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Do I leave my 7 year marriage? I’m bored

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bmayne, Mar 18, 2022.

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  1. bmayne

    bmayne
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    I got married in 2015 when I was 23. We had known each-other for just 5ish months. We got married because I was in the military and it would really benefit ourselves. The first year was great. When he went into the military he had two long deployments and each time he left I felt further from him.


    the truth is I never felt like I could be fully open with him, I never felt like I could be myself with him.


    fast forward to today. There is 0 intimacy, sometimes (every few months)sex in the middle of the night but there is no intimacy involved if that makes any sense. He gets on my nerves and he does things that push me away. I probably do things that push him away too. But we don’t talk, so we were never able to work on that.


    I feel uncomfortable when he touches me, the same way you’d feel if a stranger grabbed your thigh. It feels unwelcome. We’ve had our talks about how we feel like “roommates” or “business partners”. I always shrugged it off but it’s true. I wasn’t ready to end things. I am too comfortable and supported financially. Now I’m at the point I just want to be happy. And this isn’t it. Day to day we are fine. We smile and we hang out, we do things together, but it’s very superficial.


    I’ve seen my two closest friends go through divorce with basically abusive spouses. But we are not like that. He’s not bad to me and I’m not bad to him. I love him but I’m not in love with him. It’s been like this for years. Years I say. I’ve already emotionally withdrawn and let go. I don’t want to fix it. Is that bad?


    I know if we talk he might bright that up. I feel bad saying I don’t want to fix it.


    How do I talk to him? I don’t know where to start and how honest to be.
    Any advice? Plz halp.
     
    #1 bmayne, Mar 18, 2022
  2. bmayne

    bmayne
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    I feel like I know the answer to the question. I just don’t know how to do it. How do I disrupt the peace and tell the truth?
     
    #2 bmayne, Mar 19, 2022
  3. quebec

    quebec
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    bmayne.....The only thing that I know is what has worked in my marriage...communication. You just have to talk it out. No matter how tough it is, it's really the only way that can avoid extremely hard feelings. Since you are gay, you and your husband probably had to come out at some time in the past. If you are like most of us in the LGBTQIA+ Family, that experience was exceedingly difficult...perhaps one of the most difficult things that you've ever done. Will talking to your husband be any harder than that? Whether that communication leads to a better relationship or an end of the relationship is something that I don't think anyone can know for sure. However, I am convinced that communication is the only real way to come to a mature resolution that avoids major emotional damage to either or both parties. Please keep us updated on how this goes for you...we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #3 quebec, Mar 19, 2022
  4. bsg75apollo

    bsg75apollo
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    If there is anything that I have learned recently during the whole process of learning about myself is that to make any progress you have to be honestly, especially with yourself, and talk. It is certainly not easy. Basically, I think that is what you and your husband need to do to find an outcome that won't leave you feeling bitter, resentful, and angry. Better to do it at 23 when you are able to redirect your life before there ate any more entanglements. I don't think that there is anyway to start the conversation. Certainly do it at an advantageous time but don't do something ahead of time to soften the blow. It pissed me off when it was done to me.
     
    #4 bsg75apollo, Mar 19, 2022
  5. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Hey I know right now you feel like you dont want to fix it and it might be that you always feel that way but communication as the others have said is really key. I would say you both need to have an honest chat and perhaps with an impartial person so that you can go through everything and then ultimately if you still feel the same then you probably should look at spliting up. Perhaps there are things you could both do if you communicated that would actually make you both happy and want to stay.
     
    #5 silverhalo, Mar 21, 2022
  6. bmayne

    bmayne
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    Thank you for all of the support.

    we ended up talking two days ago and it was very hard. I told him that I was not happy and he was shocked but not surprised. He was very angry and mad at me the entire day, it was very difficult. The next day was a little better but it was really hard to keep myself together. Today is now the third day and I’m looking for a place to move to. And being really positive and I am actually starting to get excited about being on my own. I might move in with a friend although I think I really need to live alone for a little bit, I’ll save a lot of money by living with someone else.
    I just feel so relieved. I should’ve done it way earlier. “The truth hurts but the truth will set you free” that’s one quote I just had in my head all week. I also saw another that said “the truth will set you free but first it will make you miserable” I feel like I’m already on the uphill journey.
     
    #6 bmayne, Mar 24, 2022
  7. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Congratulations it’s great that you managed to be honest and even though it was hard and tricky for a period afterwards it is great to hear you are already feeling positive. Keep talking it a step at a time.
     
    #7 silverhalo, Mar 25, 2022
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