Is it okay to find out you are gay after having two kids? I feel like I fucked up by not noticing the clues. I fear how this will ruin their childhood
Hi Dannytheshining, When parents know who they are, it makes it easier to raise children who know who they are. I didn’t come out to myself and my wife until we were empty nesters. Fortunately my now adult children were raised in an open and affirming way, and we’d taken them to many diversity events. I had considered myself to be a straight ally. I never had to worry how my children would receive the news that I’m now realizing I’m bisexual. I glanced at other postings of yours. Maybe you believe you are going to “break” your marriage as you embrace your orientation? That’s different. Helping kids cope with things that go wrong (or just change) is something hetero couples have to consider too.
Of course it is. It's not your fault; sometimes, these things just happen. Hardship is a part of life--it might be difficult for your kids, but the best thing you can do is be there for them, listen to their concerns, and answer whatever questions you can. Like @DecentOne said: kids raised by parents who are confident in themselves and know who they are will help them to become confident in turn. No one can go through life without some sort of adversity, and while we as parents do everything we can to shield our children from the worst of it, we can't protect them from everything--and nor should we. The realization of your sexual orientation isn't something they need to be protected from; it's a part of who you are, and while it might impact them because of whatever changes it creates in your relationship with your wife, it is by no means an awful thing. Change is oftentimes painful; the sooner we learn this, the sooner we can grow.
First of all. Yes, it is okay. It better be because I am in the same boat. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all do the best we can at any given time with the tools we have. I had the opportunity to come out when my kids were young and I didn't take it. I used to reason that it would make the kids lives harder, but the real reason was just plain old fear. The kids will be okay with it if you are.
It's definitely okay to find out you're gay after having kids. How it will affect them probably depends on a lot of factors other than your sexuality. For example, whether you get divorced, whether you have a calm or acrimonious divorce, how much you stay involved in their lives, their ages, and whether the community is accepting of gay parents would probably all be important in determining how things go.
*Lots* of people (including me) didn't figure things out until their 30s, 40s, 50s, sometimes even later. And we have quite a few people your age and older with kids who are (or have been) in the exact same place. So you're far from alone. The good news is, you're still young enough that, should you choose it, both you and your wife will have plenty of time to find the loves of your lives. It's uncomfortable and crappy in the short term, but when you get past that, things will work out better in the long run for both of you... *and* for your kids.
Kids respond to kind, compassionate, loving parents regardless of their sexual identity. When it is appropriate, you can be more open about who you are as a man. Developing a healthy relationship with your kids where open communication is the norm will be helpful to everyone in your family.
