Hello! I was just looking for some perspectives on my orientation. I guess I'm not that worried, and fairly at peace with it all these days, and I know the answer is ultimately; 'whatever I am is fine', but there is a little bit of a sense of it being unresolved and I was curious to hear other perspectives. I am a 36yr old man, who is without a doubt attracted to women. From my teens, I also started fantasizing about gay sex and watching gay porn. For a while, I felt very ashamed of this. In my twenties, I admitted this to my best friend (at the time) and was supported over this issue, and a couple of years later me and my then-girlfriend invited him to join us in threesomes, before we ultimately all parted ways (a whole other saga!) I did really enjoy these sessions, but also I was very anxious back then, drugs were involved, and hence I was nowhere near as grounded in myself as I am now. Nowadays, I still watch gay porn, sometimes going through waves of it being the only porn I watch. But I generally don't find myself attracted to men in person, though I am occasionally surprised. And I'm not that averse to thinking about it in person, sometimes I might let my mind explore a male body just 'to see', but I can feel some repulsion at this sometimes. I think I am very attracted to the idea and fantasy of gay sex, and the objectification of male bodies, but actually, in practice, men just don't light me up the way that women do, especially romantically. But then, it's not all women that light me up, and it is some men that do. I have gone through occasional phases of wondering whether I should explore it more, and sometimes in these phases I have noticed being attracted to men more often, so there's a little bit of a sense of my sexuality following my intentions. Lately, I have considered going to gay saunas, especially as my body is in a great state at the moment and I've liked the idea of being naked around other men. I've also almost gone into a gay bar, but was a bit intimidated in both cases as I was going by myself. I generally have very healthy relationships with sensitive, male friends, (although none are gay that I know of), so although there would be some fear of judgment, I think I'd be well placed if I were to come out. But actually, there just doesn't seem to be the gusto to follow through on it all. If I died without ever having explored further, I think I'd be fairly at peace with that! I am curious to hear how many relate to this experience, and I suppose in particular, I am curious whether anyone then discovered they were more homosexual than they had at first thought. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in some sort of pathological denial, but then the evidence against that is the undeniable physical response I have to women versus men. I am curious when I hear stories that people always knew that they were gay. And for those that were in denial, did they always know on some level? E.g. if I am fairly openly seeking, (as I am here), should the truth not arise fairly clearly? Thanks in advance!
Hello, @Taur2022! There could be many things blocking you from fully realizing your sexual orientation: shame (most often originating in childhood/youth, when we grow up in homes/communities that discourage anything outside of the status quo), internalized homo/biphobia (again, brought on by those messages from authority figures and peers), heteronormativity blinding us from our own innate desires, a low number of people who match the types we're interested in, etc. The latter, it seems to me, is one such issue working against you; you've been attracted to and have had sexual experience with other men, but both of these things have been rather limited. So it's entirely possible that you are bisexual--but with a much stronger preference for women than men. Or, like I said before, maybe the types of men you're attracted to are far fewer than the types of women. As for always knowing? There are many people of any orientation that didn't always know; the LGBT Later in Life is a testament to this, so if you feel awkward or ashamed of your own situation, you needn't. It's a lot more common than you'd think.
I can't say that I have always known. I know a lot of gay people who have said that they knew in childhood. I was absolutely clueless or oblivious before the age of 12. Even then I didn't recognize sneaking looks at other guys in the locker room for what it was. Many years of being oblivious or in denial. For the longest time I thought of myself as bi, but right now I am trying on the gay label to see if it is a better fit.
Your story seems very familiar, if not common. When I was growing up, I often sneaked a peek when the opportunity presented itself in the changing rooms but I put it down to mere curiousity, comparing myself to my peers as you didn't want to be gay or bisexual during these times. It would've made your life very difficult. We also didn't have the internet back then to explore or learn about sexuality, that would not arrive till a few years after I finished my schooling. The one thing I noticed is that while my peers were chasing girls, I was not. It didn't particularly interest me and I felt uncomfortable. Any interactions with the fairer sex were because I felt I had too not because I really wanted too. Once the internet arrived, like any young man, I went in search of heterosexual pornography but after a few months, the urge to look at gay pornography became too strong that I gave in and was hooked immediately. Watching it aroused me more than any straight pornography had but even though I probably now realised that I may have been gay, there was no way I was ever going to accept it and any further exploration of my sexuality was cut short when I was caught "red handed" by my mother. I'm pretty sure she saw what was on my screen and knew what I was doing but said nothing. I was so shocked and ashamed that I would not look for another 15 years, burying and denying my sexuality. I didn't want to disappoint my parents so I lied to myself to appease others. Fast forward 15 years to one fateful day where out of the blue, the desire to kiss one of my male friends was so strong that I had to make excuses and leave. I had never felt this level of desire before, let alone for another man. This started a chain reaction and I resumed my love affair with what I had given up all those years before. Living alone allowed me to do this without fear of being caught. I went through stages of internal reflection, realizing that there were so many signs that I had a homosexual side, even through my denial years, that I never picked up on, but others did and I inadvertently confirmed that to one of my friends when questioned. I know many will question or disagree with the following statement, but it's how I feel, I feel I was born this way and therefore was destined to end up here anyway. In late 2017, I accepted I was bisexual. It was a long and arduous process but that's how society raised it's youth in my day. To use the Kinsey scale as I feel this represents my change the best, I put my value at a two. I claimed to be more heterosexual than homosexual, though my homosexual side was more than incidental. I was more straight so in my eyes, more acceptable but within months I had changed to a three, equal attraction. It would be a year later and I would finally make the move to the homosexual side of bisexual with a change to a four. I finally admitted to myself I was more gay than I was straight. I had always known this but it took adjustment periods for me to undo the damage of the past to get to the stage where I felt I could accept it. Halfway through 2020, I then made the latest change. I changed to a Kinsey five and with this change, I started to identify as gay rather than bisexual. I don't see myself changing to a six, I still find some women sexually attractive but have no real desire towards them but acknowledge that this could change given time with them. This lack of desire though will probably not see this happen so for all intent and purpose, I'm gay. I feel gay and more importantly, I want to be gay. Realisation doesn't give one peace, acceptance does. This concludes my very summarised story and while it differs from yours, it's still similar in ways. It seems many of those who accept some level of homosexuality later in life go through denial, questioning and adjustment periods. Mine just took way longer. Hope this helps you.
Thank you for your replies @BiGemini87, @bsg75apollo, and @zgaynz. It was very interesting and really helpful to read your stories and perspectives. Yes, I think it might simply be a matter of fact that I am only occasionally attracted to guys, rather than those few attractions are just the tip of the iceberg, ie. the ones I am unable to suppress and deny. In a way, I hoped I would discover that I am gayer than I appear to be, because then there would be a clearer incentive to pursue it! I dread the thought of going on a string of dates with guys, hoping to find myself lit up, only to be disappointed repeatedly at a lack of chemistry and having to reject others should they feel something. The thought of spending time with a guy in a situation that is framed as potentially romantic/sexual feels quite uncomfortable for me, versus going on a speculative date with a girl and finding there to be no chemistry. But it is something I would like to remain open to, so I shall keep wading forth with an open mind!
Hi Taur - check out my post titled "Curious Late in Life". Seems like we're in similar places, and I got some great replies. Too bad there's no way to get together and talk it through, but best of luck.
I get this 100%, there is a guy who likes me and we hangout. In my head he'd be a good partner but I cant help being tense and uncomfortable when it is slightly romantic. In my head I think I could be bi but then in reality I know I have a pure attraction to females. You arent alone
