How can I be absolutely sure I'm bisexual if...

You can only work with the information you have, which for you is what arouses you and who you're attracted to. That's basically how I know I'm a lesbian. I know what mentally stimulates me. And as I've interacted with women in more and more intense ways, it's been steadily confirmed. I would say operate with your truth as you best know it. And if you learn more later (through whatever course of events), then you can adjust accordingly.

I know (before I came out to my homophobic parents), I had kind of a panic of "I've never had sex with a woman. What if I'm wrong?", and when I went over why I'd thought I was gay to begin with and even things like how I respond to books, movies, and porn...my therapist pretty much told me I had more than likely put myself in the correct bucket. And, again, as I've held hands and made out with women and things like that...that theory has held. My body has responded in ways to women that it never did with men.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I attribute it mostly to my tendency to overthink things. In those quiet moments when you aren't overthinking, you probably intuit that it's true. You don't have to bite the doughnut to know its sweet. As far as your wife goes, that just shows that you are a decent guy. You don't have to make some grand gesture to be authentic. As long as your actions and words line up with who you are inside, you're being authentic.

 

When you know, you know. A lack of experience doesn't change who you are.

 

What coming out to your wife buys you is that you can be honest about how you feel. Plus, if you have children in your family, they can see that it’s normal and ok. I have female friend who’s bisexual, and she and her husband actually share thoughts on, like, beautiful women in movies or at the beach. It just lets them be honest with each other. And she can take her son to pride events and things so he’s exposed to the lgbt community.

 

The other part of it that’s a cliche, but seems to be true…. With the exception of people with OCD, how many straight people question if they’re bisexual or gay? If you’re questioning, that’s usually a pretty good sign that you’re somewhere on the spectrum.

 

This is what I was going to say.

 

I understand your fear about certainty. And maybe inside that fear and exploring it you'll find some light and some more understanding. I hope you don't regret coming out to your wife too much, that took alot of strength. And that charge you felt when you said you're bi, that sounds like a powerful feeling. I know it was for me when I said "I'm gay" out loud. I get the second guessing, I do. But let's just go with the experience, the ups and downs, we aren't on the clock and it's not a test we're about to sit down and take. It's our life. We get to make the choices and have the feelings.

 

It looks like you've already gotten some great input, but I'll jump in to say: I know how you feel. It's gotten a lot better in the past few years, but like you, I still have those moments of feeling inauthentic, or like I'm not living up to being a bisexual without having those experiences.

In sum, internalized biphobia is awful. These thoughts don't really stem from you or me, but from criticisms we've seen expressed towards bisexuals, both in and out of the LGBT. Maybe we've even had such criticisms directed at us. It can really take its toll after awhile.

Whenever you find yourself doubting again, remember this: Your attractions speak for themselves. Your body and brain know what you like; they give you this information regularly. Trust them. They know better than anyone else would.

 

To add to what everyone else is saying, have you ever had a crush on someone of the same sex, in real life? Like fantasies without the use of porn, I think it's also a good indicator.

While I have had experiences with someone of the same sex, I did have a crush on one or two guys (I'm a cisgender bisexual) prior to my experiences.

Although my fantasies were about both sexes and I also had crushes on both sexes, my experiences did help me to know beyond a doubt that I was bisexual.

 

I relate to this so much! I have said all three to myself in the mirror and bisexual feels the most right by far, it's not even close. Like you said, I even get sort of turned on, whatever that means. I also get a huge sense of excitement and euphoria, it's awesome!

When I have told myself "I'm straight" in the mirror, it just feels like a blatant lie that is obviously not true. On the other hand, when I say "I'm gay" in the mirror, it doesn't necessarily feel like a lie, but just that it doesn't paint the whole picture. It's like a puzzle, and there are countless pieces missing when I make the statement "I'm gay". Hope that makes sense, haha!

 

Looks like this discussion mostly resolved, but I just found it (I've only been here for about a week) and I can strongly relate to this.

This is all very similar to me, except the last part, I haven't even had that, really.

I came out to my wife several years ago and it's mostly been in the background for me since then. I originally just thought of myself as bi-curious because I have had a lot of the same doubts that you expressed.

Since then I've gotten more confident with this identity, but I still sometimes have doubts.

Still, I know what I'm feeling, I also know I've felt more right since fully acknowledging it, and that's enough.

I'm still working on ways I can explore and express this while being true to my marriage.