Monday morning I start my new job as me, I am absolutely petrified

I did an online interview for a telesales position in the early days of December last year and landed the job. I attended the zoom interview as myself and disclosed that I'm transgender and in the process of transitioning, which they accepted without hassle.

Now that I'm about to actually start at the company from Monday and going for training, I'm scared. My stomach has been twisting and turning all weekend and my sleep hasn't been worse.

It's just an irrational fear of the unknown I'm sure, a first as I haven't presented as me at work before and for all my attempts at learning how to dress and do makeup for an office job I still feel ill equipped and nervous. And then there is my voice. I can't afford a speech therapist at the moment and I'm not getting much mileage from the YouTube videos. Plus my facial hair that still needs to go. Ugh. Nitpicking.

Here's hoping day 1 goes really well and helps put my mind at ease. I can do this.

 

Update: After not sleeping for two days and my stomach turning and twisting the whole morning, I finally went for my first day of training at the new job. I got several intrigued looks and could tell folks were a little confused once I opened my mouth but it went well. I felt awkward and nearly burst from a full bladder until I decided to ask where the loo was and got directed to the ladies, which made me feel like they got it right.

In the case of some activities I felt like I was grouped with the guys (like the product I was given to sell) but beyond that nothing funny and a whole lot less scary than anticipated. When they spoke of the amount of girls in the training session they were one out though so I'm fairly confident that they count me separately. Regardless, as their first potential trans employe, I am grateful they are trying.

 

Alrighty, time for an update.

So the job didn't work out. Unfortunately the way they expect one to sell the product and hound customers that have already said no repeatedly, didn't sit well with me and my wavering conviction in doing so meant I made no sales at all. The other thing was that because my legal changes were in process and not completed and there are legalities to the sales they do, I was asked to phone customers as my dead name and sell them. To me going dressed up with makeup and nails and feeling good just to go into my old male personality and voice and name to sell threw me wildly and made me feel heavy uncomfortable.

I called it quits after 2 weeks, however I'd have not made the probation anyhow as we had to make a certain amount of sales in the third week but made none due to the above.

I was heavy demotivated and went into a super bad depressive episode for 2 weeks, got sick, and my back went into spasms so bad that I couldn't sleep.

That said I've got my part time job as a ballroom and Latin dance instructor. I'm creative and have published work as a writer and designed all my tattoos myself (with some references) and I'm studying TEFL. It took some time but I've taken the mentality that I'll be fine and things will work out. The four avenues above and my past experience as an IT technician and Sales consultant means I'm versatile and will find work or a way to make income one way or another.

Anyhow. That's pretty much it. Unemployed but I will be okay.

That and I met another transwoman who's not super fem like myself. She's further on and she's helped me feel at home in my skin being more tough and hard but still a girl who wants to be pretty. We ride bikes together. She's a tattoo artist that's covered head to toe and I'm getting covered head to toe by her.

Life's great.

 

Thank you so much, it took a while honestly. I fell apart for a few days. We choose whether we see obstacles or opportunities however, depression makes it easier to see challenged but we can still choose to look for the positive in it. That's what I chose to do after that. It helps. You manifest what you focus on after all. I'm sure I'll be okay and I'm confident so will you.

 

Oh I did take a photo of my attempt at an outfit on my first day there, was a very new experience for me. Apologies I took this before doing my makeup or accessorizing so I look a tad meh.

 

I am very thankful and grateful for your kind words but it's far less glamorous and successful than a few posts and photos make it out to be.

I work at a dance studio part time where I teach dancing. They said when the time comes they will support my transition, they just need plans on how to deal with it etc, most because of who the client base is and where we are situated. This is a fair request but one I'm not too sure how to handle. I don't even know where to start. This means that while dancing and teaching has been such a great release and way for me to express myself, I boy mode there. The students mostly know and call me Kate, the staff and management know and yet I don't know how to approach it. This and fear has caused me to retract and hide away or go into boy mode when I head into public and when I do it's like I'm someone else completely. I still see a man in drag when I look in the mirror most days and it takes a lot of sulking and several mental breakdowns just to leave the house. My voice never bothered me and now suddenly I'm super insecure over it and how it gives me away. I feel like a freak all over again.

Today I went for an early morning hike with a friend of mine in a local nature reserve. Knowing there'd be close to Noone else there I decided it was time to try out my exercise clothing. Since it's all about fitness and sweat I decided not to do any makeup. Needless to say my insecurities cropped up and my inner critical voice got really loud and mean. So when I got back I took selfies. This I did to show myself kindness and self love. To support myself and say I'm not going to let that voice steal my happiness and progress. Sure I looked quite bad since it sits tight and my body is not grand but it helped a little.

The back and forth is super challenging though. The insecurities and fear often manifest in such an obscure way that it feels more like doubt all over again so I worry I made a mistake or was wrong about who I am. Being a not so fem trans woman that loves bikes and super heroes and pitch black clothes and comic books means I often don't feel at home among other woman or trans woman, which hit hard for the longest time. But I've found that happiness with myself to some extent now.