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Can't tell if I'm a lesbian

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ditch123, Oct 12, 2021.

  1. Ditch123

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    Happy national coming out day a day late! And on that note, I think I might be a lesbian. The only thing is, I don't know for sure and I am currently dating a guy.

    I always new I liked women, but thought I was bi. But recently, the more I think about it the more I feel a relationship with a woman would be so much more fulfilling. Everytime I picture myself getting married its to a woman. And I read the lesbian master doc and feel like so much of that applies to me.

    But I'm currently in a 4 year relationship with a man. We started dating when we were 17 and I never really had the chance to explore my sexuality before we started dating and I grew up in a pretty homophobic household. I care about him so much and he's my best friend, but I don't get the same feelings around him that I do when I think about being with a woman. But I also don't know if it's worth breaking up and exploring more because I do care for him. But I'm just stuck on what to do and feel very stuck in my life.

    Do you guys have any advice?
     
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  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC.

    I am sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. There is often no completely pain free path through these situations.
    It sounds as though you are sure you like women which is a good start. It is certainly harder when you are in a relationship. How do you feel about your relationship, it is clear you care about your boyfriend but are you attracted to him? Do you love him?
     
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  3. Ditch123

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    I don't feel attracted to him sexually at all. To be completely honest I think about women when we do anything and I feel so guilty I end up crying after. I care about him emotionally and he's my best friend, but I can't tell if what I'm feeling is love anymore, or if it ever was. But I also know I will completely lose him in my life if I act on what I'm feeling and we break up. And I'm not even sure what I'm feeling most of the time. And honestly I'm scared.
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Ditch123 and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I’m sorry that you’re in this difficult situation. I’ve been in a fairly similar situation myself and it’s ok to be scared. I was terrified of making any changes, but on reflection, I wish that I had acted sooner.

    Whilst you do care for your boyfriend, you don’t sound happy and that will likely get harder to cope with as time goes on, rather than easier. I know that was my experience. Living a pretence is incredibly draining, as you probably have already realised.

    Do you feel that this is something that you could talk to your boyfriend about? Nobody can predict how your boyfriend will react, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a guarantee that you will lose him from your life completely. How do you think he will react?

    Change is scary. Take your time to think things through and consider what’s best for both of you in the long term.
     
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  5. silverhalo

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    Ultimately only you can make the decision of what to do but I think from reading stories on EC it is very unlikely that if you are feeling this now staying with him long term is going to make the situation better. What you both deserve is to be with someone you love, are attracted to and that returns what you feel for them. It is not really fair on either of you if that isnt the case. It is hard to imagine being without him I am sure but if you stay together and say buy a house or get married or have children this does nothing but further complicate the situation.

    If you do some searches on EC I am sure you will find lots of stories like your own perhaps reading some of those can help you figure things out.
    You dont have to make any sudden decisions and we are here to help you along the way,
     
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  6. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @Ditch123. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. @LostInDaydreams and @silverhalo have given some very good advice and insight already, and I'm inclined to agree; however scary change is, it's better to start as soon as you're sure about your feelings than to drag it out. That being said, you don't want to rush a decision without the certainty that it's the right one.

    You sound like a kind person, which is probably why this is so hard on you. You care about your bf, care about his feelings and don't want to hurt him. This is admirable--but hurt will come, either way. If the relationship continues predicated on a lie, he's bound to start taking notice of things. And though it wouldn't be fair to either of you and wouldn't be anyone's fault, you both might wind up resenting each other over all the unsaid things between you.

    I think the best thing you can do is 1) Give yourself time to sort everything out, and 2) When this is done and if you're 100% certain the feelings for your boyfriend are not of a romantic nature, sit down and have a talk with him. Be open and honest, and make sure he knows this isn't coming out of nowhere; lay all of the cards out so that there can be no doubt about what you're feeling and what you've been experiencing for all this time. It's going to hurt, you as well as him, but it's necessary. Change is oftentimes painful and frightening--but so too is regret.

    Whatever happens and when, I wish you the best of luck. If there's anything you need, my PMs are open. <3
     
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  7. Warrior999

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    You could be a biromantic lesbian. It means you are romantically attracted to both men and women (as you do like your significant other romantically). But as you mention, sexually you can only ever imagine yourself with a woman - so you are a lesbian. Check up "biromntic lesbian" in google.

    I think I am biromantic gay. Because while I can find myself emotionally connected with both men and women, I can only ever imagine myself sexually with men. Women do not arouse me sexually. Though romantically too I lean towards men.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Just to note, there’s no evidence to support the idea that romantic and sexual orientation can be separated. The emotional connection being experienced would be more like a close or intimate friendship.

    @Ditch123 This is not to minimise the connection that you have with your boyfriend. I’m sure that you have shared a lot over the last four years and are very close. We’ve had lots of EC members in heterosexual relationships describe similar feelings about their partners, and it is very difficult to contemplate doing something that will hurt that person. It’s not easy, so as suggested earlier in the thread, take your time to examine what’s going on and then think about what would be best for both of you.
     
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