Earlier Signs - New Twist

I have been doing something similar and it has been helpful to sort things out. Missed some clues, didn't recognize others for what they were. One of the first clues should of been when a friend was talking about a boy she liked and my very first thought was, "He's cute.*

 

That’s a great idea! For me, there were the subtle clues that were like a gentle dinner bell (noticing a cute guy) and there were the ones that were more like a fire alarm (doing oral with a guy). It’s kind of amazing that still I took on a totally straight lifestyle.

 

Funny enough, I've been doing something similar. I don't really put it in chronological order, but I do mention the age (or approximate age) I was at the time of these attractions. I've focused on same-sex attraction, because opposite-sex came so much easier. I find it a useful exercise in understanding myself better, helping with memory, and also as a good way of combatting any self-doubt that creeps in regarding it (because sadly, it still happens despite the endless evidence supporting it).

 

Remembering clues that suggest that I was gay makes me smile now. There were so many and I love that a little part of my homosexuality was breaking free during them. To me what you are doing sounds like making a collection of happy memories or a celebration that you’ve always been gay.

 

I think it could be a helpful way to encourage your attraction to the same sex. Remembering all the times you felt this way should tell you acting on these feelings will make you happy and being intimate with someone of your own gender is just something you do because it is part of who you truly are. For me being assured I was gay helped me enjoy being gay more.

 

I also do something similar to this. When I was questioning, it helped me remember a lot of things in my past. I might write a sentence that leads me to remember something else. I also like it because it is like a collection of memories, even funny ones that I can look back on when I'm older.

 

Looking back I realized:
1. I had to think about a guy most of the time when having sex with women.
2. Fantasies about men were always way more intense and more often than I thought.

but most importantly:
times when a guy would flirt and I would get really angry and defensive - convincing myself it's because I was straight but then fantasizing about him later.

 

I too created a journal of sorts when I started my sexuality journey to acceptance. I looked back through my life and recorded each sign, no matter how insignificant at the time and came up with 26. This showed a pattern of behaviour, which left me no choice but to accept. I wasn't surprised though as I realised I was gay a lot earlier than when I accepted it. I was making conscious decisions to suppress these desires so I knew what I was doing.

My journal details more than just signs, I also ask myself a lot of tough questions and keep track of when/if the answers change, I keep a diary of all the major events that shape my sexuality, things I have realised past and present since accepting my sexuality, my thoughts on various topics to do with my sexuality, how I've explored it since and my hopes for the future to name a few things. Yes, I too found this therapeutic and arousing.

 

If you don't mind sharing. I'd really love to hear about some of the things you recorded

 

For me it was certainly the case that when I first had the realisation I wasnt straight I thought there hadnt been any previous signs but the more I figured things out in my head, became more comfortable with myself etc the more I looked back and realised there had been loads I had just not noticed any of them at the time.

 

As I began to examine my life honestly I saw evidence of my gay leanings as a very young teen. Sorry I wasn’t self aware then. It would have saved a lot of grief and unhappiness over the years.

 

You might need to be a little more specific as I've recorded quite a lot over the past few years. Quite a bit of rambling at times too.

 

I don't think I'll be writing this stuff down, but I do agree with going back and thinking on my impulses, and the more I think about it, the more signs I see.

If I think back on my earliest crushes, even in elementary school/before puberty, I remember crushing hard on two girls and one boy that I knew. I also remember once asking myself "Why do men only marry women?" I had never seen a same-sex couple until well into college. It wasn't even normalized on television yet.

By the time I was in middle school, the words "fag" and "gay" were common insults – and I remember how much these insults stung and how nervous they made me. I was always worried that I'd react to it wrongly and be somehow exposed. I remember once a male friend said "I'm not gay, but I'd fuck Kurt Cobain". I was so shocked and jealous that he could say that comfortably, I didn't know how to react. This environment pushed me to repress any confusing same-sex attraction and try my best to only focus on my (also very real) opposite-sex attractions. Funny enough, I think that if I had been more able to fully express myself and be confident in who I was, I would have actually had more success with women. Sex was too confusing and intimidating back then, and due to some other experiences, I thought I wasn't very attractive, but now I know I am and was. Too introverted back then, I guess.

Well look at that, I did actually write some stuff down, and more than I intended. Perhaps I need this too...

 

I under

I know that feeling. Starting the bi feelings around 11 yo and was scared but also fascinated

 

I was just wondering if it was just specific thoughts you had at a time, memories of doing or saying something, or maybe an attitude someone expressed that made you cringe inward. That kind of stuff.

 

Fascinated is a great descriptive word for how I felt whenever I encountered ideas of same-sex attraction. I even remember in high school when I heard that someone was gay, I was fascinated with that. I can't say that I was attracted to that person, but definitely fascinated.

 

The thoughts I have written down are reflections of that past and not what I potentially was thinking at the time as a) my journey started many years ago (even if I never realised it had) and I simply don't remember what I was thinking and b) I didn't want to be gay so I'd do my very best not to think about it in the first place.

The reflections simply acknowledge that while at the time I experienced the sign, I didn't think it was related to homosexuality or I rationalised it anyway I could so it wasn't, however when you put all the signs/events together, it became very clear.

For example:

• I loved gay pornography but I rationalised this as a curiosity even though the discovery wasn't by chance, I went looking. I felt compelled too. In straight pornography I found myself focusing on the man mostly and lesbian pornography did nothing for me. This is when I should've accepted I was gay. It also features as on one of my biggest regrets as I lived many years in denial and when I would slip back in to old habits, it created a lot of shame and worry that I need not have had to go through. Acceptance is not coming out and it took me far too long to work that one out.
• I never chased girls during my high school years. While I was attracted to some of them, looking back I don't ever believe it was sexual and I was faking it to throw any attention off myself. Gay in the 80's and 90's high school system was a no no.
• Growing up, I would sneak a peak in the changing rooms. Who doesn't? I rationalised again as a curiosity, comparing myself to my peers but looking back, it was more than just that because it happens on more than one occasion. I was fascinated by the male form.
• When questioned if I were gay, I noted that I would immediately respond with no, deny it, makes excuses but I also noted I felt uncomfortable and nervous, which lead me to change the topic of conversation quickly. Why? Well, we all know why.

There are plenty more but this is how I wrote about signs and experiences. Writing about them actually made my sexuality real to me. It allowed me to see that there had been a life long pattern of homosexuality, denial and excuses, which lead to decision that it had to stop. I had to accept who I was.

Since then it has served as an outlet to express my homosexuality as I am pretty much in the closet. I'd go mad otherwise. It also finally shows me that I am at peace, neigh, very happy with being gay. Lets say when I first accepted it, I wasn't over the moon about it, but with time and more reflection, I realised it was the best thing for me.