So, I (30, a gay man) am considering coming out to my dad, but wouldn't like to just sit him down and tell him without any preparation. I'd like to expose him to some sort of LGBT+ content to gauge his reaction first. So, my idea was to watch a movie with gay characters and story lines with him, just so that I can see how he responds, as we've never discussed LGBT+ topics so far, and I'm really not sure where he stands. Do you have any suggestions? It shouldn't be obvious from the movie what I intend, but the gay story line should be compelling enough so that we can start a conversation and exchange opinions after the movie. Depending on what he says and how he reacts, I'd plan "the talk" for another day. Or not, if he appears to be too negative.
That's a great idea on testing the waters with him, I think. As for recs, hmm... The Birdcage (with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane) is a good one, I think. It's funny, but it also tackles the very real issues gay people are often faced with in a heterosexual society.
Out in the Dark is the a great one. Just read the synopsis and see if you can try that. It's because, there's hardly any gay sex scene to make you people uncomfortable, but it deals with this issue very seriously. It's about 2 people from two different backgrounds (Muslim in Palestine and Jew in Israel iirc) falls in love, their trials and tribulations. Another one is Just a Question of Love. Again, it deals with this issue but without any obvious sex scene to make you uncomfortable.
Thank you both for your recs. I think that all the three movies are good candidates for my little experiment. I'll choose one of them, and hopefully, the reaction will be neutral-to-positive.
Keep in mind that unless he's completely clueless, and unless you ordinarily sit and watch non-mainstream movies with him, this little maneuver isn't all that subtle and is likely to tip your hand. Perhaps that's what your after, in which case, it's perfectly fine... just be aware that people all the time think they're being super clever by doing stuff like this and for any parent that's even remotely clued in, it's likely to be seen for what it is. In no way am I suggesting not doing it, just pointing out that it may not be the sort of subtle thing you are thinking it is.
Thanks, @Chip. I haven't thought about this from that angle. Well, we do occasionally watch non-mainstream movies and shows on my initiative, but, yes, I agree with you. Maybe I should consider a couple of other unconventional movies before the gay-themed one, so that it's not that obvious what I'm trying to do.
I will. I've prepared a list of "experimental" movies, one of which with gay themes, so we'll watch them over the course of the next few weeks. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ex Ponto*****You might want to consider using a letter instead of a movie when the time comes to tell your dad. Coming out in writing/email means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter/email, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can even use it as a kind of script if you do choose to come out verbally to him! Again a big plus to a letter/email is that you don't have to be present when it's read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the person reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your dad will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you are gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your dad...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
Thanks! I'll definitely take a look and think about what I could write in a letter. Even if I don't end up sending the letter, it will help me articulate myself better, as you said. We've been watching some non-mainstream series and movies together, from selected episodes of Black Mirror to Conjuring. However, unexpectedly, a talk show on gay rights came up on TV a couple of weeks ago. He wasn't very talkative and ignored my attempt to start a conversation about the subject, even though we watched the show for several minutes.
Hmm. I'm torn between thinking it was merely just a lack of interest on his part, or discomfort. You know your father better than anyone here: which do you think it was in this instance? What was his body language/tone like in that moment? Hopefully if/when you do come out to him, his reaction will be a great deal more positive.
He mostly seemed disinterested in the subject. He just waited for a topic switch on the TV, and when I said something about the anti-gay politician on the show being a hypocrite and that gay marriages should be allowed, he didn't reply. As if it's a topic he doesn't like, won't talk about, and would silently agree to anything I say (or rather, wouldn't disagree with me) out of courtesy, but otherwise, has no opinion of his own or is not willing to share it. It's something like a "don't ask, don't tell" stance with some discomfort but not with hate or anger. Soon, we'll watch something with more expressed gay themes, so I'll gauge his reaction better.
So, it seems that I've got my answer unexpectedly. The plan was to watch several non-mainstream movies so that an LGBT-themed one doesn't come as a surprise. However, it happened out of the blue without any preparation. I walked into the living room where he was watching a movie about a mafia member purported to be gay and shunned by his community. I didn't get all the details about the film since I was doing something else but closely monitoring my dad's reactions nevertheless. When the actor started talking about oral sex, I sensed fear, discomfort, and defensiveness in my dad's body language. He crossed his arms and became quite tense. I said nothing at that point. Later, when I was about to leave the room, there was a scene in which no one wanted to talk to that character. I asked my dad why they were treating him like that. He replied they didn't like him anymore or something like that. As it seems, he's uncomfortable with the subject, but on the flip side, there was no anger or hatred there (that I could detect).
Ex Ponto.....Movie suggestion: "Love Simon" It will really get to the point of what wrestling with being gay in today's society means. It's a contemporary movie that's entertaining. Give it a thought! .....David
@Ex Ponto That does seem pretty telling, though it's hard to say what your father's actual thought process was at the time. It's not uncommon for people to become uncomfortable with certain aspects, like the act of sexual gratification. I wonder if his reaction would have been the same, better, or worse had it been a scene about two men cuddling, hand-holding, or any other non-sexual act? I'm guessing there'd probably still be some discomfort, but it is a curiosity.
"Love, Simon" would not be remotely subtle. It would probably raise questions pretty quickly, both because it's inescapable that it's a gay-themed movie, and it's primarily aimed at teens and young adults. You might get away with Birdcage (which is super gay), but it stars Robin Williams, Nathan Lane, and Gene Hackman, and is just hilarious, and had a good mainstream audience when it came out. Or, more subtle, maybe Devil Wears Prada, where Stanley Tucci plays a pretty obviously gay assistant to Miranda Priestly. His gayness may not even be mentioned at all, so it might be *too* subtle.
I also wondered what his reaction would be to something less sexual. So, I decided to go with Birdcage, as you and @Chip suggested. We're going to watch it today. I'll let you know how it goes. @Jakebusman Somehow, I was ambivalent to his reaction I wrote about in my previous post. On one hand, I did wonder if I was ever going to tell him and if I would have to exclude him from a large part of my life, possibly to the point of no contact if things got ugly. On the other, I was at peace, as I felt that even if he didn't ever know about me or accept me, my acceptance of myself matters more. But, I do have a feeling that he might be more sad than angry if I came out to him. That might be just wishful thinking on my part, since I believe that's something I could work with. Hopefully, Birdcage will make things clearer.
Well, you are a grown man and you can live your life how you want. Of course, it would be better if you don't lose contact or hurt your relationship with your dad. Who knows, maybe he's got some bi curiosity that he's been repressing. Maybe that's where his discomfort comes from. That used to be me, hehhehe. Of course, I'm just totally speculating. Don't get your hopes up on that front.