I live with my housemate and best friend of 4 years. She means the world to me and we used to do everything together. For the past year I have also been seeing my girlfriend with whom I have a turbulent relationship that has been taking a toll on me and my relationship with my housemate. Even before this, my housemate has had several arguments with me because our relationship has become a negative and unequal one where she has the role of a caregiver/mother/therapist and I am an emotional dependent. She has asked me to change this and to pay more attention to the way she feels, to try to understand her, to help her feel better when she's down and anticipate her needs. She struggles to open up to people including me, and I struggle to take the initiative. Consequently, I never find out what's wrong when she's feeling sad, she always tells me her life sucks and that's it. She wants me to preserve and ask questions to show I care and try to help her and find out what's wrong. With the girlfriend in the picture things have got worse as I now have to split myself between the two of them (especially as they don't get on), consequently I'm handling both relationships badly. She has asked me for more time, said we don't spend time together anymore. And this week she had cooked me dinner and planned to spend the evening with me and then my girlfriend texted me and I went out with her instead. I know that was wrong, but I'd just also had an argument with my girlfriend who also complained I don't spend enough time with her and she is thinking about breaking up because I don't give her enough. I feel. Like I can't handle both at the same time as I'm doing both badly. After that my housemate has now told me that's the final straw, she said we need to live our separate lives now as she's tired of this. I'm so devastated and depressed and I wish there was something I could do to get her back as I really regret how I treated her. I don't know what I can do about the communication issue as I genuinely don't know how to support someone when they're going through something, but I do at least regret not putting her first over the girlfriend who isn't half as important
Hello, @GatoAzul. Hopefully I can be of some help. Some questions, though: -What aspects of your relationship with your girlfriend are turbulent, and why? -Why do you feel your friendship is more important than your romantic relationship? -If you had to choose between them, would you choose the roommate and if so, why? I think it's worth examining the reasons why you put your friendship above your relationship, first and foremost. Is it because your friend has been a sort of live-in therapist, or do you genuinely enjoy her company more outside of that context? Are your feelings for her platonic, or something else? And if something else, are they mutual? If there's something potentially between you, do you think your girlfriend is aware of this (even on a subconscious level) and that this might be part of what causes trouble between you? I don't know how you can win your roommate back, other than to promise to do better and then to follow through on that promise (provided she's willing to give you that chance). As to your relationship: do you really want to be with her? It seems to me you don't value her as highly as your roommate, you seem unhappy with her and more like you're just going through the motions, doing what you think she wants some of the time (and missing the mark the rest of the time). I'm not judging, of course; if you don't feel strongly enough about her, that's not something you can help. But if you aren't happy with her, if the bad outweighs the good or your heart's just not in it... Well, the choice is yours, but it might be worth considering letting her go. It's not fair to you to stay in a relationship you're not happy in, and it's not fair to her to be in one where her needs aren't being met. It doesn't mean either of you are bad people (I don't know enough about your situation to say otherwise), but it does seem to be a lack of compatibility. In sum, do some soul searching, figure out what's important to you, what you're willing to lose and what you can't bear to lose--and act accordingly. It might not be easy, it might hurt and cause some difficulties. But nothing worth doing comes easy, and so is the case with happiness.
