Just need to organize my thougths here a bit, by just writing them down. Sorry, if it don't make any sense. 1. I have been feeling very low. I have many intrusive thoughts and sometimes I tell myself in my mind: NO! Stop that. Like it's not right for me to feel them. Then I start to feel scared to be alone with my own thoughts and I start to ignore them by trying to find myself an activity, that would keep my mind busy. This is also why I'm writing here, just so I could give my thoughts an outlet and not be alone with my them. Usually I just listen one song for hours upon hours or deal with my hobbies to keep myself in check and ignore my work load and not think anything. I seem to have no motivation anymore, but still feel like not giving up on my dreams. That is one thing that keeps me going. 2. My perfectionism is disturbing me too. I tell myself that's okay to make mistakes and such, but my brain don't want to hear it. Maybe it's because I was the oldest child in my family and my parents always had high expectations, but I'm not smart or have any talents. I always got compared to my cousins too, who got all good grades and are very smart. If I don't achieve the expectations I have set for myself, then it again makes me self loathe myself. I already have low self esteem. I still have time until my first therapy and I do plan to talk there about all of this. I wish the time would go quicker. I have so many issues, because all of this distress, that I will problably scare the therapist too. I wonder if I can say it out loud to them, that I'm transgender. I'm very nervous about it. I play this scenario in my head thousand of times all over and over again. I just want to come out already and feel like getting reckless. I wish I could break this stupid wall, that stops me and I wish I would stop feeling scared of everything. I have only plans and imagination for now. Future is so unclear for me.
Hey, I'm not on here very much anymore but happened to log in today and see this and I just wanna say, intrusive thoughts suck. In my experience, mentally going 'no' and 'stop that' can work at least to an extent to shut the intrusive thoughts up. Replacing it with something (genuinely) positive can be good, too. For example, if your intrusive thoughts are doubts like "I'm going to fail this math test," try replacing that with, "I'm going to do my best." I say please hold off on telling anyone you're trans, because I don't know how it is in your country, but it's not safe or advisable to tell just anyone, and that includes therapists, doctors, parents, etc. I know it sucks having to not tell some people, but please remember you have a welcoming LGBT+ community online that you can talk to and be yourself around. And in fact, people like therapists, doctors, parents, etc, aka people who both have some degree of control over your life and who might not be able to be trusted, should not be told unless you are 100% sure they will take it well. This is for your safety and wellbeing. I'm pretty selective about who I tell and when, and it's been a good thing. Not everyone needs to know, and you are better off not telling certain people at all, at least for now. Also, shit really does get better. I'm 21 now and stuff has improved so much since I was younger. Edit: I'm not sure if this is very helpful, but I wanna say, we're here for you. You're not alone in dealing with all this stuff! Also if I end up not logging back in or replying, I apologize. I've been really busy with school and I have not been on this website very much for years now. I just log in very occasionally.
I understand how frustrating that must feel because it’s how my brain tends to operate most of the time. Even though I’ve never been compared to anyone else related to me. When it comes to the transgender part I agree with @ErickWolf, but in terms of your self-esteem issues, I think being more open about it with the people you trust is a good thing. Everyone can go through that at some point in their lives no matter what race, gender, or sexual orientation they are.
Thanks for the replys. The thing about my country is, that it's very conservative and there are a lot of homophobes and transphobes. Anything that is different is not treated well, even though we are the least religious people. Then again I know people who are very open minded and they even have relatives who are part of lgbtq+ and are married with a person, who is same gender. And they are so open minded and that all just makes me want to scream who I really am. I don't know how people would react to me being trans. I know that my father is homophobic and has even asked me, that I'm not lesbian, right!? Just because I hanged out with my female friends a lot. And said short hair don't suit me, it makes me look like a guy, but that's exactly what I want. I feel like he would start and others too trying to convince me, that it's all a phase and would laugh and riddicule me. I feel like my mother and sister would be supportive. Rest of the relatives I'm not sure about. Loosing family would be hard for me, even though I'm 30. I want to become more independent and start working after graduation. I'm still in school, because I changed my profession. I wasn't happy with what I had. I am working towards realizing my dreams, but it just gets tough keeping a secret, when I usually tell my family everything and I feel so quilty, that I can't even look anyone directly into the eyes. I can't even look myself at a mirror. I feel like the older I get, the harder it will be to transition, but I want to do it and be free from this prison and feel happy. The intrusive thoughts I get is that I don't deserve to be happy and there's even feelings of ending things and this is what scares me, but that don't last long, because I think of others feelings and about my own dreams and I want to see, if I can make them into a reality.
