1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Still have hope

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by GeoTrekker, Nov 8, 2021.

  1. GeoTrekker

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2019
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    39
    Location:
    Midwest
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey ECers,

    Infrequent poster here. Still gay, still closeted, still married (she knows I'm queer), still spinning my wheels. I have a very good, comfortable life with a good wife and two great kids. My best days are when I allow myself to be optimistic for the future while not obsessing about the slow speed at which I'm getting there. That being said, I don't know if I'll ever be able to put my needs first, knowing the pain it would cause my family. Therapy is helping me navigate this, but some days can be so draining. Reading stories on this forum from others in similar situations reminds me that I'm not alone. I still have hope.
     
    SevnButton likes this.
  2. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's good to hear that you still have hope; hope is what gets us through the roughest parts of our lives, what makes them bearable. Hold on to it as much as you can. :slight_smile: You're doing the right thing with therapy, as well; I'm sure each day will get you closer to reaching the clarity you need to navigate your future.
     
    GeoTrekker likes this.
  3. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,175
    Likes Received:
    2,348
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    GeoTrekker.....No - Never alone! And there is always hope. My story is long and I don't want to into all of it now. On December 25, 2014 I had reached what I call my final crisis. I felt that I could no longer pretend to be straight...that I had kept the secret of my sexuality forever and could keep it no longer. At the same time I felt that there was no way at all that I could come out. I felt that coming out would destroy my family, my standing in the community and shake my church to the core. I was trapped with no way out. I had heard of empty closets on another website and had looked at it a little. I had a full bottle of pain pills in front of me. I decided to give EC a try and made a user id and logged on for the first time begging for help. I gave it ten minutes to respond or I was going to take the pills. The wonderful people here on EC responded that night and gave me hope. I've learned so much, I've changed so much since then. I've found that there is hope, that there are people out there who will help! I'm still not out to the world, but I've discovered that I don't need to be out to everybody. I've grown so much. I'm not out to all of my family, but the ones that I am out to have been accepting. It turns out that I wasn't trapped, I only thought I was! It hasn't always been easy...but it has been worth it! Hang in there...I know that it will be worth it for you too. :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  4. Mr B

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2015
    Messages:
    94
    Likes Received:
    24
    Location:
    London
    Hi Geo Trekker! I am exactly where you are... married to wonderful wife, two kids, out only to her, but she doesn't want to believe it! I cannot bear the thought of ripping my family apart and the suffering it would cause us all. At the same time, I am being consumed by the desire to be with other men. This could go on for another 5 or 10 years, who knows... I just feel completely checkmated. Everyday I wish that I could go back in time like 20 years! I would have lived a completely different life!
     
  5. old tacoma

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2020
    Messages:
    267
    Likes Received:
    190
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    GeoTrekker likes this.
  6. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    @GeoTrekker , you are so not alone! This journey of discovery of our true selves while simultaneously protecting what has come to be so important to us is not simple, and it is not easy. But I believe it is worth it. Best wishes to you.
     
    GeoTrekker likes this.
  7. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,175
    Likes Received:
    2,348
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @GeoTrekker & @Mr B ......I have those days when I look back at the pivotal points in my life and think if I had been my true self at that point, life would be so different now. Yes, it would be different...my three wonderful sons, my six incredible grandchildren would all be wiped from existence. The truly good years spent with a loving and sincere woman would be gone. Ok...I get it, I'm gay and I always have been. Sex with my wife was always difficult. I'll admit I had to picture having sex with a man when we were having sex in order to get through it. I did it because that's what I thought I had to do. I did it because that's what I was raised to believe and I didn't know that I had any other choice. But that doesn't change what the situation is now. I can't and won't wish non-existence on my whole family just for my peace of mind. The past is exactly that...past. Now I need to look to the future. How will my family react to the news that dad is gay. A lot depends on the age of the kids. Mine are married adults and I've come out to two out of the three of them. My eldest is a pastor and it was hard for him, but he accepted it. The fact that I have never cheated on his mother in the 43 years we've been married was important. It's probably obvious from that statement that there is a story behind my gay-life. For now, if you haven't followed my posts, I can quickly share that I haven't been with another man since the death of my boyfriend in 1972. My middle son came out to me as pansexual on Christmas day this last year, so I decided that it was a good time to come out to him as gay. It was quite a tear-fest! I haven't yet come out to my youngest son. I think that when the time is right, I'll know it. From your age info posted below your Avatar, it would seem that your children are much younger than mine. However, kids know a lot more about sexuality today than I ever did! Since you're both out to your wives, it would seem to me that a conversation with your wives, no matter how uncomfortable would be the first step in choosing how to tell your children. Don't think that you will be able to keep this secret from your kids. Sooner or later they will catch on...as I said, kids know a lot more about sexuality today than they did when we were young. I was a school teacher for many years and I saw how quick kids were to pickup on things like this! I don't mean to discourage either one of you, although it may sound like it! It's just that you are at a pivotal point and being open and honest is going to put you in a far better place in the future with your children. Making it clear to them now that you love them and that love will not ever change is really important. There maybe a divorce in your future and your children need to know that you love them and that any divorce has nothing to do with them. For years I thought I was the reason that my parents divorced. I'm sorry if I've rambled a bit here, but I'm sure you'll understand as what I've brought up has probably been going through your mind. Both of you...please keep us updated on how things continue to work out! Remember, you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #7 quebec, Nov 12, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2021
  8. Juliamem

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2021
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know they have argued back and forth about the validity of it for decades, but I still think the Kinsey scale is most accurate at explaining human sexual behavior. It states that a very small percent of the population is 100% heterosexual and 100% homosexual, and that the rest of the population falls somewhere in the middle. I want to believe that humanity is mostly good, and that the majority of people on earth wouldn't marry/have children with/spend years with somebody they had zero attraction to. I'm not saying it never happens, but the majority of the time I don't think that's the case. I have been exactly where you are, but in my case it happened rather quickly. There were lots of other variables in my case that accelerated the situation, but the decision to leave had nothing to do with the quality or quantity of our sex life. It was more like, this relationship is no longer exciting, our lives are so mundane. I would be so much happier in a relationship with a woman. Gone were the days where we would be happy to see each other when one of us got home from work, and we never went out on dates to dinner or the movies. Then he started using drugs, then got verbally abusive, then physically abusive, then he started blowing his entire paycheck every week on new parts for his car. We fell behind on the bills, started losing everything, and when I asked him to go to counseling he flat out refused because he said I was the problem, he didn't need counseling. That's how I knew it was beyond repair. We might still be together today had it only been homosexual desire, boredom and wanting something new that was at play, but that was the least of our problems, and he did not want to compromise at all. We divorced and I didn't jump right into something else immediately, I waited years. I started dating a woman and initially, it was exciting and new just like I thought it would be. Once the novelty wore off, it wasn't much better than my relationship with my husband. The nail in the coffin was she gave me an ultimatum to marry her or call it quits all the while her entire family had no idea we were even dating. She refused to tell them the truth about us for fear they would remove her name from the inheritance had they found out she was in a relationship with a woman. Then I caught her red handed sexting a 16 year old boy. I went from bad to worse. The grass is always greener on the other side in my world.
     
    SevnButton likes this.
  9. GeoTrekker

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2019
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    39
    Location:
    Midwest
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks everyone for your responses, I really appreciate it! I will say when I married my wife I would have said with 100% confidence that we would be together forever. I went into the marriage with the best intentions but was also very young and naive about sexual desires and aging. I knew I had a strong attraction to men but figured that would subside over time. Welp, that certainly hasn't happened!

    While there are days I really wish I could divorce and start living a more authentic life, I very much have no regrets about getting married. My two boys are amazing and without my marriage they wouldn't be here. My wife and I have always taught them to be respectful of all people and they both are very accepting of LGBTQ+ people. I know they would still love me if they knew the truth, but it would crush them if my wife and I were to divorce.

    My wife knows I'm not straight but not that I identify as gay. She's been accepting of me and really wonderful through all this. I hate not being able to tell her the full truth, but I also don't want to hurt her. I've always been one to put other's needs before mine so wrestling with these tough decisions have been challenging to say the least.
     
    old tacoma and SevnButton like this.
  10. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well... here's a reframe you won't like. :slight_smile:

    You hate not being able to tellher the full truth, but you don't want to hurt her. So instead, in effect, you are lying to her. And this is the person you married, who you should feel closer to than anyone else, who, as part of marriage, the two of you have (presumably) made a pact to be completely open and honest with each other, and not hold back anything that's important.

    So with that in mind, if your roles were reversed, what would you want? Would you want your wife to silently suffer and hold back a big part of who she is, for fear of hurting you? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone where there is this elephant in the room that you see, an elephant that stands in the way of the two of you being open and vulnerable and authentic with each other?

    My guess is that you probably would not. And if your wife cares about you as much as you care about her, she would likely want the same.

    And that's a byproduct of your own wounds and traumas. Somewhere, very early in life, you learned that your needs don't matter, and that everyone else comes before you, that you don't deserve t be heard, understood, and your needs met.

    Now, I'm not suggesting that you go and tell her tomorrow (or ever). What I am suggesting is that your needs matter. You deserve to be heard and understood in full. For that matter, you deserve to be loved by someone that you can love back as much as they love you (and your wife deserves the same.)

    So the question is, with the above in mind, what do you want?[/quote][/QUOTE]
     
    #10 Chip, Nov 16, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2021