What to do when you wake up late?

Hi @cornersky
I’m also 60. Putting things in perspective, 60 years ago was a mere 15 years after World War II, and our parents didn’t think a lot about finding their true selves. Move forward to the 80s, as we entered adulthood and HIV/AIDS was taking off. For you and me, there are a lot of reasons to not think about being anything other than straight, if we could have avoided it. But the truth comes out sooner or later, and here we are.

Young people today reap the benefit of some brave people ahead of them. We can learn from those young people who have come of age during a safer, more forgiving time. Among the things that are are available now are lots and lots of resources, on-line as well as in-person. I urge you to find those resources and use them. Oh! Resources like Empty Closets!

Most of all, please follow your own heart. There absolutely is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and while we can sure help and encourage each other, we all have to find what’s right for us.

I’m so sorry about the mental health issues with your wife.

 

Hi @cornersky -
I think there are several people here, at least, who are of our vintage. It helps me to feel so much less alone. The people we think of as being so much younger than us have some very helpful things to say. I think of ‘later in life’ as being anytime after having lived an adult life as fully straight, especially when there are spouses and children.

You being here on Empty Closets helps us all to feel less alone. Thanks for joining!

 

I am 62 married 34 years however six years ago wife confronted me and I admitted I had been with guys the last few years . Obviously not proud of infidelity because it is regardless with a woman or man . However Thru a lot of therapy , lots and lots of open honest conversations we basically made it through the hard first year post disclosure. We remain legally married , live in same home and to most have a normal marriage . There are a lot of Mixed Orientation Marriages (called MOM’s) and they find their unique way to make it work. Needless to say it is not perfect nor easy but for us we make it work for us . That being said you will be surprised once you put yourself out there the amount of guys you will connect with that either you are attracted too or visa versa. Being able to find that is yours and only yours to find . Maybe join some meetup groups and Lgtbtq forums . Good luck

 

You don't have to tell the world unless you want too. For me, acceptance was about finding inner peace. I felt so ashamed and guilty for being gay, like it was my fault and that I was making a conscious choice when in fact the only true choice I had was to accept that I am and have always been, predominantly gay. It's my nature. I regret not accepting this sooner but I live with the adage of "Better late than never". I am very glad I saw the light.

l also decided when and whom I tell but I do expect to lose some friends when I start to live openly as a gay man, but I would ask the question were they my friends in the first place?

I do envy this generation but at the same time I'm very happy for them to not have to go through what I and many others went through just to accept themselves.

Good luck, hope everything works out for you.

 

Hello again, @cornersky. I think the important thing is to take it one day at a time. You may be 60, but you've had a lifetime of believing/tricking yourself into believing you were straight. Therefore, it's going to take some time to fully accept and embrace your same-sex attraction.

The other important thing is (which has also already been said) is that coming out isn't obligatory. It's about whether you want to, and if you do, who you want to come out to. You don't have to tell everyone all at once, or at all; you can take it slow, telling one person at a time: a family member, a close friend, whomever you trust to be supportive. As far as your work is concerned, they don't have to know about your personal life; it's not information they are owed.

Ultimately, I look at coming out like this: if you want to come out, feel it would make you happier and allow you to live more freely as yourself, that's wonderful. But if you choose not to, be sure the reason isn't shame, but privacy. We're all allowed to have private aspects of ourselves, things that we aren't obligated to share. If you find yourself wanting to come out but afraid to do so out of fear of judgment, this isn't healthy long-term. When we keep a secret, not out of a sense of privacy but shame, it can take an enormous toll on our mental health; this is as true for bisexuals as it is for our gay and lesbian counterparts.

So in sum, my advice is to focus on yourself for a while. Come to terms with your bisexuality, learn to love it as a part of the whole you, embrace it knowing that there is nothing wrong with your capacity to love either sex (even if right now your interest in men is purely physical. You might find that changes the more comfortable you become in being bisexual). Only once you're ready and willing should you look into dating. Your family means well, I'm sure--but this is your life. So if you're not ready, please don't force yourself.

 

I don't really get why you'd expect friends of over 30 years to cut you off if they knew about this. If they did do this, I'd question how good the friendships were to begin with. In my opinion, there is rarely an advantage to pretending to be something you're not. Your job might be an exception if you have absolutely no alternative, but even in that case, I think it's bad for your sense of self. It sounds like there have been lots of good things in your life so far, like a loving marriage and two daughters, so try not to regret too much. There's no way 60 is too late and thinking like that could cause you to quit before trying. As for your confusion about what you actually want, you have to find that out through real-world experience. Bite the bullet, put yourself out there, and I'd be very surprised if you didn't become significantly happier

 

I'm not quite as later in life as you, but for these purposes 48 is close enough. I get what you're saying. My ex-wife also had mental health issues which put the nail in the coffin. To me it sounds like you are just coming to grips with everything, so give yourself enough time to figure things out. Just don't overthink yourself into inaction or let fear set in.

 

Hi @cornersky -
Please forgive me if I’m off-base, but from the perspective of hoping to be helpful, this is my impression: your need for secrecy and deception was understandable for people of our age when we were young adults, but now it’s outdated. What you do now is your business and no one else’s, although it would be helpful to have the understanding and support of the people you’re close to. You’re not married now, so you’re not cheating. If anyone has a problem with your interest in men then they’re stuck in beliefs that are obsolete, and that’s their problem. If you prefer to be discreet, that’s your choice and it’s OK - it’s privacy, not deception.

 

Welcome cornersky,
I came out later in life. When I first joined EC I identified as a straight ally to the LGBTQ community. Back when I was young I did have a crush on a guy, but I knew I had very strong orientation to girls. And so I must be straight, right? I did really well at being straight until a few years ago (by this time my wife and I were empty nesters, the kids having grown), when I started fantasizing about guys all the time. I looked around online, learned what I could, and went to therapy. As soon as I realized I was bisexual, I came out to my wife. The emotional roller coaster began - even though I’ve always been monogamous she was very afraid, and she had her own stuff to work through.

I’m glad I’m out to everyone now.

Best wishes on your journey! You are (as others said) surrounded by lots of other late in life folks.

 

Hi Corner Sky!

Welcome to EC. Looks like you have got some great advice already

Firstly, I’d say that it’s never too late. LQBTQ+ as I see it, is more a whenever you are ready to accept yourself game.

I would also say that your true friends would support you no matter what and your kids sound great and like they will be very supportive.

Take your time and have a look through some of the posts by people on EC in similar situations. It sounds like it’s all fairy new to you and I think it helps to take one step at a time. Don’t feel like you have to take any action until you are ready.

In a way I envy the younger generation as society is so much more accepting now but in another way I’m glad they never had to experience the fear, shame and secrecy. I have a few younger LGBTQ+ friends and I’ve learned a lot from them.

 

Sorry for not having seen this, I guess I’ve been away from EC for a couple weeks!
No, I’ve never had an experience with a guy. I think in some ways that may make it easier for me to not be yearning for sexual experience, as I can be content with my fantasies and imagination. I may just be less driven sexually than other people too, we’re all different. My non-sexual interactions in the LGBTQ community seems to keep me feeling authentic in life.
My wife had lots of fear in the beginning, and said some things she has since regretted. She completely wiped my careful coming-out from her mind, and only remembers a later more clumsy follow up (maybe a week or two later) when I realized she was getting all emotional about polyamory but was speaking as if she had no clue why. Her subconscious knew to be afraid, but she’d shut out any conscious recollection that her husband had come out as bisexual. To this day she still believes my reminder was my only coming out, and she has no rational explanation of why she was ranting against polyamory to her monogamous husband that day. It was a roller coaster that got to a better place about 18 months later (it is now about 4 years, still some bumps, but more of what I’d expected). She isn’t afraid of my fantasies, so long as that is my private time and just my imagination. But she said she’d divorce me if I ever say I love a guy, and she has prohibited me from ever commenting on attractive actors or celebrities.

 

It's fascinating that so many of us older guys were married to women with mental or emotional problems. Were we subconsciously building an "escape hatch" into our marriages so that we could justify leaving at some point? Or were we so disconnected from what we really wanted that we felt more in common with someone with "issues"? Do we "accept the love we think we deserve?"

I am 60 as well and knew from my teens on that I was attracted to guys in one way, and girls in another. I would look at women and imagine myself happily married and with a bunch of kids in a very content and average life, but there was absolutely no sexual attraction involved. By my 20s, although I was considering trolling gay bars for hookups and quietly accepting being gay, I desperately wanted a family, and finally met a woman who basically lived in crisis mode, and we connected. Then I discovered that she had wild mood swings and was a kind of perpetual victim, but being committed to someone with "issues" seemed preferrable to not being committed to anyone - which seemed to be the lifestyle of all the gay men I knew - and never having a family or any kind of unremarkable, average, comfortable and familiar life.

10 years ago, a new series of crises hit my life, and I ended up telling her I was gay in order to end the marriage. I didn't hate her, but I was at a point where I was losing my own mind dealing with her, and while it was true that I was gay and I knew it (basically all along), I didn't have any intention of being public about it for a while (if ever). What I really needed was to retrieve my own sense of self and control and dignity. Control freak that she is, she pushed me to be "more gay" than I really had intended to be at the time, with the result that a few months later, I ended up meeting an amazing guy in similar circumstances, and we are still together and in love 8 years later. His ex-wife is as crazy as mine and the two women are psychological funhouse mirror reflections of one another. My 2 kids have embraced him, and his 2 kids are still distant for assorted reasons, but we will see what the future brings.

I'm a musician in a Catholic church and had similar concerns about what would happen if the news got out, although I was not financially dependent on the job. But because a nosy neighbor had started outing me to people, and I also was a catechist with grade school kids, I told my pastor and offered to step down if it was a concern. To my surprise, he let me stay on and said nothing needed to change. I have been fortunate. But I will also tell you that while you don't really NEED to come out to anyone, people do figure it out, and it's easier to control the gossip by being open and honest enough that it's not really news to anyone. My small town is like Peyton Place with illustrations by Norman Rockwell, and people quickly moved on to more interesting stories when the gay organist wasn't a secret.

I have been amazed at the shift in attitudes that I have encountered over the past 10 years. Being gay, or coming out as gay later in life, is not the gigantic shock it once was. Just about everyone knows someone who has gone through the same experience, My friends and coworkers have been quite accepting, and a cousin I barely knew remarked that she had figured it out 30 years ago and was glad I was finally comfortable with it. While my ex and I have managed to build on the friendship we had before we were married and blew it all to hell, she does have several friends who have worked overtime to try and turn her against me, and a few others have pretty much sided against me, even though she and I are very congenial. It is what it is. In general, I have found that I have more friends because people no longer sense I am hiding anything. People sense inauthenticity and it puts them off.

I can't give you dating advice because God pretty much dropped the love of my life into my lap. But even there, I'd say work on being who you want to be, and who you are comfortable and confident being. Think of who you might like to meet, and then go where someone like that would go. And keep the chips off your shoulder. They aren't pretty. But stay positive and enthusiastic, and enjoy yourself. It's possible!

 

Choirboy, what a great post. Thanks for sharing.

 

A friend of mine sent this me today, and I thought I would share it:

“Queer people don’t grow up as ourselves, we grow up playing a version of ourselves that sacrifices authenticity to minimize humiliation and prejudice. The massive task of our adult lives is to unpick which parts of ourselves are truly us and which parts we’ve created to protect us.”

Very best wishes for you, @cornersky