Coming out bi in monogamous hetero marriage

Hi everyone,

I just discovered this forum a day ago and thought I'd join – and I think I've possibly written too much for my first post... If you just want to skip down to my final two questions, that's totally cool.

Anyway, my goal is to come out bi, but remain with and faithful to my wife. I'm not considering the idea of an open marriage. I just want to be true to who I know I am, and to be an example to my two kids so they know they will be accepted no matter who they are.

So the past few years I've been going through the process of accepting who I've always known I am.

A big key stepping stone in that process was discovering the Wachowskis' series Sense 8. For those who don't know it, it's a kind of sci-fi series in which 8 people from around the world discover that they are connected (I'll avoid spoilers). Anyway, through the show, I basically fell in love with all 8 of them (and many of the other characters). There is a lot of queer and trans representation in the series, and I realized that I've been repressing this side of myself all of my life. I have had crushes on both girls and boys since childhood.

As I started waking up over the past several years, I first accepted that I was just curious, but I've since come to the conclusion that I am fully bisexual and could see myself in a long-term, loving relationship with a woman, man or transgender person if I found them attractive and had an emotional connection.

My wife and I have gay friends and we are both firmly against trans and homophobia. She has always admitted that she finds some women sexy, but has never expressed the idea that she might be bisexual. One time on a long car trip when the kids were sleeping, I admitted that I would be interested in the idea of fooling around with a man out of curiosity, and she was proud of me for admitting that. On the other hand, early on in our relationship I remember her complaining that all the guys she was interested in during school or college turned out to be gay, which I took that as a sign that I should remain in the closet, but I don't think that's true anymore now that I know that I don't have to be just straight or just gay.

I always thought I had to choose and "decided" that I would be straight. After all, I really did like girls and life was sooooo much easier that way.

One reason that I am thinking of coming out is that a cousin of mine recently came out on social media, explaining that the "friend" she was living with was actually her wife. I wrote her right away and told her I was proud and supported her fully. I have toyed around with the idea of telling her (or a gay friend) about my truth, but I want to be able to tell my wife that she is the first person I'm coming out to. That's important to me.

I have a feeling that it will go well, but I'm still nervous and I'm expecting her to ask me if I want to experiment. The honest answer will be both yes and no. I do fantasize about experimenting, but that is it. Yes, I've never slept with a man, but I've also never slept with a Black, Asian or, hell, even a tall woman. That doesn't mean I "have" to do all these things.

I love my wife deeply – and I know she loves me, too – and I want to stay with her. But I also want to share this side of me with her. We were having some problems in bed as I've been going through this process. I'd get confused when we were intimate and my mind would wander between fantasies of other women, other men and back to my wife. Now that I've fully accepted and even like the fact that I'm bisexual, our sex life has improved a lot. We have a really good sex life at the moment and it's largely because I've accepted myself and am no longer confused by thoughts.

Eventually, I'd like to come out on social media. For myself, but also in support of my cousin and in support of the musical community I'm involved in. About three bi men (one married to a women like me) that I know on social media have come out, and that has encouraged me to also be open to who I am and maybe influence another person myself.

Once I'm out to my wife, I'd like to come out publicly on Bi Awareness day or Coming Out Day. It's kind of a new year's resolution that I'm not 100% committed to.

For those who have taken the effort to read this and maybe even send me a message of support, thank you.

I just have a couple questions still, but I'll start other threads on them at another time. For now, thank you all for this site and your time.

 

Oh, at the beginning of my post I mention my "two final question". I decided last minute to delete them and make them in to threads of their own at a later time

 

Thank you. I hope you are right. Spending 40 years denying what's in your heart is a hard thing to overcome. I'm crying writing this. I'm so close to being ready, but I'm so very scared. It feels good to write this even if it's totally anonymous.

 

I'm going on 12 years and we have two kids. She's really the love of my life.

How did it go for you?

 

Thank you Bigemini and Rayland, too!

 

I would've say it took me 12 years to get courage. It's only the past 3 years or so that it's become something that I want to share.

 

*wouldn't


Is there any way to edit typos?

 

How was the experience? Do you ever get your sexuality "challenged" by others? I think being bi in a straight relationship is an interesting situation, and I'm curious how I'm going to navigate it. It seems like I'll have to "come out" over and over again, because it won't be apparent to most people, unless I start putting a pride or bi flag on my stuff, haha.

I'm also slightly worried about coming out to my boss, who is gay and another colleague who is gay. I'm very curious to find out if they are believers in the idea that you're either one or the other.

 

Wow, I discovered this forum and came out to my wife less than a week later. This forum was the confidence boost I needed. (I shared my story in another thread)