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Will gay men date bi men?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cornersky, Feb 14, 2022.

  1. cornersky

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    Hi everyone:

    Last month, at 60, I finally came out as bi to myself and to all of you. I'm divorced with grown children. I took another step and signed up as a bi man for an online relationship dating site. That was a BIG step for me even though profile does not list me as bi. I'm not quite confident enough yet to step out of the closet fully. I've reached out to a few guys and so far had 0 connections. I know its important to be patient, but it got me to wondering:
    • How do gay men feel about dating bi men? I sense there is a reluctance.
    • How do gay men feel about dating someone who is still closeted or newly out?
    • Do I have a real chance of finding someone at 60? I likely would not date anyone more than 10 -15 years younger.
    • Does the fact I have a family make me a less desirable dating candidate?
    • Are there areas of my life that sharing in the few questions they allow in your profile would help me connect with gay men? Certain kinds of photos that matter (this is a relationship site vs. hook up)?
    Sorry for all the questions. I fear taking so long to come out may mean I might not find a partner. Let me just say it makes me feel so much less alone knowing I can share here, so thank you!
     
  2. Contented

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    For me personally I would not date someone bisexual. This is simply my personal preference as the idea of physical intimacy with any woman repulses me these days. Couldn’t handle a guy who also was intimate with a women. As to the closet, having been there I am not sure. I might.
    Age wise I think if you find a gay mens group you find a whole spectrum of ages. 60 is not too late for sure. I think a lot of us have this young gay hardbody in a Speedo fantasy however real gay life for most part is different. For me it is more fun to relate to someone closer to my age. More things in common to talk about as you can’t be in bed 24/7. Enjoy your new life.
     
    #2 Contented, Feb 14, 2022
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2022
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  3. Nickw

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    Hey @cornersky

    I cannot speak to how I would feel since I, also, am bisexual and in my early sixties. I have an open relationship with my wife so I do see men. I have found some of the prejudice that @Contented speaks of in my social interactions. As an out bisexual who decided I needed to engage the LGBQT community, I probably have made 20 to 30 gay friends in the last five years. I get hit on all the time and not just for a hookup. The guys my age will often comment that if things don't work out with my wife that they are interested. One of my friends prefers the whole dynamic of older bisexual men with grown children. And, he is a total catch!

    I have experienced, personally, the sort of comments @Contented made about how I could possibly like intimacy with women. But, that has been rare. The way I see that is that it is their loss if they cannot get past that. I know at least 5 couples who met in their late forties to late fifties and at least one of the partners was married to a woman. That's half the gay couples that I call friends. So, I wouldn't worry about this too much.

    If you are wanting to also date women, it might be more complicated. Our society wants us bisexuals to choose one or the other and be committed to monogamy. If that is your game, you will, likely not have any trouble just because you are bisexual.

    Best of luck!
     
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  4. zgaynz

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    I think it comes down to the individual. I personally would have no issue but many would and the same could easily be said vice versa, aka, would a bisexual man date a gay man. What would be important to me is trust and faithfulness.

    With regards to closeted, I can't really speak seeming I'm still in it but as a closeted gay man, it would be hard to date someone without any others finding out eventually and looking from the other side, I wouldn't want to be someone's dirty little secret for too long either.

    Family wise, I don't think that matters, but again, that's down to the individual, much like age is. I would suspect at this stage the number of available men dwindles as we get older at this stage, but that's a sign of the times I would suspect. This generation has far more sexual freedom and acceptance than we did and the next generation may have even more. There was some survey done where one in five young adults now identify as mostly straight. While I don't put too much faith in how the formulated, it still kind of gives me hope. Doesn't help us now though :slight_smile:
     
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  5. Contented

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    While I don’t have empirical data I think the percentage of gay men in society is higher than we think. The LGBTQ center I am familiar with has added 2 more groups for older men coming to terms with their true sexuality. More and more men of all ages are beginning to be comfortable exploring their true same sex desires. I believe it is much more common than most will admit. Certainly not a flood but the gates have been opened and as society’s attitude change more and more men will acknowledge their gay sexuality. There is indeed hope for us all.
     
    #5 Contented, Feb 15, 2022
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  6. Robyn mac

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    Well I first came out as bi and then later just gay. Everyone starts at a different pace.
    So will I date a bi guy oh yes I willl !!! Someone has to make up his mind for him.LOL.
    He is not out yet thats ok. Yes talking in person will help him feel much more open.
    Oh you will find someone. I came out in my late 50's and have no problem. Although I perfer men a few years older than me.
    Having a family I feel helps have something in common . I found alot of men came out after divorces and such.
    As for dating sites you will only get what you are willing to put into it. You can answer them all and weed out the bad.
    Best of luck
     
  7. Jakebusman

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    Ive been turned down by gay guys because im Bi
     
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  8. Robyn mac

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    Like I said I wouldn't reject a bi guy
     
  9. DecentOne

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    A couple years ago a gay guy I knew said he preferred relationships with married bi guys, because they wouldn’t try to monopolize his time. He knew I wasn’t looking for a relationship, so it wasn’t a come-on line, it was something he said he could share with me because I might “get it”, whereas he wouldn’t say it around his gay friends.

    Does your area of Michigan have gay/bi men’s groups (virtual, or starting to become in-person post-COVID)? I could sometimes take lunchtime off from my job and go to the group of mostly retired LGBTQ folks, or to an evening men’s group at the LGBTQ center where I used to live (pre-COVID), and also joined a LGBTQ hobby group. Lots were in relationships, but a couple of folks who weren’t let me know that they respected I was in a closed relationship (I found saying “married” meant nothing, I had to say “closed”) but were kinda disappointed I wasn’t available.

    One guy I knew was 80+ and was finding relationships, if that helps encourage you there is no “too late.”
     
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  10. ThxSens8

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    You'll find someone with patience and perhaps a bit more confidence! For me, coming out was a big confidence-booster, and I've already started dressing nicer and taking care of myself better. I like the idea of looking nice and catching the eye of both women and men. I'm still married and monogamous with no plans to change that, but I'm much happier with myself lately.

    So, basically, I'm saying you should be PROUD of yourself and take a little confidence pill. You deserve it. Do some things that will give you more confidence. Dress well. Join a gym. You don't need a perfect body or a perfect anything. Just look your best! Look in the mirror and say nice things to yourself :slight_smile:
    God helps those who help themselves.
    Do whatever it takes to be so confident that if you get turned down, it's not the end of the world!

    You can get turned down and still find someone.
     
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  11. cornersky

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    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this thread. Just came out to my daughter tonight. Taking small steps towards self acceptance and it has gone well. You're feedback is encouraging. Thank you!
     
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  12. ThxSens8

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    Congratulations! You got this!

    It almost seems like you are saying bisexuality is just a transitional stage for everyone just because that was the case for you? It also sounds like you are perpetuating the myth that bi people are just confused or can't make up their minds.
    I might be misreading you, of course.

    It is important to know that, for some people, coming out as bi can be a first step towards coming out as gay, but that is definitely not the rule.
     
    #12 ThxSens8, Feb 27, 2022
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  13. ThxSens8

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    I'm not sure if anyone else has said this, but you might find it very fulfilling to date another bi person, whether it's a man or a woman.

    My wife is bi, too, and we really 'get' each other.
     
    #13 ThxSens8, Feb 27, 2022
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  14. Robyn mac

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    Say ing someone has to make up his mind for him lol was just a small attempt of humor. Sry for the confusion.
    For me I was in a long term relation with a female. Although sex with women was always a bit off for me. It seemed like work rather than pleasure and joy.
    Discovered my attraction to a man at a nude beach . Just seeing him got me to excited and the thought going thru my mind of lust for him. My gf set me up with a gay friend of her's to have a evening of private talk and self discovery.
    She susprised me one day when I came home and want to swap role reversal in the bedroom. I had enjoyed it very much. She knew alot of people from the club scene and we would bring home bi men for the two of us to play with.
    Since her passing I came out as gay.
    Yes many people do come out as bi before declaring they are gay. As some already know they are gay before they even come out.
    Millions of people have their own pace on decision in thier lives not just about sexuality but say purchuring a home or car ,moving somewhere new.
     
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  15. Robyn mac

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    Yes I do date bi and gay men. I do expect faithfulness from a bi guy. Dating only me as I only date one person at a time.
     
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  16. hopefulB

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    This is a really incredible story, thank you for sharing. (and sorry for your loss, she sounds like your ex was an incredible person). Even having just come out to myself as gay, I do still feel the allure of the bisexual label as having felt a bit... safer? I know that's why I was using it for myself anyway. But I think that was me just fearing the loss of my straight identity.
     
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  17. ThxSens8

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    Thanks for claifying. I think it is absolutely okay to use the bi label as a path to gay. I have no problem with that. I just don't like it when bisexuality is thought of as confusion.
    The time BEFORE knowing that you are bisexual - when you still want to think you are straight - THAT is confusing.
    I was in a bar tonight and the only person I found sexually exciting was a woman. Next time it might be a man. That used to be confusing. Now I just accept it.

    I think it's actually pretty flattering that some people use the bi label for a time. I (obviously) find the sexual fluidity of being bi very alluring.

    In the end, anything is better than being straight. Straight people are freaking weird.
     
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  18. PatrickUK

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    It really depends on the guy. Some gay guys will date bi guys, while others just won't. I know some bi guys are very hurt by this and feel as though they are on the receiving end of judgement and prejudice, but I'm hesitatant to go along with that idea in all cases. I think there are deeper and more complex reasons as to why some gay men cannot bring themselves to date bi men and it's important to understand that.

    As to the other questions, again - it depends. Your age, your family, the fact you are newly out are not necessarily barriers to finding love and happiness, but I would suggest you work on coming out, as that can be more problematic in relationships.
     
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  19. Nickw

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    @cornersky

    So. I'm in the middle of gay ski week where I live. I am in my early sixties. I attend the parties. Some with my wife and some with my ex FWB (he's seeing someone else). A lot of the guys know all about my situation. That does not stop the amount of interest in me at all. Some of the guys are just curious. Some want to hook up. Some are wondering if I am available. The point is that my age and my sexuality (being bisexual) does not seem to have any affect on my potential for finding other gay or bi guys to date...if I wanted to.

    You are not too old or too bisexual to find happiness and relationships. Just be yourself and be honest and open and that's all you really need! I don't know why some gay guys won't date a bi guy. I haven't witnessed it though.
     
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  20. LilLady9

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    You took the words right out of my mouth, well said.
     
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