NOTE: This isn’t one of those posts about how gay people and Pride are dreadful- in fact I really want to meet other gay and queer people, and take part in events like Pride, but I just don’t feel like I’m welcome or belong or have anything to offer. A bit of a vent but also looking for advice. I’ve always felt a bit like this but some things recently have made it worse: Going to art school, where queer people are very visible, has highlighted how different a lot of other people in the community are from me with my boring. I don’t have expensive, interesting clothes, I’ve never smoked weed, I’m not a vegan, I don’t know all these other arty, interesting people who sell their work through Etsy etc. I’m so boring in comparison and not cool at all- I work as a cleaner (even though I enjoy it), I do do some art/creative stuff but I’m bad at it, the things I like most are cooking and hiking/walking I suppose. I’m also from a [UK] working-class background which doesn’t help. Oh and I’m definitely what you could call ‘unconventionally attractive’. Most of the gay people I’ve met are so open about their sexuality, and they’re genuinely proud (I am still getting there myself- came out to parents this year aged 27, and still haven’t been in a long-term relationship or had proper sex, all which I’m very ashamed of), very political (I hate politics, and it makes me feel like I am holding back gay rights or something). I’m so jealous of all these other gay people Secondly, as part of me becoming more comfortable with my own sexuality, I’ve been feeling more and more disinterested in ‘straight culture’. I don’t fit into either group! Does anyone else feel like this? I have been trying to consume more LGBT media to try and celebrate my sexuality more but it just makes me feel sad- the fact I don’t look like any of the people who supposedly represent me sucks, as well as the fact I’m such a ‘late bloomer’.
I feel the same way you do! I don't fit in with the straight and cis community, but I feel so boring compared to other people in the LGBTQ+ community. But listen, you don't need to be political, or artsy, or have cool clothes, or be pretty to be in community. You also don't need to relate to others in the community to part of it. All you need to be in the community is to have a sexuality and/or identity that the community supports. You'll find people who look and relate to you in this community. You will. The basis of this community is to be you, so be you!
Lottaotter (I love your screen name!), I do relate to a lot of what you say. There is, I'd say, a lot of 'lifestyle stuff' that gets caught up in communities based on sexuality/gender, some of which you mention. And you also touch upon that great unmentionable in UK polite society: class. I really wish there was more discussion about this in LGTBQ+ circles. We're all meant to be 'inclusive' in the 21st Century, but my intuition is many more people than we all probably aware of feel excluded from the queer 'club' because of this. How to tackle this...? Well, that's more than my brain is capable of this late on a Sunday evening. You're absolutely not! I'm 52 and I only realised that I'm trans at the grand old age of 50. And there are others here for whom the penny dropped even later... Beth x
Not all gay people can be tarred with the same brush even though it seems there are definite stereotypes people want to group us all in. Some will fit these, some don't. I don't. I am a late bloomer too, don't dress flash, I am not a vegan, I'm not feminine in the slightest, I've never smoked weed and would consider myself plain looking. I do have some artistic ability but I don't use it. I am me and no one can tell me that I don't belong. While one or two know I'm gay, the rest of the world does not but even if they did, it wouldn't change who I am and I'm not going to change this for anything. I am proud to be gay regardless. If you're happy with whom you are, then what does it matter? If they don't like it, then stuff them.
Thank you, I agree maybe the word 'community' is maybe not the right one, as the only thing that 'unites' us (...in theory) is 'not being heterosexual' which is a pretty broad brush! Maybe there are more people like us but they're just not as visible.
Thank you Your message is really supportive. I think people - many of the people I've met at art school - simply can't comprehend how anyone could have reservations about and around LGBT people. Traditional masculinity, gender roles etc. etc. are still held sacred in working-class Britain and sometimes people make fun of me for staying closeted till I was 27 and living in a different part of the country to my family. But for me and lots of other people, that's reality! I have been trying to get more involved with meeting new people (not just LGBT) so that maybe I'll meet other people who feel similarly excluded from the club.
Thank you. I kind of oscillate (if that's the right word?) between feeling proud of who I am (the way I look is a big sticking point for me) and feeling ashamed. I hope I can get to the stage of unconditional pride in myself like you sound like you've reached! An example of how conflicted I feel is that I often (though not so much nowadays) wish I was more masculine. I suppose I'm not stereotypically 'camp' either, but then everything macho and masc is completely unappealing to me! I don't know if this is because of society's adoration of everything masc but it sucks anyway, as it seems like most of the gay men who don't feel they fit in with the community are really into all that typical 'man stuff', whereas I'm not at all. Maybe this is a topic for another post.
It took me many years to be proud of who I am and the key factor for me was accepting I was gay and there was nothing I could do about it. I don't believe sexuality is a choice, however I could chose to accept it rather than continue to fight and deny it. Feeling ashamed and guilt for my homosexual desires caused more harm than good. Realisation and acceptance aren't the same thing. I believe many realise quite a few years before they truly accept it. Once I accepted it allowed me to then move forward and get to the stage where I am happy and proud of who I am. Love is love. It's OK to be gay!
You are valid even when you claim to not fit in with the rest of the community. Instead of comparing yourself to others perhaps you should focus on the things that make you happy. It doesn't have to be anything big because the little things can mean just as much. Everything else that is meant to happen for you will come when the time is right.
Thank you. Even though it feels weird and horrible sometimes I try to make a list of things that make me me.
Thank you. Hopefully trying to be accepting will help me with how I feel about my appearance and how I present too.
It can be very difficult to find your tribe especially if nothing is a perfect fit for you. I don't really fit in with "straight culture as I have zero interest in stereotypical masculine things like sports, cars, or tools. Yawn. Some of my interests are more stereotypically gay, but I don't exactly fit into the rainbow, glitter, unicorn mold either.The closest fit for any tribe is sci-fi geek having gone to several Star Trek or comic conventions. I'm all over the place and as a result feel like I don't really fit in anywhere.I'm working very hard at not giving a rat's ass and just being me.screw conformity and embrace being contrary.
Hmm I will have to have a think, to be honest I'm not really sure what kind of things would go on a list like that :/
Okay because I was also going to suggest you join different communities either offline or online that are related to any specific hobbies you might have. That way you would have more opportunities to bond with people you can relate to that don’t have to just be on here.
Sorry for the late reply. I've made a list of the things I do for fun/interests/hobbies. To be honest most of them make me seem very weird and I always get very tense if someone asks me what I like to do in my spare time (a holdover from school days). I think this is all related to feeling so lonely in the city I live in now. I literally only have one friend here, even though I've been here almost three years. Maybe it sounds like I am just moaning but it's hard to come across people with shared interests. I want to talk with passion about what I'm into (I love listening to other people do this) but feel I really apprehensive, plus I rarely get asked to share details about myself, for example at work. I find other people interesting, and I don't mind small talk at all, but God I wish I had something deeper. Sorry for the long reply. No pressure to reply.
I do understand what it is like to feel lonely. Where I live there are two people I consider friends so unless one of them or a family member is present I don’t interact with other people that much. Then, find a way to keep that loneliness from getting me down on my own.
