Boyfriend started T today, I can’t transition and am jealous and hurting

Hi all,

My name is Johnny, I’m a 17 year old trans man. I have always known I was trans, but didn’t have to words to describe it until about 4 years ago, thanks to a very religious and conservative upbringing.

Currently, I live in a… not so great household. I’m not exactly out, because even though I have told my parents, I was shoved back into the closet because they refuse to acknowledge it. When I did come out, I was met with threats to be kicked out, and many unkind words, as well as getting things thrown at me, so I have decided to wait and move out next year, the moment I turn 18, for my safety. To say it has been utter hell would be an understatement.

Today is my boyfriend’s (who is also FTM, and came out about 2-3 years ago) 18th birthday, and he told me that he was able to start testosterone today. I did my best to be supportive, but it spiraled into a very nasty breakdown. I’m still struggling to cope. I’m so incredibly jealous. By the time I move in with him, in 10 months, he will have changed completely, while I will still look the same as now. I can’t handle the idea that he now gets all the changes that I have been heartbroken over not being able to have. His parents are supportive of him, which I can’t help but be so incredibly jealous of.

I knew this was coming. I didn’t expect him to wait for me. I wouldn’t have waited for him. But still, I can’t come to terms with these emotions. When I think about all the changes he gets that I have cried myself to sleep over not being able to achieve, it makes me feel nauseous. He even passes better than I do naturally, which makes me even more insecure. At the same time, I’m very happy for him and I want to be supportive. But I think if he mentions something like his growing facial hair or sharpening jaw line, I’m going to snap. I had unrealistically convinced myself that somehow I would be able to be with him and we could both experience our transitions together, even though I knew deep down that wasn’t going to happen. But I know that he deserves to transition as soon as possible just as much as I do.

I know it’s not very long to wait. But in transitioning time, 10 months is a massive difference. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to cope with hearing his deepened voice while mine is still high pitched. If I finally get to start T when I plan to, by the time I hit 10 months, he’ll be almost 2 years on T! It hurts so much. He is very understanding of my feelings and doesn’t take it personally. We both understand that it’s not our faults, it’s just a horrible situation. And no, I don’t have anyone else I can’t talk to, I’m not allowed to seek a therapist or a doctor for gender stuff.

Any advice on learning to cope with this news and coping with my boyfriend’s transition, as well as the fact I can’t transition for a good while? Is it normal to feel so sickeningly jealous? How do I deal with this?!

Thanks,
Johnny

 

Thank you. Thankfully he does understand my feelings. He’s made it very clear he wants to help me and has tried to come up with ways to help me transition, though everything so far has come to a dead end. I’ve also tried everything I can to pass, done all my research, but it hasn’t helped much. I don’t even understand how the hell people continue to identify me as the wrong gender lmao. It sure is frustrating

 

I feel like I’ve tried everything in the book. I was born with CAH so I’m naturally pretty masculine (I already have lots of body hair and a bit of facial hair, but it did stunt my growth unfortunately, but even so I’ve stood next to cis men my height) I only wear jeans and a t shirt/hoodie plus big shoes that make me look taller. I widen my stance when I walk and try to make myself look bigger and I’m working on my posture and confidence because I heard that helps. I do voice and jaw exercises and I just started working out. I pack and I’m already flat chested so I don’t need to bind. My hair is a bit long (think Kurt Cobain length) because I’m not allowed to cut it short (“we won’t have you looking like a boy in this house”) but I don’t think that’s the issue. I style it like I’ve seen other dudes do and I’ve never really seen a girl with this style. My own mother used to make fun of me for being overly masculine would called me boy names, and even my friends would call me masculine or say I look like a dude. So I have no idea where these strangers are getting the wrong vibes from, especially now that I WANT to be called a boy. Funny how that works…

Thank you so much for trying to help me. It means a lot. I of course have my boyfriend to talk to, though we try to keep our personal issues out of our relationship because neither of us can take on the other person’s issues at this point. I have another online friend I can vent to and yesterday I made a secret social media account to vent on just to sorta scream into the void when I need to. That’s about all I can do, though. I have no irl support unfortunately because when I tried to befriend people at my school they all either dipped when they found out I was trans or the trans people didn’t want anything to do with me.

 

Thank you. No, I’m in online school (im a home schooler taking online college courses) and I’ve never turned my camera on or my mic because of dysphoria. But all my attempts to reach out to the other trans people I was just ignored, which sucks because I never see other trans people around here. It seems people either say I’m too masculine to be a girl but then turn around and call me too feminine to be a man, lmao. Cis people at their finest.

i do unfortunately have to wear women’s jeans but I usually wear black jeans or bell bottoms and hope nobody notices or just passes them off as skinny jeans. My mom would never let me wear men’s jeans. I try to wear baggy sweatpants when I can but I’m usually not allowed to go out like that. I’ll try to think of a way to get men’s pants. I try not to talk much because my voice isn’t deep enough to pass, though voice training has definitely helped. I’ve been trying to correct my mannerisms but I have terrible social anxiety so that makes it pretty hard to act masculine and confident. Working on it though. I’m gonna keep these things in mind and see if it helps, so thank you for making me aware of them.

You seem like a very nice person. I’m sorry about your situation. I hope you can get help for your dysphoria very soon. I appreciate the help, us trans teens need all the support we can get. Up until now I’ve been trying to navigate being trans all on my own, but I’m glad I joined here, it feels a bit less lonely. Anyhow, I hope things look up for you soon. It sucks not being able to do anything about your dysphoria. Sorry you’re going through that, too. Hoping for a big change for the both of us soon (and any other person in the same situation).

 

Damn. Don’t forget every situation is temporary. I hope a new opportunity presents itself to you soon. That would be amazing!!

If I could figure out a way to get there without my parents knowing then I think I would definitely go. Which, I think it wouldn’t be too hard to come up with an excuse. I definitely find myself feeling a little “stir crazy” sometimes not having any irl friends. But I don’t want friends that won’t accept me or just don’t really understand, so I never really bothered much with it. Previously I had my mind set on being stealth, but I’d be okay being openly trans with some other trans guys for now.

 

Thank you, that’s a far better way to look at it. Sometimes transitioning feels like a race and I need to remind myself that it isn’t and it takes a very long time. Just gotta be patient. He had to wait just like I have to keep waiting.

 

Thank you for the sources! I never knew where to start when I did research before, and honestly I was more focused on getting testosterone that I totally forgot about the legal name and gender change process. It’s not the best news in the world however my boyfriend and I do plan to move to Florida when we can afford it. I tried looking up stuff about doing it in Florida and it’s definitely a little easier than NC, so I’m hoping I can just do it there instead when I get there. I would assume it doesn’t matter where I was born and I can change my name/gender anywhere I live because I actually wasn’t even born in NC.

i also looked up some trans/pride support groups and surprisingly found one super close to me which would definitely be easy to get to. Hell, maybe someday I could even convince my mom to go to it if she ever comes around. I’ll keep doing research, but thanks for bringing these to my attention. It’s definitely something to consider.