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He is expressing more and more desire for BDSM

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Jared J, Oct 27, 2021.

  1. Jared J

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    I was an acquaintance with the guy I am dating now, he asked me if he could experiment with gay sex with me, so we hooked up for the first time a few months ago and have been having sex a few times a week since and date a bit.

    The sex was originally quite vanilla, I'd give him a blowjob and he'd top me. Pretty standard stuff by my standards, but I consider myself a submissive person yet vanilla. But over the past 2 weeks he is trying to do more things: watersports, spanking, wanting to tie me up, he bought a massive dildo to stick in me... I am not entirely against this stuff but don't have a voice to tell him I am really only going along with it for his pleasure. I am somewhat submissive so its not like I get zero enjoyment out of it, but a 14 inch dildo? Seriously? How do I strengthen my voice to tell him I am not really into this stuff?
     
  2. Rayland

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    Maybe you could try and write him a letter about how you feel? Sometimes it's hard to say your feelings out loud, then the next thing would be to express it in some other way, like a letter, text message (if you're comfortable with that). It's not good suffer through it either, if you don't enjoy it yourself.
     
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  3. tidalpool127

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    I haven't been in a bdsm relationship ever but I'm kind of submissive too. Maybe not whips and stuff because I'm a wuss when it comes to pain but I do like when a man takes charge. But you can't just stick a 14 inch dildo in anybody, even size queens would have to train to do that. I would just tell him(not during sex) that you don't want him to hurt you. If he cares about you at all, that's pretty reasonable. If he's willing to hurt you to get off, idk man, I dabbled in some of this domination stuff when I was young but I personally was in a very, very bad place. Let people do things I shouldn't have because I hated myself for being gay and was strung out. If he continues to press after you say you don't want some of that stuff, I personally would be scared to be in a dom/sub relationship with him.
     
  4. quebec

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    Jared J.....I like what @Rayland said about a letter. I've often suggested a letter to people who wanted to come out to their parents when they thought it wouldn't go well. A letter lets you say what you want to say without the face-to-face confrontation that can get heated. It also gives the other person some time to think about what you've said before they need to reply. Give it a thought...I think it's a good idea! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  5. Chip

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    If you are unable to say it in person, then a letter or email or text is a good idea. But the key is to directly ask for your needs. There's a huge difference between "Would you be OK with sticking with more vanilla sex" and "I'm not comfortable with the direction things are going and need to stick to more vanilla sex." One is weakly and sort of half-assedly asking the other person if it isn't too much of an inconvenience to do _________. The other is directly asking for your needs. That may be hard... but it is also necessary.
     
  6. Aspen

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    I know this can be difficult in reality, but I'm a firm believer in the idea that if you can't talk to someone about sex, then you shouldn't be having sex with that person. Communication is key in relationships and it's important that sex is enjoyable for both of you. It's okay to try something if you're not sure you'll be into it but you want to give it a shot anyway, but you shouldn't have to do anything that you genuinely don't want to be doing just because it's what someone else wants.
     
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  7. BiGemini87

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    The only way to do it is to do it. When it comes to any kind of relationship, boundaries are completely healthy and normal. If you're not ready/don't want to engage in particular activities or use specific toys, you have every right to say so. Consent is so, so important in all matters, and I'm sure he'd much rather you be honest with him so that you can do things you both enjoy than hide the truth just to keep him happy. :slight_smile:
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    It's important to differentiate between sexual submissiveness and being entirely passive. Sexual submissiveness is a turn on for many gay and bisexual men, but that's not to say they are without boundaries altogether. Even in BDSM relationships there needs to be a clear understanding of boundaries and when no really does mean no, because life isn't a hardcore porn scene.

    Writing a letter or email is okay, but I would suggest only as a conversation opener. On some level, you need to find a way of having an honest conversation about where your boundaries lie. It's important for you and it's important for him actually. If someone doesn't understand a sexual partners boundaries they leave themselves wide open to allegations of assault or rape.
     
  9. Jared J

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    As much as I like the passive aggressive idea of writing a letter; it suits my shyness and lack of assertion just perfectly, I did feel it makes a stronger statement to address these issues in person, face to face. Which is what we did.

    His 14 inch dildo arrived on friday by the way and he claimed he had no idea it was that big... as for BDSM sex, I told him I am not really into it, but if it really makes him happy I would try a few things. I had a few ground rules though: it has to give him pleasure, there can't be any joy in seeing me in pain and if he wants to control me in bed then we have to have a safe word and just something I can say which makes it stop.

    We had regular sex after. It was actually nice. Just sex, nothing else.
     
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  10. BiGemini87

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    This is a relief to hear. I'm glad you asserted yourself and in-person, besides. :slight_smile: It sounds like you've established some important boundaries and best of all, that he's respecting them.