"Why don't you get married / don't you have a girlfriened"

So when asked "Why I am not getting married" or "why I don't have a girlfriend". How am I supposed to respond? Especially to old generation family members, or conservative people around here.

To give people my background: I am a 28 years old gay man living in Canada. I have lived in my home country for about 25 or so years before moving to Canada. I come from a deeply religious and conservative Muslim family as well as country. Though I am out to my immediate family members and they have been pretty accepting of me, I am obviously not out to my extended family members (don't plan to either), or to my class mates or people back home.

However as someone nearly approaching 30, I get asked "Why don't you get married", "Why don't you have a girlfriend yet", "Do you like any girl" type questions a lot. I feel very uneasy when the topic of my marriage or girlfriend comes up. While I am not out to people in Canada either, I can at least come out to some of them if needed. However coming out to my extended family (aunts, uncles and so many distant relatives) is impossible. So whenever anyone asks, I say "I am not ready for marriage. I like to stay alone and live an independent life. So will marry when I feel the need." However, that still doesn't stop people from gossiping about me.

Even though I stay abroad, I am very close to my extended family back home and do have contact with them through zoom chats and whatnot. The culture back home was different to people in the west have; we lived in a joint family with several family members, and marriage is a much bigger deal for Muslim / South-Asian people than it is here in the west. Lots of people in the west do not get married, they can stay single, or have live-in relationships etc. It is very different in our community where I come from. Though I live in Canada, I still have a large number of Muslims and SouthAsian people around me asking about my marriage and whatnot.

This is a serious question. I need to know how to respond to these questions. I will never pretend to be straight and act like I have a girlfriend. But at the same time, I can't come out to whole extended family etc. So how do I respond?

P.S. Don't know where this thread belongs. So feel free to move it to the right section if needed.

 

Well I say: "I am not ready for marriage. I like to stay alone and live an independent life. So will marry when I feel the need. You don't need to bring proposals for me." This works for the most part. Most of my family members are not the 'pushing' types, but they do want the best of me, and marriage is a big part of life (moreso for people from my culture). They do want to know why I am not willing to settle down, and it's difficult to explain it to them.

And also "Why don't you have a girlfriend" to people in Canada. Again difficult to explain it to them since I am not out to most people.

 

I can come out to people in Canada (well, I can't do it right away but I can, given enough time), but I can't come out to extended family members. There are many who live in Canada, and trust me, most of them do not even understand gay/lesbian issue.

 

First, thank you everyone for responding.

Unfortunately it's a very common thing in my culture/place where I come from (a South Asian Muslim major country). Thankfully my immediate family members are not like that (and I am out to them anyway), but I do have distant relatives who are like that. Luckily I don't have to listen to them or obey them, but still it's a difficult situation to explain when I am in a family gathering or something.

I understand and I don't plan to stay in the closet forever, which is probably why I went abroad in the first place (though I am back in my home country now for a short while but I will be going back shortly). I mean, once I didn't think I could come out to my parents either; they are fundamentalist Muslims, they didn't even understand what 'gay' or 'lesbian' means properly, and yet I managed to come out to them and despite their background, they have been very accepting of me. So I suppose people in Canada should be even more LGBT friendly (well most are), and it's time I slowly start to come out to them. I guess I cannot come out to older extended family members, but it's not needed either as I do not live on their expense. Thanks.

I understand what you are saying and I completely agree with you. Even if I was straight, I doubt I'd be up for marriage right now -- and certainly not on anyone else's preference. I am very introverted and independent, and like to live my life in my own terms. I don't even have a close friend in my life, so I doubt I'd have a girlfriend (even if I was straight) considering I barely talk/mix with people.

So I will say just that: "I prefer living alone and independently, so I am not thinking of having a girlfriend or wife at this moment. And if I do have one later, I will decide that and I don't want anyone else interfering with it. So please do not ask me for marriage/girlfriend as I am happy being single, and if I feel the need to settle down, I will do that in my terms."

And no I don't want children and your post resonated with me as you said you come from a religious fundamentalist family too.