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I'm almost there..?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ron961, Dec 7, 2021.

  1. Ron961

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    Hello everyone,

    First of all I'd like to say that this forum is incredibly valuable. I often read your posts and it has helped me a lot knowing I'm not the only one struggling with my sexuality.

    I wrote my first post on this forum last summer. Explaining I (male , 36) am in a heterosexual relationship and will get married in June 2022. I've had bi- and homosexual thoughts and desires since I was a kid, but always did my best to fight this and surpress my feelings.

    I came out to my fiancee and mother as bisexual a while ago. This felt as a bit of a relief, not having to hide my true self. But I've noticed that I'm still not very content and a 100% happy about who I am.
    I've started therapy some weeks ago to overcome my sex addiction (mainly porn, which I use to fulfill desires I otherwise cannot fill). I used to have a double life in previous relationships but I chose not to do that any longer and stay faithful to my fiancee.
    During this therapy I need to abstain from any sexual activity (masturbating, porn, sex), which caused my libido to lower to -10. At the same time my sexual thoughts and desires having sex with men or being romantic with a man only got stronger - sometimes in a compulsive way (the thoughts just won't stop). I sometimes fantasize how if would be to sit at a table with a gay man and talk about stuff. Often when I see a gay man I do identify with the person, or feel a certain attraction. Not neccesarily sexually or romantically, but more like "I recognize you, we're the same". For me this indicates that maybe I tend to lean more towards the gay end of the specrum rather than bi, and that identifying as bisexual is only an excuse to stay in a heterosexual relationship.

    Currently I'm quite confused about this. I noticed that I've started to develop some gay traits after coming out as bi (while I'm extremely masculine) and I wonder if there's still another me inside that would like to show himself. I just keep making up excuses so I don't have to be gay, for instance:
    - I just feel that women are so much cleaner than men
    - Being gay and having sex is only trouble, since I like to bottom and cleaning is too much trouble
    - I found the woman of my dreams who ticks all the boxes, although I notice a discontent feeling inside of my and that I still cannot be the person I truly am.

    This all makes me feel "I'm almost there", that the door towards to selfacceptance, and self-love is almost open. I have always disliked myself for who I am, which feelings of guilt, shame and sometimes disgust. But I have feelings of homofobia and extreme fears that my suspicions could eventually be true. I don't really know how to deal with it, if I should tell my partner or not or if I should say or do things that are irreversible. My family is quite open, but I am damn scared because of all this. Knowing the wedding will be in 6 months time doesn't make that easier either.

    I hope someone can relate or identify and has some good tips or advice. Anything is welcome really.

    As English is not my first language, I'm sorry for any typos or unclearities. I did my best.
     
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  2. Jaimequestions

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    Hey there. I would say the first step is self acceptance and self love. If you are honest with who you are to yourself, then you will be more open to telling others about it. I would mention this to your fiance because the feelings will only come back and much stronger. I realized I was gay after getting married and I feel like a ticking time bomb.
     
  3. Michael

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    Hopefully I can help you, or at least try. Being Bisexual is not 'easy', it took me a long time to understand how much we suppress
    out of fear. Doesn't make it easier, it makes it harder.

    Does your girlfriend you are struggling with both porn and being bisexual?
    I don't mean just telling her in passing 'I'm Bi', but telling her you desire men the way you do. Sounds like a terrifying thing, to open up so much, have you had these sort of conversations with her yet?

    How much thought have you given to what it means to be Bisexual, and how the way society perceives Bisexual men has shaped the way you see yourself?

    Last but not least, would she be willing to wait for you beyond those six months? If she is meant to stay with you forever, can't she wait a little bit longer, at least until you have dealt with your addiction? Have you asked her?
     
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  4. justaguyinsf

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    Work on accepting yourself just the way you are now, even if your sexuality is ambiguous. There may not be a clear answer of gay vs. straight for you, which is probably pretty common and okay. Decide how you want to express your sexuality, and be honest with your fiance.
     
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  5. Nickw

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    Hey @Ron961

    I’m also a bisexual and married to a woman. I kept this from her for nearly 30 years. Good on you for sharing your sexuality with your fiancé prior to marriage.

    Being bisexual, I will say that not ever expressing the same sex attraction part of your sexuality may prove to be difficult. In my case, when I was sexually satisfied in my heterosexual relationship it was pretty easy to put my same sex attractions aside.

    But, as I aged and my wife became less interested in intimacy, my same sex desires really kicked in. I’ve talked to a number of other bisexuals who report the same. My wife understands and accept this and we have worked this into our lives. In my case, I have a male FWB.

    I don’t recall if you mentioned ever having same sex intimacy. Have you been with another man? For me, not experiencing this was tough. I think it might have led to more of my discontent later in life.

    I guess I’m here to warn you that being bisexual is not easy. Our societal beliefs, in general, do not really permit a bisexual to act on the range of her/his sexuality. We’re sorta required to make a choice in most cases. For some of us, this is fine anyway since some of us are more monogamous by nature. If that’s you, then going into a marriage is fine. But, if you have ANY lingering doubts about your ability to NOT express your same sex attractions then you might want to wait a bit on marriage until you work your way through your porn addiction and any other issues you have that might affect your ability commit to monogamous intimacy with your fiancé.
     
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  6. Bastion

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    It’s a great step that you came out to your fiancé. This makes a hell of a difference. I know and admit that I could not and still on the fence about it. Due the fact that everyone in my environment is not accepting and I know there would be serious repercussions. That’s the reason. But I also don’t act on my impulses. I acknowledge them yes. But I am not unfaithful in any way. Yes I was tempted a couple of times. But am glad I did not act on it because it would only make matters worse.
    That’s that I guess. I would strongly recommend from experience. That you think it over with yourself if you have doubts any doubts about this commitment before getting into something you might not be happy with.
    It’s also good that you are in therapy. Try as much as you can to work on things with your therapist and ( your current partner if it’s possible) It’s always better to work things out if you are not sure sooner than later.
    I am also working things out with a councilor/ therapist and am going to write more on that on a new thread.
     
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  7. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @Ron961! I think you've gotten some good advice already, mainly that finding self-acceptance, whatever your orientation might be, is an important step towards understanding yourself better. Whether you are bi or gay, it's important to give yourself time to become comfortable and accepting of your same-sex attraction. Hard as this can be, once you're able to let go of the shame and guilt, you'll find yourself getting closer to that goal. This isn't to say you won't struggle with the dips and valleys that come with it; it's perfectly normal to achieve self-acceptance, yet to sometimes feel guilty or ashamed. As long as you help yourself understand where those feelings are coming from and how to combat them, your progress will improve over time.

    As to what your orientation is, only you can determine that with thorough self-examination. Ask yourself how you feel about your fiancee: do you find her attractive? Are you drawn to her intimately? Have you felt that way about other women as well? If so, and if your answer is similar or the same for men, I'd say it's safe to assume you're bi. The fact that your attraction and interest in men is currently overwhelming (and that you feel some incompleteness in your relationship) is likely a byproduct of suppressing these feelings.

    I encourage you to discuss these feelings with your fiancee as openly and honestly as you can. It can be frightening to broach the subject, but in order to have a healthy relationship and a good start to your eventual marriage, it's so, so important to talk about what you're thinking, feeling, and your needs. Just the act of telling your fiancee might ease some of the pressure you've been experiencing, though be sure to let her know you're not looking to do anything she doesn't agree to; that you just want her to know this other part of you, and be able to talk about it because it's such an integral part of who you are.

    I hope this helps.
     
  8. justaguyinsf

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    The above comments of the guys who are or were married to women really resonated with me and my experience of being married to a woman. I went into my marriage understanding that I had a strong(er) attraction to men, but I stayed faithful to my wife. Unfortunately the marriage broke up after about 10 years and having a kid, which was probably due in part to my sexuality, along with some other more serious issues. My biggest mistake was in not being completely honest with her about my struggles, and if I were ever to consider dating a woman seriously (unlikely) I would disclose my sexuality to her early on.
     
    #8 justaguyinsf, Dec 7, 2021
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2021
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  9. Ron961

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    Thanks a lot for your eleborate response. Great for you that you managed to work this throught with your wife. A male FWB is a great option, it seems. I've talked my situation through with my fiancee; she's pretty scared that I make a decision which excludes her in my life. To be fair, I love her and she's an amazing woman. But still I'm not sure how to deal with a life without having sex with man. I can be monogamous, but I notice that my gay fantasies are too strong to ignore. The only solution now is to watch porn to fullfll these desires. But that's exactly why I'm doing therapy at the moment.

    I have had sex with men before. Even though I liked it, it always felt "wrong" in some ways (because I did it secretly or while in a relationship with a woman). But I'm curious how it would be without feelings or shame and guilt.

    I recognize what you are saying: at first I was madly in love and totally forgot about any same-sex attraction. But now the butterflies have more or less vanished and I notice stronger desires. How did you handle the situation and how did you discussed your struggles with your wife?

    And if you could have done things differently regarding your sexuality, would you have done so?
     
  10. Ron961

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    Thanks a lot! I told her my story partly, but without going into details too much. I guess I will have to tell her about my feelings and fantasies as well. I still need to find the courage to do so, because I feel ashamed of it. Mainly because she may feel incompetent of matching my desires.
     
  11. Nickw

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    @Ron961

    You asked if I would have done things differently regarding my sexuality. I have to say the only thing I would have done differently would be to let my wife know of my same sex desires much sooner than I did since the dishonesty kept me from being as vulnerable as I should have been.

    I am right in the middle of the gay/straight spectrum. So, for most of my marriage I was very satisfied and happy. And, my wife and I are a perfect fit in so many ways. I also had a very close male platonic friend who I realized after he died that I was in love with. So, I was blessed with a situation where I loved a man and a woman most of my adult life. You can’t assume that can happen.

    The issue for you may be to figure out if you are really bisexual and not gay before you marry. It seems reasonable to delay until you are quite sure that you can live without men. I don’t think going into a marriage with the idea you can have it both ways like I do is a good idea. Had I had a boyfriend at 30 my wife would not have gone along with it. In a marriage of decades one learns how important it is to provide a space for each partner to thrive. This takes trust and experience.

    My thought is you really do need to level with your fiancé and let her know all the details of your past history with men. It’s only fair. I guarantee that not leveling with her will backfire some day.