Questioning lesbian but I have a boyfriend

I do understand the ramifications that you talk about and that you will really need to think things through. But also keep in mind that your situation can't be good for others if it isn't good for yourself. I'm sure there will be other replies that can shed more light on this than I can. I do wish you the best in whatever direction you decide on.

 

Hey.

First off: you haven’t strung him along nor wasted your time. You were doing what you doing because it felt right at the time and I’m sure you both benefited from your time in the relationship. Not every relationship lasts forever and if you’d been with a woman and he’d been with a different woman, either of those relationships could have had the same duration and ended for any number of reasons. It is what it is. No fault of yours. Circumstances change over time. Please don’t be hard on yourself.

Secondly: as unfortunate as his depression is, you are neither the cause of it nor responsible for him/it. You leaving him will, of course, be sad but his mental state is his responsibility and if it’s that bad he could spiral, he needs professional help. And even if you were one of those types of professionals, it would be wrong for you to treat him anyway.

So…take a breath. You don’t have to figure this all out this minute. Maybe jot down some goals you’d like to work towards. Small ones that’ll move you towards the big one whatever that is. We’re here to help you hash it out if you need it. :]
And also welcome to EC!

 

That’s fine. You don’t need to have a plan yet. Maybe a quick list of some of the big items would help with your focus.

Living arrangements. If you live together, how much work would it to be to find somewhere else? Would he be going or you?

Financials. Are you set to support yourself? If not, what needs changing so you can?

Support network? Do you have friends family who can boost you up and be there for you now and whenever you might come out? Besides us. ;]

I think having a bit of the groundwork taken care of will give you confidence to do the “harder” stuff.

 

It’s good you have friends to talk to. I’m sure they’ll be helpful to bounce your thoughts off of and being queer, they’ll definitely understand the issues.

I think making a plan always feels good. It proves to you that you’ve got a handle on things in an overall picture kind of way and breaking it down into component parts makes it all more manageable. I mean, who doesn’t love a list, eh? ;}

Has he noticed that you’re not exactly yourself recently? Maybe use that to tell him moving in together is not a good idea at this time but don’t let him infer it might be later on. Stand firm about it not being something you want so he should make arrangements for himself.

 

If you weren't in a relationship, would you be able to figure yourself out? Let's just say you were in a new city where you knew no one and you saw an attractive woman smiling at you... what would you do?

 

Many of us have this feeling - based on what I am reading it sounds like you actually know what your sexuality is but you're in the 'bargaining' stage of the five stages of grief.
https://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/parentfamily-stages-of-grief.php

 

This sounds like what I JUST went through. I was engaged to a man and with him for 8.5 years and just almost 2 weeks ago we finally broke up. It's been a huge relief but also very sad since we love each other. You'll figure out what you need to do in time, it's good to work out your feelings first but I also let him know periodically that I was questioning my sexual orientation over the past year so it wasn't a total shock. You'll be okay!

 

Yeah it is definitely hard to start that conversation... I think in my case I repressed it so long that it eventually HAD to come out and I was very emotional about it, probably not the best tactic half the time it was my ex practically begging me to just tell him what was wrong and how I was feeling. If you find a time that feels right or see to talk to him about it, take advantage of that time... It'll feel so much better after talking about it, even if it's also sad.

 

Sorry I didn't mean to try to push anything on you- only you can decide but look what you wrote:

And from there, all the objections are about what other people would think, or that you're worried about hurting people:

That's natural and understandable. But you don't write 'I am also really attracted to men' or "i fantasize about men easily too' .
if you were reading this about someone else, what would your opinion be?

 

Shelbee, I unfortunately don't have any advice for you because I am in the exact same boat. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone at all, and if you ever need a chat or someone to relate to, I am here I've been with my boyfriend 7 years too, we are due to buy a house soon and I have identified as bisexual since high school, but the masterdoc and other things have made me question my sexuality and made me realise that I am a lesbian, but like you, my boyfriend suffers from depression and he has extremely low self-esteem to the point where I feel like I can't ever leave the relationship because I don't want him doing anything harmful to himself.

We will get through this one way or another, it is so refreshing to hear that someone is in a similar situation to myself, and I wish you all the happiness for the future x