Please Help Me Work Out What the Hell is Going On...

WELL. I'm back again. Nothing much happened over Christmas and new year, except that I did feel more accepting of myself. I'm conscious that I'm dressing slightly differently recently too, less feminine and more in the things I like. My counselling tutor is definitely NOT gay (I was surprised, I was getting such a vibe from her) - we went to a colleague's wedding and she mentioned her other half a few times and told us about what HE does and what HE'S like etc, so I was wrong there.

Anyway, at work over the last week I've got friendlier with another female colleague and we'd worked together on a task with one of her classes and them opening up about things, and when we were chatting afterwards she mentioned something about some of her class (age 16-17) being confused about sexuality and unsure about LGBTQ issues and stuff... and I said something like 'haha, it's not just them. I'm also... not straight' and she was immediately really supportive and nice. She said something about how ohhh, that made sense and things about me then fell into place, and she asked loads of questions and listened and it felt good. A few days after that I contacted our local LGBTQ support group to find out about groups and about talking to people. Not heard back yet, but I will try to go to something if I can. Then last night I posted something on instagram about possibly looking into dating apps, and one of my other friends started messaging me about what sort of guys I was looking for... so I said well ACTUALLY, it's not guys.... so then we had a chat. And then a second instagram friend asked similar, and I said the same to her. So then I posted it publicly on instagram and now quite a few of my friends know.

We've got a work thing next Friday night, going out for a colleague's birthday, there will be me, the nice colleague who knows, the birthday person who I get on really well with, our lovely gay male colleague (the only out gay person I know at work) and his husband, so I'm feeling as though this might end up with me telling more people in person, which I feel pretty good about.

I don't feel too much any more that I'm labelling myself as old and fat, apart from in a joky way. There's no point me pretending that I'm 23 and a size 10. I'm just me and if people don't like that they can lump it. I've been quite happily single for over 10 years so even if nothing happens and I'm single for another 10 years then that's not a bad thing.

 

AND I just updated my profile thing on the left there.

 

I kind of joined a dating app (seems ok, not that I know much of dating apps in the last 15 years!) and somehow I may be meeting up with someone called Emily next weekend. So... yeah. I'm fluctuating between feeling positive and feeling ridiculously scared and wanting to cancel.

 

I won't cancel, but I feel a bit like it! I know I've got nothing to lose, if nothing else I'll have met someone new and been to a new place (we're meeting half way and going for a walk somewhere that looks nice). I can't realistically see it being a relationship as I'm not sure we have a huge amount in common and we do live a good hour and half, 2 hours apart. But she seems nice and I wouldn't be doing anything else that day anyway.

 

The vast majority of people on the app though... sheesh! SO many to swipe left on. Maybe I'm massively fussy. But I can't get over how many women have one photo that's airbrushed to oblivion, or eleven identical photos with puppy ears, heart shaped freckles or bunny noses. Or a photo of a cat and zero profile info.

 

Yeah... so I cancelled. I mean, I rationalised it by saying the weather forecast was horrendous, which it really is, and shall we postpone to another week, but I can't do next week and she can't do the week after, so... yeah.

 

To be honest, there wasn't much chatting anyway. I have no idea why she wanted to meet me really. She is very outdoorsy and active (which I do like) and said on her profile that she isn't glued to her phone, but we've only really exchanged a few messages. In a way I liked the idea of not wasting ages chatting before meeting (I've done that with men in the past, back in the day, when you chat for ages before you meet and then meet and there's nothing, so it all seems a waste) but there hadn't been much of a connection so far anyway.

 

Maybe... she didn't say that though! So I don't know.

As for who I'm looking for, I really don't know! But I'm attracted to people who are cheerful and enthusiastic, open and honest with no silly mind games. I feel as though I have zero clue what I'm doing with wlw relationships so she'd need to have a clue and take the lead. And I suppose physically I don't go for very feminine types, I've been swayed by all the Tiktok mascs with their waistcoats and cheekbones and undercuts.

 

I suppose I've been minimising and repressing my feelings for women for so many years that I find it hard to know what's attraction and what's just admiration or friendship!