Mom still knew I'm trans, still doesn't accept me

We got into an argument where she reiterated all of her old opinions: I'm going to the other side of paradise (hell) if I don't change, I'm going to change back, my friends are filling my head with lies, God doesn't make people trans or gay (she thinks being bi and gay are the same) and people who think that way aren't normal. She also tried to jerk my pant leg up to see if I have body hair and that's what started this whole thing- I do have body hair and always wear pants and shirts with sleeves to hide it from my family. I'm already dealing with worse stints of dysphoria at the moment and can't alleviate it. Last night my best friend had to calm me down over text just so I could get some sleep before work (I'm lucky to have her)- I was crying a lot. I got a fever blister/cold sore this morning from the stress and sadness. I don't know what to do. I know I need therapy for everything but I'd have to get it in secret because my parents don't like therapists since ethics codes prevent them from being openly homophobic and transphobic.

 

Thank you.

 

I try to be optimistic, but sometimes I'm bad at it. One day I'll hopefully get through all of it.

 

Thank you, Beth. I hope so, I'm considering getting a second job if I don't get offered full time shortly after this new district manager settles into their position. I need to get my parents' names off of my bank account, they've never taken any of my money (besides some cash I had saved up stored at home two years back) but I don't want them to even have the chance.

I think she's scared for me, but the more I try to explain the more she tells me I'm a girl and always will be- that's when I simply stopped trying.

 

Thanks River.

 

Unfortunately I was burnt out from my senior year (didn't really get a summer break that year either) and just discovering that I'm trans in my first semester away from home- I did poorly, didn't even make it to my end of semester jury from an anxiety attack. Then after trying to be more independent, shutting my family out after I outed myself on accident due to unacceptance, and doing a bunch of risky stuff in secret because I was falling apart they moved me back home against my will (technically illegal but I let them because I was scared it might get ugly). I've been here for three years now. I have grown up in some ways but I'm still probably not where I need to be. I have two friends willing to take me in, but I'd have to walk several miles to get to either one (parents own my car too) and leave my dog behind. Nothing about this has been easy.

They might notice the money transfer and my cousin works at my current bank and could tell them. I hardly carry cash so taking it out that way all at once might raise some flags. Maybe in small increments? As for therapy, I was going to do BetterHelp until I realized the charges would be noticed and it was going to take a big chunk of the money I'm trying to save. Thank you for your advice Resu.

 

Maybe, that might work.

 

I do have a car, but it's technically my parents. A friend of mine has suggested this to me before, the only problem is the car I currently drive is still in good condition (it's racking up the miles but otherwise it's fine). So I guess if I find an excuse to have a car that's actually my own I'm set.