Fell in love with a transgender woman during college trip…

I never thought I’d fall for a transgender woman. I see her much more romantically than sexual as far as I’m feeling. I guess I didn’t see this coming because I know non-binary/transgender women/men go through a lot of obstacles through being accepted, still.

Anyway, I went on a college school trip 3 days ago and just arrived home tonight. Well, I knew she was trans since we all introduced ourselves in a pre-meeting a week ago. I introduced myself to her while we had a 8 hour 30 min trip, and we talked every now and then through the ride. I thought she was pretty cool, and articulate with her words. I thought to myself, “She could be a really cool friend, like a travel buddy throughout the trip!” I’m not even sure how it started… how did I get so close to her? I think I started to look at her a little different during dinner time on the first day, when she let me borrow her rainbow raincoat when it got really cold and mine stayed at the pavilions. And I don’t know.. I wanted to be kind to her. I felt a need to be kind to her whenever we were driven somewhere (there’s 11 of us total on the trip) and when I’d see her falling asleep, I’d offer my shoulder to her (although she was too tall, so she was unable to.) I’m just a generous person by nature, helping everyone during the trip. But I don’t know…something about her I guess? Anyway, eventually we just started playing this little “hello” “hi” kind of game every-time we’ve fallen silent on each other and talking to others, but we’d come back to each other eventually, and we’d just jokingly greet each other with smiles. We would do this throughout the entire 3 days, and sometimes we catch ourselves staring at each other from a distance and waving hi again. I’d eventually go up to sit next to her, or she would, greeting each other again.

Eventually, I was pretending to fall asleep on trips in the van (I don’t know why I wanted to pretend) and then I purposely put my head on her shoulder, then I said “sorry!” But then she said “no go ahead, feel free to.” And I started doing it more often without asking her, she’d let me without saying anything. Yesterday was a super cold night, and we’re sleeping in pavilions that aren’t indoors. I asked her if she wanted to be my cuddle buddy, she said “of course, how else are we suppose to stay warm?” and well there was a total of 4 of us in each pavilion. We kind of all just set our sleeping mats all next to each other, and we all decided to be close to each other, she was in the corner, and I slept next to her more closer than the other two girls. We kind of just started touching our bodies together through our individual sleeping beds, to give each other warmth. But, then came a moment where we turned to look at each other and our faces are just 5-6 inches away. We just started making small funny talk and laughing quietly while everyone was pretty much sleeping.

Eventually we tried to sleep again huddled up on each other, everytime I tried to move closer in contact she would do the same, rubbing her calves closer to mine through the sleeping bags. I don’t know why I did this, but I placed my cheek (head) on top of her chest, and I heard her do a small “mmm..” sound, I eventually did it too. We’d do these little sounds everytime we’d cuddle up closer again. While my cheek was on her chest, I heard her heart beating fast, then calmer, only to go fast again. I eventually did fall asleep on her chest for a couple of hours, she never said she wasn’t okay with it despite telling me she didn’t sleep that well, the following morning. Never complained about it. I stuttered when I said I actually fell asleep on her chest, but she didn’t say anything lol. I didn’t look at her face either, because I was nervous saying it despite doing it.

One of our roommates told us that we kept doing the “mmm” sound like moaning in our sleep, we were both pretty embarrassed but we actually weren’t sleeping. Eventually, during van rides, she started laying her head on top of mines. And when I lay on her shoulder which is often, I’d eventually get off her shoulder and I could tell from my peripheral vision that she was looking straight at me every time I got off. She would also slouch down so that my head rests deeper closer to her neck, and then she’d lay her head on top of mine again, smiling occasionally. There was a point where I asked her, “Hey, what kind of feature are you first attracted to in a person?” She paused for a second, then looked at me weird, and then said, “well… I really like the personality regardless of who it is, to be honest…why?” (I honestly never really asked her sexuality but she doesn’t really talk about men.) then I told her, “oh nothing, just asking. I remember I fell for someone because of their personality. It was crazy! Too bad I was shy.” Then she said, “oh really?” But in that very intrigued tone of voice?

She’d observe me a lot, like when I’d charge my phone in the car or grab a snack. Tonight, all 11 of us sang songs in the van for 2 hours. Every time I sang, she would start to. Then I’d lay back on her shoulder and put my coat over myself because I was cold, and she also wanted me to put my large coat over her too. Strangely, half of the time she didn’t coat herself during very cold weather outside. She laid her head on top of my head again, and then kind of just cuddled my head with her cheek slowly at one point? Sometimes we’d turn our heads over at each other in that position, and our lips would be really close while we say something to each other. but I don’t know, maybe she doesn’t notice that. I wonder if she wanted me to hold her left hand or something under the coat..? It was a free hand, but maybe she’s just right handed with her phone. She’d pat my head sometimes, and I massaged her head at one point, haha. I also placed one of my knees on top of her legs, slouched over her as we still have the coat over us, seems like she still liked it..? She never says anything…She also noted down my birthday on her iPhone as soon as I said it because it’s in 2 days, I’m positive she did but I don’t really know, haha. We’d look after each other during our mountainous hikes, making sure we’re okay. I had no idea if anyone suspected anything, maybe because we probably don’t look compatible at all. She’d share her snacks with me sometimes, and I started doing the same back. At one point we had a campfire because it was super cold, and I eventually sat on the floor to get closer to the campfire and just hugged her leg for warmth, not that it’s relevant since she couldn’t do much sitting on a chair.

Eventually we all had to say goodbye to each other once we got back to the university at midnight, and we immediately just walked outdoors and left everyone else after saying bye to them, I think she wanted to make sure my ride would pick me up, but I told her to go home since we’ve had very strenuous long days and she should freshen herself up. We gave each other a 3-4 second firm hug, and I told her “I’m gonna miss you lots!” Then she said “Don’t worry, we’ll see each other soon. ”

I tried calling her “hey travel buddy!” Sometimes because I was afraid I was coming off too strong.. but I still kind of did it anyway, I think. She’d help me carry my stuff sometimes if I’m carrying a bit, that’s normal though. I also showed her Harley Quinn cosplay during Halloween last year, and then I showed her one were I’m next to the joker and we look coupley, and she asked “so is that your cousin? Or…” well I told her it’s my ex which it is, but just the fact of how she asked..

Is she kind of interested or something or is this what friends freaking do? Is that even possible to already be that interested? Some of these things aren’t in order but they don’t really have to be? Sorry for the long story, I might keep adding on lol.

 

Oh man, this gives me hopes. I feel a little naive for still not being ready for a relationship, but I at least want to date her for a bit or something maybe see where it goes? I’m really interested, her personality catches me off guard sometimes with her bluntness but it’s so intriguing at the same time.

Tomorrows my birthday as I said above (which I actually wrote yesterday haha, but was still adding onto it!), and I wonder if she’ll say happy birthday..? She seems to agree to want to hang out with me sometime so how do I initiate this? Should I make the move? So many questions, I’m such a rookie at relationships or whatever this is haha..

and no, it’s actually kind of a compliment that you think it’s cute! The more I think of her through the day, the more I start to feel butterflies?

 

Thank you! How long should I wait to contact her? I want to know that she’s able to be comfortable with me and I’m not pushing her to open up to me yet. And I’ll take it slow platonically, but still generous as usual.

 

Thank you!! One more thing, should I text her after my birthday and maybe send her a picture of the spa I was talking about to start a conversation? (Just incase she doesn’t say happy birthday to me today?)

 

Thank you!!!!

 

So I did message her yesterday afternoon and we were having several texts till the evening but she hasn’t replied since! It’s been maybe 18 hours? Should I care? She did say yes to hanging out next month though!

 

Yeah, that’s true! I really hope I get to hang out with her next month! I know there’s a lot of friends who tend to not take up the plans, I also am one of those people haha but…

I start wondering the “What ifs” like what if I made her uncomfortable during the trip? But she really reciprocated it all if I look back at it! Or maybe she doesn’t think I’m interested enough to even get her to answer back and probably just “another friend”.. etc etc etc *sigh* haha. Thank you though! I’ll probably keep updating the thread!