able to share a sense of humour. Some Are stuffed shirts and hardly give you the time of day. I have to have a GP with a personality. My current GP is wonderful and her personality makes it far easier for me to talk to her about anything. I don’t know her personally and I wouldn’t want to. So I understand what you mean when you say you wish you knew him as a person.

    I would also find it easier telling him face to face as well. If I emailed, I’d be dreading the next time I’d be seeing him. Face to face you can see his reaction and hear his tone of voice in his responses. I’m sure everything will be ok.

    Good luck with it.
     
    #7 Sunchimes, Apr 13, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2022
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  8. gabstar123

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    oh my gosh I have a similar problem!! I’ve been seeing my therapist for two years now and so it feels like coming out as bi to her is just as hard as it is to come out to my friends!
    You aren’t alone xx