So I'm a transwoman and I am mostly out except for at my two jobs. During these times I present masc and go by my deadname. The reason is because the first time is of a majorly conservative and conventional nature and the employers straight up told me to leave it at home. I know... The second job I go to directly after the first ends and don't get time to change how I present there yet. So today we had a formal event for job 2 and I had to dress masc fancy. Whats weird is I normally hate it and yet somehow I wasn't as uncomfortable as I have been in these sort of clothes Mt whole life. I can't say I enjoyed it but I know I looked good and pulled it off well. Which upsets me and comfuses me while making me feel a little weird. I mewnn a woman so why do I feel a little proud over how good I looked? Admittedly I used some eye liner to give myself just something and I under dressed so j could feel less weird about it. And I have long hair. Now I know it's just presentation but the two often got hard on hand. Anyhow. I am not the most feminine person ever and this sort of stuff feeds into my insecurity because of my identity. Like if I'm not going going be feminine what's the fuss about? May as well have tried remaining a man. But I don't want to because it doesn't feel right and that's not how it works. Right? My brain is mush.
It's pretty weird, isn't it? I'm not the most feminine type of girl anyone could encounter, but I also can't say that I'm entirely masculine. Back in my younger days, I used to wear a lot of dresses. Now I don't feel any some sort of comfort wearing them. I prefer wearing pants more, than skirts. I went to a exhibition yesterday. Bought a 37€ bow tie from Ruty Design. It's made out of silk. I even look fancy wearing it. I wanna look gorgeous for my high school photo. Whatever type of clothing you feel comfortable wearing it, do it. Maybe one day you'll prefer wearing skirts more, other day you might feel the need to wear trousers.
I think the important thing to understand is, women are more than hair, make up, dresses, and stereotypically feminine things. The fact that you felt you looked good in masculine apparel doesn't make you any less of a woman; there are many GNC women who enjoy more masculine wear, pursuits, hobbies, etc. and it doesn't diminish their womanhood--so why should it diminish yours? I think it's also likely that you're just accustomed to having to wear masculine things regarding your jobs, so subconsciously you might just be making the best of it. This might change over time, especially if/when you're able to present in a way that feels more aligned to who you are. In sum, I don't think it's a bad thing or anything to be too concerned about. You are who you are, and that's what matters.
Clothes shouldn't mean so much, should they? But somehow they do.. My own experience, I guess, is that the longer I have to present as male at work, the worse I feel. One of my jobs is tutoring kids and I'm some way from going full time so on particularly busy days I can come home late from work and my dysphoria will just be raging - there have been times when I'm almost in tears. Conversely, all through lockdown me and my friend would meet up each week and cook for each other. She's a cis woman and would be typically dressed down - trousers, no make up, where as I would be always in a dress or skirt and fully made up. Sometimes I'd feel ridiculously overdressed compared to her, but then I'd had to remind myself that it was so important just to have a moment once a week when I could be seen as the person I am. I don't know how any of this links to what you're saying Katelyn, other than the others are right - clothes don't maketh the woman, it's what you are deep down inside. Beth