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Losing the plot

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by razorsharp, Jan 2, 2022.

  1. razorsharp

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    It is too late for this. I am already married. You’re right I do have the choice to not act on the SSA via chat rooms etc but this is easier said than done. Unfortunately I will always hate myself for this.
     
  2. Unsure77

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    No offense, but You’re making a choice to hate yourself. You’re making a choice to not take any sort of action to make peace with this or learn to accept yourself or learn to cope with this in a way that has a hope of being effective. It’s your life to do with as you wish. It’s your mental health. But, we’ve tried to give you avenues to find help (like a decent therapist). Help is out there.
     
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  3. Nickw

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    Hey @razorsharp

    As I’ve mentioned before, I can emphasize to some extent your situation. I grew up with the burden that my same sex desires were what we called in devout Catholic terms a “mortal sin”. I was taught that even thinking of sex with a man required confessing it and being absolved by a priest. Of course, as an alter boy and youth catechism teacher I couldn’t risk being discovered. So, I just hoped I wouldn’t die and burn in hell until I figured out how to get absolution.

    All I can offer you is to say that someday you might be able to shed this burden as I was able to do. Because, it is a lonely and desperate place to be.

    I will say this. Even though I no longer believe what I was taught regarding the sin of homosexuality I won’t diminish how you feel right now having a conflict between who you are and what you believe.

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you are dealing with this the best way you can given your cultural and religious constraints. I hope you learn to understand that same sex attractions do not make you a bad person.

    Best
     
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  4. razorsharp

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    Thanks @Nickw and @Unsure77. I’m going to try to briefly explain why I feel so bad about having SSA. It’s not so much the SSAs themselves that make me feel bad. I accepted a long time ago that I experience them and that it will be difficult if not impossible to make them disappear. What makes me feel bad is what they potentially lead to and their effect on my life. For example, recently I had a ‘sober’ period for 2-3 weeks of not logging into chat rooms and I was somewhat proud of myself. Towards the end of this period the desires got really intense and unfortunately I ended up logging on. I’ve never physically acted out with a man but even these virtual activities make me feel extremely guilty, and rightly so. After all, I am a married Muslim man. I know it is my fault and I am weak. Even before I was married I used to feel very guilty about what the SSAs led me to do. I remember before getting married, relatives and friends used to tease me about not being involved with women etc. They didn’t realise that I didn’t have a strong desire for women. Again, I used to have the ‘what’s wrong with me’? thoughts about why I wasn’t normal. All these things have, rightly or wrongly led to my self loathing and low self esteem. I hope you understand that it’s not so much the SSAs themselves, but their consequences that have caused this sadness.
     
    #64 razorsharp, Mar 18, 2022
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2022
  5. Nickw

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    @razorsharp

    I can relate some to what you are saying. I accepted my sexuality maybe twenty years ago. I "managed" it being bisexual. But, the desires can be overwhelming regardless sometimes and I know that indulging them via fantasies or chatting with guys on line does take away some of the energy from my relationship with my wife.

    I'm one of those people who believes that no one is the perfect partner for their husband or wife. I believe that one can be a better partner by concentrating on other aspects of the marriage. Even though my sexuality is some burden for my wife, I work on being the best husband I can be to make up for that. So, my wife wouldn't trade me for anything because we are partners in life. It's just that I have this part of me that does affect parts of our relationship negatively.

    You've indicated that you simply cannot live as a gay man even though you are, likely, gay because of cultural and religious restrictions. I'll take your word for that. So. What do you do? Maybe work on developing some intimacy with your wife that is not sexual. Maybe intimate touching etc. Maybe really be there for her in every way that you can be. Maybe limit the chat room conversations but not eliminate them because they do provide an outlet for expressing your sexuality. All these comments are directed toward not denying your sexuality but managing it. I know being bisexual this is easier for me. But, it sounds like you really don't have a choice.

    The self loathing is doing nothing to help and just sucks more energy out of you that you could direct towards your marriage.
     
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  6. razorsharp

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    Good points @Nickw. Ideally I would like to stop the chat rooms altogether. I keep trying and I end up stopping for 2 weeks then relapse. You’re right, as much as we try to be, most of us are not perfect partners to our spouses. I hope that one day I will be able to manage my desires more definitively so that I can be a better husband.