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Straight friend curious, or leading me on??

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jaceimpson, Oct 7, 2021.

  1. Jaceimpson

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    Hi, so I have a friend that I have been really good friends with for around 3 years now. I’m gay, (known but I haven’t confirmed it) and he is straight, with a wife and children. Anyway, we have a really good bond, like really good. Everyone comments on how we are like husbands and tbh I do sense that. We flirt, all the time, he used to always grab me and always went out of his way to make me laugh. Recently he has had me over at his house for work, like all the time, however I notice a complete change in him whenever his wife and other friends are around. He’s not homophobic, but will say homophobic things around these people, it’s as though his trying to reassure everyone he is not gay. I’m developing strong feelings for him, however feel real guilt about his wife. I have also developed somewhat of a friendship with his wife, but I feel she knows we have something going on. I feel incredible guilt for even having feelings for him, but I’m human, I can’t control who I love. When we look at each others in the eyes, I have that feeling, I hope y’all know what I mean, it’s a gaze into each others eyes. An unspoken flirtation if you will

    although, in the last 3 weeks, he has been incredibly distant with me around others, like incredibly, distant. but when we’re alone his normal again. He can even be a little mean around others and we tend to argue and fight over that?
    The point of this post is to get an insight into other people opinions on my situation and see what they have to say? Would you say he was reluctantly curious about me? Or just likes the attention I give him? I know he isn’t I love with me. I’m going insane. Thankyou very much
     
  2. Unsure77

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    Even if he is bi or gay, it seems like his wife would need to be on board with opening their relationship up, or else you’re really screwing with his and his family’s life in a substantial way. It would probably be better to find someone else unless you and he are enthusiastically willing to navigate all that. You’re talking about something that could basically turn his life upside down (between his marriage and his kids).
     
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  3. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @Jaceimpson! I can't say for sure (as I don't know your friend), but I do get the feeling he's overcompensating. The fact that he's going out of his way to say homophobic things around others, is a bit antagonistic with you, etc. suggests he's dealing with something on the internal front. Likely he does feel some sort of attraction to you, and if he does, it's new ground, frightens him, and likely a level of disgust at himself for having these feelings/urges. Or maybe he does like the attention he's getting from you--but if he likes it, I have a hard time believing he's 100% straight. Straight men tend not to like having that kind of attention from other men, even if they're not homophobic.

    That's just my two cents, though. I know it might cause a rift, but you might need to talk to him about this the next time it's just you. I know it might be frustrating to do so during one of the few times you guys get along well, but if your friendship really means anything to him, he'll hear what you have to say.

    Does he know you're gay, by the way? And if you haven't told him, do you think he's been picking up on it? As for his family... Well, it's probably best not to encourage anything between you, though I'm sure that could be another source of his shift in attitude. Likely he's feeling guilty, if he is experiencing a mutual attraction.
     
    #3 BiGemini87, Oct 7, 2021
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  4. tidalpool127

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    Look, I'm not trying to lecture you but in short no matter what his sexuality is it doesn't change the fact he is married with children. These are dangerous waters, friend. I'm not saying you have to have the same moral opinion on such things as I do, you're free to think and do whatever you want. But this will almost certainly be a bumpy ride if you wish to go further with him.
     
    #4 tidalpool127, Oct 7, 2021
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  5. Jaceimpson

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    Thanks you both so much for your input. Appreciate it so much. If I had a choice in my feelings I would disregard them instantly, I by no means want to get in the middle of a family, however, it kind of just happened. I can’t take away my feelings,
     
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  6. Jaceimpson

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    That’s
    thankyou, I have the same opinion as you, however I can’t control my emotions either.
     
  7. tidalpool127

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    I realize that. Not trying to admonish for having a crush, that happens. I'm just saying that it's a sensitive situation. Wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. Sorry if I sounded too harsh.
     
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  8. Chip

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    Well, to be really blunt:

    a. It's highly likely that he is struggling with his sexual identity. He probably has feelings for you.
    b. It would absolutely, positively be appallingly inappropriate, and would likely destroy your friendship with his wife as well as him, to do anything to act on it.
    c. Saying "I can't control my emotions" is, frankly, bullshit. You're an adult, and if you have any integrity whatsoever, you will control your emotions.

    One of the sucky things about being an adult is having to act like one. And mature adults don't simply do whatever and then use the excuse "well, I con't control my emotions." You can, you just don't want to. If you were having these feelings for your boss, your boss's husband, your brother, or someone else... you'd control the feelings. At least, I'd hope you would.

    So the reality is, you gotta cool this down. Or you could take the risk and have a heart-to-heart with him and ask him if he's confused. But that's risky; if he isn't ready to acknowledge it, and thinks he's doing a good job of hiding it (many closeted guys erroneously think that nobody can figure them out), then you may severely damage your friendship with him. And even if he is ready to acknowledge that he's feeling something and isn't straight, then there's another whole complicated mess to work through. Before you can even think of having anything physical with him, he and his wife need to talk. It would be incredibly out of integrity to be a party to his cheating on her, even if that's what he wants; you wouldn't want someone doing that to you if you were his wife.

    So it's complicated and difficult, and this is one of those places where you really need to own up to your responsibilities as the friend of both of them, and model the integrity and authenticity that they need and deserve right now.
     
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  9. Unsure77

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    You may not be able to change your feelings, but you absolutely have the ability to change your actions. And, the reality is that sometimes if you love something, you have to let it go.

    The reality is that you pursuing this man has a low probability of a positive outcome. More than likely one of two things would happen. Either he and his wife would be upset at you for pursuing him (disregarding the marriage and family) and you lose the friendship altogether. Or, if he is interested, you risk ruining his marriage and/or his relationship with his children. You also risk outing him when he’s not ready.

    It’s vaguely possible he could be bi and she’s open to opening up their relationship and all could be right with the world. Or it’s vaguely possible he’s gay and was wanting to pursue this. But both sound difficult (or impossible) to pull off without either ruining his life or damaging or ending your friendship with one or both of them.

    If you care about him and want to continue to have a relationship with him at all, your better chance of success is to just be his friend and look for someone else who is enthusiastically available to pursue romance with. It’s not probable that your pursuing your friend is going to have a good outcome.
     
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  10. Jaceimpson

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    I

    I completely understand everything your saying. I can control my emotions do a degree, but to ignore my feelings is impossible. Reading your comment I completely agree though. Guess I will resort to distancing ourselves and looking in every other direction haha thankyou
     
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  11. Jaceimpson

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    I think you have hit the nail on the head, I agree with everything your say. Thanks for rationally understanding my position also
     
  12. Unsure77

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    I can't believe I'm suggesting this, but it may just partly doing things like following the "Billy Graham" rule. (aka. Not putting yourself into situations where you're alone with him). Make sure you always have either his wife, kids, or other friends there with you so you're not tempted to say or do something you may regret. That and maybe looking for someone else who's more clearly available to pursue romantically.
     
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  13. resu

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    While it is hard to accept when you have strong feelings for one person, we all are capable of loving different people. The more time you spend with this unavailable guy, the deeper you will be digging that hole and not seeing other potential matches. I agree with others that you may need to limit your contact with him.