It all fell apart today. It's hard when your girlfriend tells you she won't now be spending Christmas with you and your family (as it was last year, with your kids and your ex-husband) and also you that she feels unwanted and it's all on your terms. Having earlier said she was choosing not to come on Christmas Eve, because it was easier for her with pet care responsibilities, she turns around and says she was not invited and was excluded. It's not true that she has not been welcomed in my home and there are presents I chose for her now sitting there in a cupboard unwrapped. I have also been accused of just using her for sex today because I initiated sex and she went along with it, but says her PTSD is too bad to receive pleasure and this leaves me feeling really down as I have only ever been a gentle sexual partner and my greatest pleasure is to be able to give pleasure. This isn't very well expressed. But I just feel sad and crap and needed to share it.
Peterpangirl.....I am so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. I can understand the feeling of being deserted. I was just 17 when my stepfather died in a car accident, my mother sold our house and moved far away and I was left alone at a college dorm for Christmas. There was no one else at the dorm. I'm hoping that, even though she has deserted you, you can still make Christmas with your kids (and EX if you get along with him) a good family time. Christmas can be bitter-sweet for me. In addition to what I mentioned about, on December 25, 2014 I came very close to ending my life. I could not see how I could come out and I could not see how I could go on hiding my sexuality. The wonderful people here on Empty Closets quite literally saved me that night. Those same people and more are also here for you tonight and tomorrow and all the days and nights after. We love you and want you to know that we will be with you this Christmas and every Christmas to come. .....David
Aw, crumbs. That sounds like a crappy situation. I wonder if she’s having emotional overload - which I don’t think is uncommon during the holidays but isn’t reacting to it in the best way. Is she lashing out with no real reason to? Maybe you need to tell her that what she said, how she blamed you, was unwarranted and how you felt about it. Ask her if there’s something more going on, maybe specific to this time of the year? Hopefully, she’ll apologize and work on communicating better, either through therapy or the two of you having focused discussions about whatever is going on. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
I probably won't be very good at giving advice on that being kind of bummed myself, but David (Quebec) is right about us being here for you.
Thank you, David. I really appreciate your reply. I know you have faced some really hard times in your life, the massive and irreplaceable loss of your love and partner many years ago and the difficulties of coming out to those closest to you. I recall reading your coming out story and crying. I am so glad that you are still here today to tell your story and to spread your message of love, belonging and acceptance where it is so much needed. I really don't know what I would have done without the folks of EC. I am not sure that I could cope with the loneliness, isolation and heartbreak of the past 5 years without you all here. With my whole heart I thank you.
I think she is experiencing emotional overload. She has been in psychotherapy for a long time and I am coming to believe that it isn't really helping, just digging up more and more trauma. It follows her everywhere: the taint of the childhood sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her father and the appalling rape she suffered at the hands of a serial rapist and murderer whilst at university then repressed for many years (she was given a drink spiked with rhohipnal and suffers flashbacks). And it permeates all her relationships - intimate through to work relationships - paranoia, rage, mistrust, thinking someone is the best thing since sliced bread one minute then a piece of work the next...of course she can also be very loving, humorous, witty, intelligent...But there comes a point when someone else's instability can make you feel that you too are losing the plot.
Oh no. That’s really difficult but if, on balance, you’re having less fun than more in the relationship, maybe it isn’t for you. It’s truly unfortunate all she’s gone through but you can’t be expected to “carry” this relationship along as she heals, especially if she’s not getting noticeably better. She is probably not in a place to be in a relationship. It’s not fair on you. You’re giving/doing what you can on your end but not getting satisfaction back on her end. Not because she doesn’t want to but she just can’t. Partners should lift each other up not drag them down. :{ Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
I can't say I completely understand what you both are going through, but in order to fully deal with repressed trauma or PTSD the person usually has to un-repress it and face it. They have to work to get their brain out of constantly being in fight or flight mode and into an 'I'm safe now' mode. It takes a lot of mental conditioning done by the person experiencing symptoms to themselves. That's part of the process unfortunately. However I completely agree with Really, if you're having less fun than more then it may be time to leave.
