Hi I'm a 40 yr old male and recently came out as bi to my girlfriend and friends and family. It was hard on my gf but she has been very understanding and accepting. My family and friends of whom I have told have been very supportive. I consider myself bisexual heteromantic. I want to be in a monogamous relationship with women only since I am romantically and sexually attracted to women . With men I am only sexually attracted to them. I have no emotional and romantic attraction and attachment to men. I have had fun with men sexually and it was enjoyable. I'm not seeking out any physical fun with guys since I am happy with my relationship and I do see a future with her. One thing I have been grappling with is my attraction to guys. I know it's fine having an attraction to men. The problem lies in my own self-esteem. Whether I look at a young guy in a picture, video, or in person, if I find that guy attractive, I'm always comparing myself to him. If he has a nice body or facial features, I'm envious of him and wish I possessed those qualities. Sometimes, I wish I had that look when I was younger and then I could've explored more when I was younger even though I have in my 30s and I know that being with a girl is much more satisfying for me than being with a guy. I've been comparing myself as long as I can remember. My gf accepts me for how I look and for me and that has been helpful. I try to tell myself positive affirmations about myself but looking for other ways to boost my self-esteem. I'm feeling like if I keep having these self-destructive thoughts, it will hurt my relationship like I'm not worthy of being in this positive relationship. Any other ideas would be very helpful. Thanks for reading and helping,
This kind of behaviour is more common than you think, expecially for same sex attraction. I think it's ok to be a little confused at first when it comes to the idea of wanting to be with this beautyful person, or wanting to be more like him yourself, but it can become really damaging when it affects your relationships with other people you care about. No matter how good looking you are, you will always find someone who is prettyer than you, and I understand how it can be frustrating since a major role here is played by genetics or other things we can't control, but if you think that is all there is you are wrong. Phisical appearence is just a little part of a person, you should focus more on what you have than what other's have and you don't, and i know it is difficult since we live in a society that is pretty much based on this kind of "endless competition", but it is very unhealty for everyone. You said that you have a girlfriend who loves you and you see a future with her, so why bother comparing yourself to other people you didn't even known existed since 10 minutes ago? You have what most of the people wants most and should understand how lucky you are. Being phisically attractive is certanly an advantage, but it all leads in the end in finding a good relationship with a person that loves you and you love, and it's a thing that you already have, so it's useless to compare yourself to oher people expecially if it can ruin one of the most beautiful things that you have.
Well, I can certainly relate to that. I've done the comparison most of my life. I am trying to get out of that now. It has been helpful to figure out what I do want to do, dismiss the things that I thought I wanted but don't really want, and desigh my life around the good
Ever since I accepted that I'm bi, I'm less likely to get jealous and more likely to just recognize someone as sexy and leave it at that. One thing that helps self-esteem and a positive self image is to do exercise, eat healthy, take care of yourself and try to slowly work towards a body you're happy with. Also, taking care of how you dress helps a lot. Wear things that make you feel sexy and confident. I'm on that path myself and it really helps.
There's no easy fix, really, but one thing I find helps is whenever you're feeling down on yourself, make it a point to list all your positive qualities. These can be both physical and otherwise. If you can find things to like about yourself, then perhaps you can also find ways to come to terms with (and even embrace) some of your perceived flaws. Look at them as marks of character, things that make you, you. If it's any consolation, I think we all fall into this cycle now and again. It's hard not to compare ourselves, and as we get older, our bodies change in a myriad of ways we aren't always prepared for--and therefore, wind up feeling inadequate because of. Making some gradual changes (exercise, healthier food, fresh air, etc.) might really help in your situation as well, if you haven't been doing such things already.
