Looking for a relationship and feeling used by other guys

Hi, and welcome to EC. It's got to be difficult to continually have that experience when you're hoping to develop a longer-term relationship.

A significant part of the problem is likely that you are dating 19-23 year olds. With an age gap that large, at that age, it's going to be hard to hold on to anyone who is emotionally healthy . The majority of 19-23 year olds who are dating older guys are either (1) unconsciously working out issues they had with their father, (2) looking for someone to take care of them, or (3) looking for a sugar daddy. Those who are not are unlikely to stay in a long-term relationship with someone 10 years their elder.

Additionally, if you're looking for relationships in clubs, you're also pretty unlikely to find a healthy relationship there. The environment is for people to let loose, have fun, maybe find a hookup. It is not a place where people who are seeking healthy relationships generally look.

So this may be a large part of the problem, which could be solved by changing how and where you interact. The clubs are definitely low-hanging fruit, so it's about the least effort required to find someone (short of hookup apps, which have the same problem, often worse) and the results are pretty much exactly what you'd expect for something that requires the least effort.

This isn't to say that good relationships don't occasionally come out of those situations, but it isn't common, and most folks figure that out after a dozen or so failed relationships that started in those settings.

A healthy relationship is built on common activities, beliefs, values... something you won't really have a chance to get any indication about at a club. So one place to start might be looking at opportunities to meet gay guys interested in the same sorts of things you are. If you're in a reasonably sized metro area, meetup.com usually has a bunch of different groups for gay men with various interests, from choir to kickball, movie nights to hiking, dinner parties... pool parties (probably not in winter!) and the like.

You might also check to see if there's an LGBT center in your area that has social activities and groups. In some areas, these are hubs of social activity where you can meet other folks.

And finally, doing some sort of volunteer service (if that's something you enjoy) that attracts other gay men, such as helping out with Pride events or other LGBT-sponsored programs can be a great way to meet people as well.

 

The interesting thing here is, I'm not so much talking about folks looking for "daddys." That's a different crowd and dynamic that has its own set of issues. While you may be youthful in appearance, there's a certain amount of life experience and stability that often comes with being a few years older. Guys who didn't have the best relationship with their fathers (or who otherwise came from unstable home environments) will often unconsciously seek out folks that put off this vibe of being more stable, even if they don't necessarily look older. This is a sort of subtle thing that's below conscious awareness, but it seems to happen a lot.

And... these are the people who, as much as they might say that they want a stable relationship (and probably believe they do), when they get into something that starts to seem stable... their tendency may be to run, because, again unconsciously, their own "not good enough" gets in the way and they believe they aren't worthy. On a conscious level, this can mean that they act out by cheating, or picking arguments, or doing things that cause the relationship to end before the other person has a chance to break up with them. It's an unconscious means of control for people who don't believe they're worthy. (And, of course, these can also be the folks that put on the best show of being "too good" for anyone, because that's covering up the "not good enough" fear.)

The problem is, the clubs tend to be just a shitty place to find meaningful, long-term relationships. Like the hookup apps, people are there for a good time... or if they are there looking for Mr. Right, they are typically coming with a lot of baggage. Club culture tends to be very judgmental and shallow, and so a significant portion of the crowd there are exactly that. And if you think about it... the "good looking guys" that are coming after you, because you are good looking... well, they're not seeking you out because of your personality, intelligence, kindness, or anything else. So that's where their mind is at, and thus, it is probably not even occurring to them to think about the other things. Hence why you keep getting your heart broken.

Of *all* of the gay men I know who are in what I'd describe as longer term, emotionally healthy relationships, I know almost none who met their partners at clubs. I'm sitting here trying to think, and I don't think I can think of a single couple that met in a club... or on a hookup app. Sure, the exceptions exist, but if you genuinely want a healthy relationship, I'd look elsewhere. And I'd go to the club with the intent of simply having a good time, maybe finding a guy for a hookup, and simply not expecting any more. (Not the easiest to do, but if we're being realistic and pragmatic, that's pretty much what ya gotta do.)

 

And you're the exception I mentioned above that proves the rule. But on the whole, the rule is pretty accurate.

This part is true.

Except that it isn't. When you read the studies that have looked at age-gap relationships, overwhelmingly, you see the patterns, behaviors, and experiences that are consistent with what we see with people who have had difficult or absent relationships with male caregiving parents.

Totally agree with this. There are younger guys who are ready to "settle down", and they are probably about as common as healthy relationships coming out of the bar/club/hookup app scene.

 

For the folks that have worthiness issues, no amount of telling them they are worthy (or anything else) is going to change their self-perception until they are ready to do their own self-work.

I guess it depends on the person. If looks are the main thing one is focused on, then looks are the first thing you consider when selecting a partner. But many other people, as I said in an earlier post, select for other things... eye contact, behavior, how they carry themselves, what energy or vibe they give off. And those are a lot more reliable indicator of compatibility than looks. They are also things that are really difficult to accurately determine in a club or bar setting.

The folks who disappear are exactly the folks I was descibing: on the surface, they may say and act like they want a relationship, but at the unconscious level, it isn't what they really want... or, more precisely, they do, but if they start to feel it, that feeling is scary, and they run away. You might want to watch the movie "Latter Days" to see an example of (a more extreme version of) what this can look like.