Once you know do you still question yourself sometimes?

If your family was worth having, they would understand and let you be yourself without trying to force you into a metaphorical box.

 

I can relate. I'm currently out to most of my friends but not out to work or to my stepson. Without going into too much detail I am in legal jeopardy at the moment and if I were to be outed I could stand to lose absolutely everything. For the next few months at least I have to be patient and just remember my long term goal: to live as a fully transitioned trans woman.

Tiny werewolf, I'm guessing you're young, right? Just think of this as a short term compromise. It doesn't change who you are in your heart. Do you have friends who you are out to with whom you can be yourself? That has really helped in my case.

 

I feel so sorry for you to hear you are in this position. It is certainly possible to have doubts later and wonder whether you are trans at all. I’ve gone through this stage several times. I also re-closeted myself for five weeks to avoid fights with my transphobic family while attending a family wedding. This was a huge mistake. Not only did I end up having a fight with my mother anyway but, worse than that, it’s taken me two years to shake that off and try and undo the psychological damage done both by her and by re-closeting myself. I will not be doing that again. It’s simply not worth it. I do have the advantage of living a long way away from them, though and it sounds like that’s not the case for you. Are there any safe spaces you can get to where you can present as and be your authentic self without compromising your safety while around your family, or ways in which you can have a more subtle expression of your masculinity that make you feel right without raising suspicion?

 

Question myself? No. I've never identified with being female, even before I realized I could be trans...but question my next steps, yes. Unfortunately.

Being trans is something that I can't help, and wouldn't choose to if I could. But hormones, surgery, even deciding who needs to know how much about the situation and when...it can be a lot to handle. It's a huge thing...it changes everything.

Dealing with family can be the most difficult step. I'm very sorry that you've been re-closeted...it's the worst feeling in the world, once you've had a taste of gender affirmation! I finally came out to my parents once I moved out of the house, and when I had to move back in due to financial reasons, it was like I'd never said anything at all. It was awful...still is awful. It might not be the time to advocate for yourself, if it will put you in any danger, but don't shelve yourself away either. Do you have people in your life who you can be yourself around? I don't know what your situation is like, but for me, the thing that keeps me sane is getting out as much as possible with people who reaffirm me.

 

Any chance of getting out with them anyways? Like, if your parents don't like your friend, we'll call him Steve, do they need to know you're meeting up with Steve? Yes, what I'm suggesting is lying.

I didn't get my license until I was 23, and since I don't live in an urban area that made getting around more challenging. I hung out with friends with cars and dated men with cars. Once I was finally mobile, I got myself where I had to go...even when it involved some little white lies. I wasn't driving 40 minutes to go to a trans support meeting, I was going across town to get coffee, or meet someone my parents did know, or go to the library or something. I wasn't taking a trip to Philly to get information on medically transitioning, I was doing it to catch up with a friend I made there when I was in college.

Of course your ability to pull this kind of act off depends on the temperament and nosiness of your parents. But if you're in your young 20's, they really can't expect to police you forever. It also depends on your comfort with keeping things vague or secret. I only ever pulled out my little lies to cover up trans-related things when I needed to, before I was ready to come out...my parents never really had issues with me seeing anyone I saw, and if they did, they really couldn't stop me because I wasn't a child.

If you decide you need to go this route to meet your needs for affirmative socialization, realize that it does come with some risk of blowing up in your face. I'm definitely not suggesting you lie to your parents and do anything risky or dangerous. But just to like, hang out and play some video games or something with someone who respects you enough to gender you correctly? If they're going to try and prevent you, an adult, from doing that, they're being unreasonable, and foolish.

 

I know it hurts, but sometimes lying by omission is what we have to do for a while. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at home.

Personally, I don't like having to lie. That's the gross irony of all of this, situations like ours - people want to point the finger at us, at our friends, for lying and filling our heads with lies when the truth is that we're being honest about things for the first time in our lives! It's frustrating to explain that though.

 

Clockworkfox says some wise words here, Tinywerewolf. I think all of us end up having to use subterfuge of some kind, whether that's making up stories of where you've been or omitting information about ourselves over a long period of time.

Sure, I agree with being completely honest as much as I can be, but strict adherence to that sort of policy may well end up rebounding on yourself. Ultimately, you have to do what you must to protect your own mental health and if that involves some little white lies to loved ones, then so be it.

 

It took quite a long time to accept myself but now I don't question it, what has taken its place is frustration towards closed-minded, quarter of a brain cell morons that inhabit this world that can't just leave us alone

 

You don't need to be guity for who you are and also towards your Catholic school just tell them at God made you this way, if they don't like it then they should contact technical support.