I came out tonight...so why do I feel dread?

In my early days of coming out I felt exactly the same way, Cornersky: vulnerable and shaky. I had a sense of 'oh God what have I done?' When you've spent such a long way with this going on inside your head, to finally let it out into the big wide world is a profound moment.

In my experience, it does get easier. These days I'm more comfortable with my trans identity and less full of doubt.

Beth

 

I regretted telling my wife for about a week. But now I know that we're both bi and I feel so much better about myself.

 

I can definitely understand where you're coming from, as I went through the same thing when I came out to my mom, and plenty of people in the LGBTQIA+ community feel this way when they come out to a very important person for the first time.

Here's my theory on why people feel like this. Being LGBTQ+ is a different experience for everyone. It is both a blessing and a curse to anyone born this way, but for some, it feels more like one of these than the other. People who are lucky enough to be happy as LGBTQ+ tend to be more open about their identity, and therefore, people often notice the popular and happy members of the community more than those who are depressed, closeted, or whose identity doesn't make much of a difference. Because of this, coming out is often glamorized, when in reality, it isn't instantly as great as most people expect it to be. And because of these unfulfilled expectations, many people are left feeling disappointed after their first coming out experience.

That being said, coming out is a big change, and for many people, an extremely positive one. In today's world, coming out will indeed change your life quite a bit, but at the same time, many relationships may barely change at all. Coming out doesn't change everything - but it doesn't change nothing, so many people are left feeling like it changes nothing and everything at the same time when they come out.

Coming out is like moving to a better home - in the first few days, weeks, or months, you may long for your old home even though you know the new one is better, but eventually, you will grow to appreciate the new one. If you feel regret after a positive coming out experience, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't have come out - it just means that your mind needs time to adjust to the change. Adjusting to this change will be just as difficult as any other change, but once you manage to adjust, your life will improve quite a bit.

Anyway, congratulations on coming out to your daughter! That's a big step, and it sounds like you rocked it Good luck with the rest of your journey!

 

Hey I think feeling like this is more common than you think. The thing is especially when you tell someone for the first time it can feel like you have crossed the line of no return. It’s not that I’m saying you want to return. For me it felt good but also like now it was out there and I couldn’t really take it back very easily. That can be a scary thought. I’m sure your feelings will settle down over the next few days.

 

Congratulations!!! So incredibly exciting. And yes yes yes to the overwhelming emotion of it. I just came out to my of my oldest female friends this past week and it felt like my entire body was going to slide off, first out of fear and then with a shaking relief. So happy for you.

 

Conersky, I'm very proud of you for your bravery and self care. Please know you're not alone!

 

I think there is something in this. I'll never forget that before the first time I came out in June 2020 I phoned a trans helpline to talk to them about all this. The volunteer said (I'm quoting almost verbatim) that 'I'm actually quite envious of you. You've got so much to look forward to'. I answered nervously 'really? I'm dreading it.'

And actually the first time I came out it wasn't amazing. I left feeling vulnerable and unsure whether I had done the right thing. But since then I have had plenty of experiences to justify that volunteer's blithe confidence. For the most part it has been an affirming, profoundly moving experience. But I think that's less down to the process of coming out in itself and more to do with the fact I'm blessed with a great number of open-hearted, kind and loving friends.

So yes, that's a very long-winded way of saying that coming out is only ever as good as the people you're coming out to.

Beth

 

When we come out we talk a bit of a walk into the unknown. We cannot be certain how anyone will react to what we tell them and we cannot be certain about how it will affect our relationship with them. Will they be supportive or not? Will we become closer or more distant? The answers to some of these questions only become apparent in the weeks and months that follow, but you gain a fairly good idea from the immediate reaction of the person you've told. Even so, it doesn't ease all concerns and we often wonder if our confidence in the person we have told may be misplaced.

Keep in mind that coming out is a process. It begins with telling people the truth (your truth), but that's not the end. It's the most significant hurdle we will face, but I think the process continues as we decide how we will live our truth. In other words....
"What do I do now I've told the truth?" "I've allowed myself to be vulnerable, so what happens next?" These questions are no less scary, but they can be faced more easily once you are not tip-toeing around and wondering if you will be discovered by people you know and love.

Telling your daughter was a big hurdle crossed, but do give yourself time and space to come down from it. Allow things to settle and then review how you feel. You let go of something that has been held within for a long time, so you do need that settling time.

 

Conersky, what you did was wonderful. Wonderful in that you were true to yourself. I am so happy for you and yes, its overwhelming. The first time I ever came out, I thought my head would explode. seconds after. Its something you can never take back. After a few days I felt so much better. Relief. A calmness. Do not regret it one bit other than I wish I had quit lying to myself for years on what my true sexuality was. On March 26, 2022 I will celebrate 10 years. On that day I came out of the closet for the first time. So glad I did. I wish you well and you may continue to evolve. Its natural and wonderful.

 

I agree with your analogy that coming out and living out of the closet can feel like suddenly becoming an astronaut and telling others about it. However, you don't need years of experience being out of the closet to identify as LGBTQ+. All it takes to be part of the LGBTQ+ community is simply to be LGBTQ+. It may feel surreal when you come out for the first time, but as I mentioned in my last post, that doesn't mean your identity is any less valid - it just means that you need time to adjust to the change.

One important thing to also keep in mind is that all LGBTQ+ people are different, but no matter how different you may be from other members of the community - whether that be in terms of experience, personality, and even social preferences, that does not make your identity any less valid. For example, a lot of LGBTQ+ people at my school are louder and more energetic than a bunch of 5-year-olds, but a handful (myself included) are very quiet and mellow. But both types of people have equally valid LGBTQ+ identities, no matter how much we vary in other things. So no matter how much your experience, personality, age, or anything else may vary from other LGBTQ+ people, know that this does not make you any less valid.

 

Very glad you found a support group! I encourage you to go.

 

When I first came out, it was to a couple gay and gay-friendly people at work. One was completely surprised and had never guessed; another had had suspicions for years but figured it was my business to tell or not to tell. I told then-wife a few months later to start the doomsday clock ticking on our marriage, but then a few months later found myself unexpectedly in a relationship, which made me feel compelled to come out to my immediate family. Which, being good Catholics, consisted of several dozen people...and then, because the obnoxious guy 2 doors down managed to be at the next table in a restaurant 30 MILES AWAY ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE METRO AREA(!), my new relationship was also the talk of the neighborhood for a while. So much for control.

It was certainly not how I had planned for things to go, and while it got a lot of the explanations and coming-outs done with in record time, I'd say that at our ages, if you're a quiet and introverted person, who hasn't in the past felt the need to join things, it may keep your anxiety a bit more under control to give yourself the opportunity to find your own pace for how to come out, and who to come out to, and be a part of what you choose, rather than what you feel you "should". Our personalities are largely settled by 60, and while people have noticed "changes" in my personality since I came out, in reality they were there since I was a kid and have just started to flourish, like a flower bed that suddenly gets sunlight when a big looming nearby tree is trimmed and light can hit it again. I'm sure that will happen to you as well.

I see the word "authentic" a lot here on EC, and I think it has a different nuance to everyone who uses it, Being gay, and either in the closet or not, is part of your "authentic self", but so are many other things. Your relationship with your daughter sounds like an incredibly loving and authentic part of who you are, and it has been enhanced by you sharing with her that you are gay - but that love, and your ability to be a good parent were already there. You undoubtedly have many other wonderful and not so wonderful qualities that are equally a part of your "authentic self". What happens when you hide part of who you are isn't necessarily that you are inauthentic; it means that you are using energy covering something up that could be used for better things. Think of the expression "the elephant in the room". People know it's there and keep tiptoeing around it and pretending it doesn't exist. If you admit it's there, you and the people in the room with you will instantly feel more comfortable because they no longer have to pretend it's NOT there (and can step around the pile of dung rather than walking through it).

Being authentic, to me, means admitting to whomever you choose that the elephant is there, and dealing with it as YOU see fit, rather than ignoring it. You can arrange your furniture around it, or sell tickets to see it, or build a pen for it in the yard - whatever, but the choice is yours and not what your friends or parents or church or neighborhood tells you. You aren't going to be comfortable every step of the way, but concentrate on forward motion, not velocity. It sounds like you are doing a great job so far.

 

Feeling attraction to the same sex makes you part of the LGBT community regardless of whether you have or haven't had a real life experience. I

 

It took so much courage to do that. Maybe it was carrying the weight of it for so long. I think we have fear wrong timing or just saying it out loud makes us feel vulnerable. You have a great daughter you have someone to talk to in your immediate circle.

 

Very true Sunflower!

 

I meant to say silverhalo