Hi everyone, I’m a 39 year-old female and earlier this year, I finally admitted to myself that I’m bisexual and that I like women. I’m single and live with mum and dad (mum doesn’t keep well mentally and physically). I can’t confide in anyone or tell my family and friends that I’m bi because being Muslims, I know they will never accept or understand the fact that I like women. I’ve come out to myself but unfortunately, to the outside world, I will need to stay in the closet. My only worry is that it will get harder and harder to manage my feelings as time goes on.
Hi Beeda! I can relate to you. I'm not a muslim, but I live in a very conservative country and live at home as well, where I help out my parents who have disability. They honour traditional family values. I have come out to just my good friend and that was the hardest thing to do, luckily she accepted me, but I do feel that she don't like it. I also worry that keeping a secret like this, will eventually get harder. I just live day by day for now and prepare for the time I do decide to come out. No matter what the reactions will be, even though I hope that maybe they won't hate me. I hope I wont freeze up, when it's time to talk about it to them. Maybe there is a hobby you can invest some time in to take your mind off of things. Is there maybe a way for you to see a therapist? Just so you could talk to someone about your feelings. I do understand how it's not always possible to come out, so that's why I'm suggesting these ideas.
Hi Rayland Thank you for your kind message. When I weigh it all up, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s better for me if I keep it a secret. But I’m hoping that, someday, a time will come that I can come out to my family and friends. I am doing a course at Uni, and when I’m deep in my studies, it does help to take my mind off things. I’m also going to start playing chess because the game has fascinated me for a long time. So I’m hoping that will help as well. Right now, I think the most important thing for me is not to let my feelings consume me or get angry whereby I start hating myself and my family. I’m also open to seeing a therapist if it does get too much or speaking to someone personally from a LGBT+ charity. But I’m glad to say that being here, is already helping me
The good news is, a therapist is required to keep your secrets. So, it’s a safe space to talk it through with someone in person. I grew up fundamentalist Christian (in a very homophobic community), and given the amount of hate you likely grew up listening to essentially about yourself….I will tell you that my current therapist told me that it’s virtually impossible to grow up queer in that kind of environment and not walk away with depression and/or anxiety issues. More than likely, therapy would be a good idea.
Hello, @Beeda! I'm sorry you're facing this predicament. Coming out can be difficult even under the best conditions, but when you come from a family that isn't open/accepting to same-sex attraction, it's a lot more troublesome. I think the first thing is: do you know for certain they wouldn't understand or accept it? Religious affiliation aside, have they made any comments past or present that have indicated their feelings on the matter? Sometimes, family can really surprise you by being more accepting of you than they would be of someone else in the same situation. Parents especially can set aside their prejudices in order to maintain a healthy relationship with their children. That said, there are many occurrences where this is not the case, so your fears are not unfounded. If it's not safe for you to come out (at least, as long as you're living with them), then sadly it's in your best interest to keep it from them. When I say "not safe", what I mean is if there's a chance they will become abusive, kick you out, or anything of that nature. If you're unsure of how badly they might react, better to play it safe. If, however, you living with them is necessitated out of their need for you to look after your mother and they aren't or haven't exhibited abusive behaviour towards you, it might be plausible to come out to them with time. If you live with them due to financial dependence, then you might need to wait until after you've gained financial dependency and moved out.
Hi @BiGemini87 Thank you for your message. To answer your question: yes, I know for certain they won’t understand or accept my sexuality. I agree with you that with many cases, parents have developed the capacity to abandon their prejudices and accept their children’s sexuality but unfortunately for me, I don’t see it happening. Even though my parents and siblings are tolerant enough towards queer people, they have made it clear they don’t agree with homosexuality or same-sex relationships because it goes against Islam - especially mum. And it’s mum I worry about the most, she’s got clinical depression and has harmed herself in the past and also threatened to overdose on many occasions. So for me to come out will affect her the most and mainly why I’ve decided it’s better if I keep my sexuality a secret….for the time being at least. I know they won’t do anything to harm me but I know that if they found out I like women, they will try to change my mind. Knowing mum, she will tell my uncle (her brother) so that he can try to talk some sense into me. I’ve come too far to suppress that side of me again. (If you like, you can read my story under ‘sexual orientation’). I’m actually inwardly very happy to finally acknowledge that I’m bisexual and don’t want it to be invalidated by them, whereby, I start questioning myself again. I do want to come out to my immediate family but, considering all things, I think it’s better if I do it when I feel the time is right.
I see. It's unfortunate that you can't be honest with them, especially considering you've reached a healthy place wherein you're happy and accepting of yourself. It sounds like it would be a lot more hassle than not to have them know, yet it's a catch-22 when you're tired of hiding who you are. I think, ultimately, what it comes down to is this: you are not responsible for how you being bisexual makes them feel. You're not responsible for their agitation, for your mother's depression, for their disapproval--in fact, coming out isn't about requiring anyone's approval whatsoever. It's about being honest with yourself and those around you for the sole purpose of being as open about yourself as possible. Your mother's health concerns and depression are worrying, but you can't be held accountable for how she might react. In fact, if coming out is something that will get her started on threatening self-harm again, then that strikes me as particularly manipulative and abusive. Moreover, doesn't self-harm go against her very belief in Islam? I think, if you ever tell her or she finds out, this would be a strong basis for an argument. She can't accuse you of wrong-doing yet ignore her own wrongs in the matter, right? I know it's easier said than done, though. If you come out, it should be at a time of your choosing and only when you're ready. Make whatever preparations you need to beforehand, so that you'll be ready for whatever arguments they might make against it.
I agree, I believe I need to be on a stronger ground, mentally and physically, to come out to my family. You’re right about mum, I’ve also wondered why she would even think about overdosing when it goes against Islam but unfortunately, when she’s deep in depression, she can do and say a lot of things that are not only hurtful to herself but us as well. You’re also right, that I shouldn’t hold myself responsible but sometimes you can’t help it and I know that if anything happens, my family will blame me. They will argue why I felt the need to disclose my sexuality in the first place knowing what it would do to mum. I guess I’m scared as well. But I know I can’t keep it a secret forever, so yeah, I do need to prepare myself. I really do first want to finish my Open Uni history course and get a job in that field - something I know I will love doing and buy a house. It means I will have that independence and confidence to meet the challenge of coming out.
Again…can’t recommend therapy enough. Especially as you get closer to time. A therapist can help you prepare mentally and work through how to talk to your parents about it in the safest way possible. Help you game it out.
Yes, I’m definitely not ruling out talking to a therapist. I’m also considering getting in touch with a leading Muslim LGBTQIA+ charity in the UK and talking to one of their advisors.
Since I have responded to your other topic at length, I am not going to post the same things again here. However, I will add that, if you do plan to come out some day in the future (which I am pretty sure you do want), then going very deep in the closet is going to make it even more difficult for you to come out in the future. If you pretend to be 100% straight, showcase your straightness by engaging in relationship with men etc, then trust me, when you come out in the future, people will have an even harder time believing you. Instead, drop subtle hints about your bisexuality. Say you find women very appealing, you feel they are more beautiful than men, that you feel more comfortable staying with a woman than a man (as companion/friend, don't mention anything to do with sex). Keep the conversation about homosexuality open -- showcase your support and try to stir them into the discussion. I understand that coming out is not easy, but trust me, the further you pretend to be straight, the deeper in the closet you will get and the more difficult it will be for you to come out in the future. For that reason, I never pretended to be straight. Sure I never implied I am gay, but I made it clear I am not interested in getting a girlfriend, or marriage (at least now). A lot of gay guys pretend to have a girlfriend etc, then when later they come out, it's a lot more difficult for people to take as people would view him as straight. In my case, I keep an ambiguous neutral ground, so I should come out to society one day, it should not be as much a shocker. So keep the conversation about LGBT in the open. Showcase your family some LGBT movie, try to get some discussions done, see if you can make them more open to it before coming out. However, looking at your situation, I guess you cannot come out right now. So take your time.
