I've not shared this with anyone but I trust you not to judge me. It will hard for you to read and comprehend some of it as it is for me to do so. Please excuse my grammar etc. Looking back at age 5, I had a awareness of my anus that was more than going to to the bathroom. I needed and wanted butt play. Why, how, who I have no active memory of. At no time did I feel abused. My parents abandoned us when I was 1.5 years old. What happened before I was adopted at age 5 I don't know. We kids were alone for some time before welfare became aware of our situation. Then we were in other relatives homes and foster homes. At one point I was in a children's home in Alliance OH. At age 8 I had anal sex with another kid, but I don't remember when or how.. Even though I was too young to cum but liked it a lot. From there my sexual odyssey began. I had to keep my secret at all costs as in rural 1960s Ohio it couldn't be told to anyone. I finally realized I was gay, the stress of keeping my secret made me consider suicide through my whole life up until a few years ago. All the while pretending to be straight getting married, having kids etc were stressful beyond imagination. I lived my life as I thought others expected. All the while having anonymous sex on the DL. Skipping decades forward I'm dealing with grief and loss. I grieve as my childhood never was enjoyable and it was lost to sex and secrecy. I grieve as I've never been able to be my true gay self and at age 66 I never think there will be such a time. For some reason this has been crashing in on me now. I grieve for what might have been but realize my time has passed me by to realize those dreams and hopes. This is why I'm in a dark place as I feel totally trapped in time.
I'm sorry you had an awful childhood, mine wasn't easy either. But now is the present. Is there anything you can do now, like coming out or finding a relationship? My best wishes to you.
It’s never too late to be you. I wish you light & hope on this path. Don’t give up. You can make it work if you find the right people. What would your kids say? Would they be sympathetic?
That’s great! You have someone who can help and is willing to help. Baby steps. You can do this brother.
Coming out is a journey, but life is a journey too. In some cases the journey is easy, but in others, not so much. We can't micromanage it or manipulate it, but only work with what we have and do our best. The way we approach it all will depend on family, community, location and various other circumstances. It's easy to beat ourselves up and look back with a sense of melancholy at times past and opportunities missed, but the simple truth (and it's one we must all face) is that we are living in the here and now. We may be shaped by the past and there may be lessons from the past, but they all have to be brought into the present context. With all of that in mind, how would you feel about talking to a therapist in confidence about your past and what you are struggling with now. Tell them what you have told us in this thread and see where it takes you. If you dig down, I suspect you are still trying to protect the boy you used to be and you are grieving for him too... even though you are no longer him and haven't been for many years. It's possible some of your instincts and attitudes to life as a 66 year old man are intricately woven up in what the boy experienced and how he reacted to things. Therapy can help you turn that around, even at this stage in life, so your remaining years are infinitely better than what has gone before. What do you think? Is this a possibilty for you?
You're not alone in how you feel and I dare say that many of us who accept our sexuality later in life look back with regret and anger but as the song says, "don't look back in anger". I often look back and wonder what could, or should I say, should've been, but I cannot change this, I can only change going forward and accepting I was gay was the first step of many. Living a lie simply was a coping mechanism that many of us used just to get by in a society that dictates who we can and cannot be. I too felt my anus was a two way street, but I was nowhere near as young as you, I was in my early twenties, but once I saw it, I wanted it and so began my fascination with that area. Truth be told, when I was younger, I never felt too much attraction to women and was always curious about men. I thought I would grow out of it but it only grew stronger. I spent 20 years living the lie while all the time, denying to myself and others that I was gay but deep down knowing I was, however realisation and acceptance aren't the same thing. I also realised that staying in the past was doing more harm than good and I had to focus on the hear and now, that is what matters the most. I couldn't move forward otherwise. I made my first conscious choice, which was just to be happy that I finally can be and more importantly accept, I have always been gay. Nothing can take that away from me. The second was to try and help others so their journey isn't as bumpy as mine. Love is love.
Very wise advice Patrick. I went to therapy for a while but I found it unrewarding but I'm willing to try again. Maybe a psychiatrist this time.
