I’m 64, a guy who has had a handful of relationships with women and has played a few times with men. Through shyness, anxiety and shame, I’ve only acted on my male urges through personal ads. I’ve considered going to a gay bar in a big city an hour and a half away to see what it’s like to be in a place with others who have the same leanings. I’m concerned that I’ll stand out as a newbie…and a little that I’ll react like I’m in that bar in the first Star Wars movie! Sensible idea? I’m open to advice besides taking an extra Paxil before going.
In my humble opinion, being honest about only recently "dipping in a toe" into the community/openly exploring your attraction to men is best. It's completely ok to be nervous because that's a big personal step. When I told my friends I'm bi I thought I was gonna either pass out or puke, it was the first time I'd told another living soul. Just take deep breaths and know you're about to meet people like you- that's what you're there to do. Good luck out there!
Ipswichfan.....I know very well how you feel. When I made my first trip to a gay bar, I hadn't been in any kind of a bar since I was in college. When I went to that bar I had been out to myself, out here on EC, out to my therapist and out to only two other people. One of the guys that I was out to went with me for moral support. I came out when I was 64...I was about 66 at the time! So you are two years ahead of me! The people at the bar were really great and when they found out that it was my first time, they went overboard being nice to me. I had several guys come up to me and offered to give me my "first" gay kiss. I had several "first" kisses that night! I think you'll have a good time. If you have someone that can go with you it would make the night easier, but if you let everybody (just tell the bartender) that it's your very first time, it will be a good night! .....David
It's completely normal and natural to be nervous. You're considering exploring personally uncharted waters, and that takes a lot of guts. If anyone recognizes you as a newbie, I have a feeling they will be incredibly welcoming. Try not to worry too much and have a good time in the hear and now.
It's totally natural to have anxiety. The first time I went in a gay bar was actually for business (long story), back before I was out to much of anyone, so I was neither looking for anyone nor wanting anyone to pay attention to me. But it was still incredibly nerve-wracking. ... and taking an extra Paxil won't have any meaningful effect. SSRI class antidepressants don't work in a way that taking an extra dose will do anything that you'd be able to notice.
The first itme I went to a gay bar I was in my early 30's. I shook so bad walking to the door that I could barely step through the door. I was deep in the closet and didn't really start my comming out journey untill I was 46. I'm guessing you are in a kind of rural area and the big city is going to be so different. Hold your chin up and go for it. Be yourself, don't let anymore time go by be you!
My first time I arrived in the parkinglot. Got out of my car drew in a big breath thinking to myself I can't believe I am going to do this. I went in looked around and saw nothing but women. I walked to the bar order a drink and spoke with the bartender only to find out it was a lesbian bar. We chatted told me where the men were whils I finished my drink. She wished me good luck.
If there are any LGBTQ support groups or community centres close to where you live it might be an idea to make contact with them first. They will understand that feeling of anxiety really well and could even arrange for someone to meet you beforehand so you are not walking in completely on your own and being left to it. The main reason for the anxiety is because you have not embraced the idea (yet) that you are a full member of the LGBT community, entering the bar on equal terms with everyone else there. Once you accept your place within the LGBT community it's a lot less daunting to walk into a gay bar.
I know this isn't at all typical but 30 years later I still have friends I met the first time I went to a gay bar. You never know what might happen.
