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The first of a couple of updates - sham & fear

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Mar 14, 2022.

  1. brainwashed

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    On a walk a couple weeks ago I reflected on my mid teen years, age 14 - 16. (Yes I know I keep looking back. I've got to find a plausible answer(s)/explanation to what happened to me back then.) My mother shamed me for what I had done at age 14 with another 14 year old male. (in today's standards, the incident is actually comical.) She tore into me over and over and over. I now categorize this as shame, shame being one of the five basic psychological states we humans have - shame, fear, sadness, joy, anger. (source: Book, Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives)

    Then she sent me to conversion therapy, which I now label as proxy conversion therapy at the age of 15. The conversion therapy was actually conversion abuse which I now know generated lots of fear.

    For some time I've called these two events, the one two knock out punch. Recalling the horror of these two events is the source of my first flash back. On the walk I've equated the events as shame and fear events (programming/scripting) respectively and blended shame and fear together, which I've never done before. Shame and fear enhancing each others power and control.

    Now I see why the events were so POWERFUL for these two states (shame and fear) cut to the core of my psychological being.
     
  2. ScottG

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    I'm so sorry for your early experience! I can feel the trauma.

    I was 13 and had a gay sexual experience with a 12 year old friend. No one else ever knew- I can imagine now if they did find out!
     
  3. brainwashed

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    Yup. God the trauma comes out in my words.

    It's taken me a long time to figure out my mom's reaction to my innocent early teen thing with another male teen. (FYI, he sure was cute!) She had behavior which I cannot explain at this time but she emotionally hurt every member in her immediate family - husband, children. One time @Chip suggested that trauma can be handed down from generation to generation, quite often unknowingly. If true my mom is reenacting trauma she experienced as a child, passed on to her by her dad. I remember my mom saying her dad ran away from home at the age of ~14, 15. Why? (this was back in the late 1800s) To escape an abusive father.
     
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  4. zgaynz

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    I dare say childhood experiences and expectations from parents are the reason why some of us don't see the light until later in life. It never crosses their minds that letting us be gay might actually be the best thing for us.
     
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  5. brainwashed

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    Agree
    Also agree. I believe that in my parents case, they didn't know I was gay because they were so emotionally absent from my life. Additionally they probably did not know anyone who was gay when they grew up so they had no "measuring stick" to asses who I was. All things gay was pushed under the carpet in the 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. Additionally I think they never asked the "is he gay" question to themselves because of shame and fear - ah yes that old shame and fear thing coming into play again. They also wanted the "perfect" American family and having a gay son was out of the question. And lastly my dad was semi in the public eye. He simply could not have a son that was "defective".