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Anyone else who has never been in a relationship before?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by A girl, Oct 1, 2021.

  1. A girl

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    Hi!
    I am 21(and a half) years old, and I find that more and more of my friends are(or have been) in a relationship. I am really one of the only people my age that I know who has not reached that stage in my life yet. I have been in love (or so I think) a few times, but I have never told anyone. (I've only been in love with straight girls anyway, so I didn't see the point of telling them). I have not come out yet, and honestly, I don't know what I'm going to come out as, as I don't fully know whether I'm bi, pan, or something else. I only know that I fall in love with people's personalities and charismas. Until recently, I haven't really been wanting or missing to be in a relationship, but when I see how happy my friends are and how good that closeness seems, I've started to think more about it. That has led me to wonder if I'm some sort of a freak, since nobody has liked me in that way yet. I just can't imagine anyone wanting to be in a relationship with me:/ But I don't want to spend my life enirely alone! (Although I enjoy my own company)

    The point of this post is to ask if any of you have felt the same way as I do. Are there anyone who has never been in a relationship yet? Or am I really weird?

    Thank you so much for reading and replying! :slight_smile: Have a great day <3
     
  2. Rayland

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    I am 30 and never been in a relationship, there were opportunities, but I never tried to go for it. I was still trying to figure life out and just wasn't ready to be in a relationship and I was also too shy. Your friends are your friends and you don't need to be the same as them. Some never seek for a relationship, because they are happier by themselves. You are not a freak. Everything happens in it's own time and when you are ready for it.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I was 20 when I got into my first relationship, not that much earlier than you are now. She actively pursued me and we dated for about 3 months (no sex). Also, I regret most of my relationships. It is far better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Waiting for a decent person who can really care about you is worth it.

    Not a good way to find a relationship. Finding someone who might actually be available would be better.

    I also feel this way. The orientation label that I use is Demisexual.

    Nope, you are not a freak nor are you alone in this.

    This points to self esteem issues, maybe getting into therapy and working that out could help.

    21 is REALLY early in life to be worried about forever alone. This past year I married someone when I was 58 (I am 59 now).

    This is a good, keep it in mind.

    Start reaching out and making friends. When you are doing things that you enjoy with other people you automatically have something in common. Those friendships can develop into romantic relationships, it is how I met my husband.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    I'm not in your position anymore but I was up until my mid 20's so I totally get how you are feeling. It can be really difficult watching everyone around you be in relationships and have these opportunities. Not being out obviously makes it harder to find these opportunities. There is no rush to come out but is there something specific stopping you?
     
  5. A girl

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    Thank you so much for such nice replies!
    It really appreciate your advice and it helps to know that I'm not alone! Thank you so much! I always feel better after posting here. <3

    I know that there's no need to rush into relationships, and I would never do that (I think it seems terrifying!), but it would be nice to have some experience with those things and knowing that it's possible for others to like me in that way. If that makes sense. I'm also worried that those my age will have enormously more experience with relationships than I have and that they will find it uncomfortable that I'm so new to everything. What do you think about this?

    Silverhalo: There is no particular reason holding me back from coming out, I've been wanting to do it for 2-3 years, but I never seem to find the right time and confidence to do so. I know that most of the people I know and care about will be accepting and kind to me, so I don't understand why I never find the right time to do it. Maybe it is because I don't really know what to tell them, as I haven't found a label that I'm 100% comfortable with yet. Do you have any advice on this and on coming out in general? I really want to make progress with this! <3

    Again: Thank you so much for your kind replies! It means so much to me!
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I think the first step is often the hardest, or at least for me it was. It is like once you have told a real life person you cant take it back. It is like stepping past the point of no return. It is great that you think that your friends and family will be accepting. Perhaps if you try and think of one person that you think would be the easiest to tell then you can formulate a plan about the best way for you to go about that. I think sometimes when a task seems so big it can just seem really overwhelming and when things seem overwhelming it can just be too hard and difficult to know how to take the first step.
     
  7. A girl

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    Thank you for great advice!
    I think you are very right! It does seem really overwhelming, and it is very difficult to know where to start. I have a very strong bond with my mother, and feel that it would be unfair if I didn't tell her first, but at the same time, she is one of the most scary people to tell. Not because she is unaccepting (I'm sure she will take it well and be super nice about it), but because it is such a big step and it just feels scary. Therefore, it think it would be easier to tell my cousin, who is also my best friend, first although it feels unfair to my mother. What do you think I should do?

    I don't know why I find it so difficult to come out when I know that most of my friends and family will be really accepting and kind. I know that many people are in so much worse situations than myself, and they manage to find the courage to come out, so it shouldn't really be a problem for me. I feel like I don't have the right to complain, if that makes sense, so sorry if this seems like I'm making problems out of nothing. It just feels so scary
     
  8. silverhalo

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    I get what you are saying about having accepting friends and family, I was in a similar situation but you can only deal with what's in front of you. Sure there are people in worse situations, there is almost always someone worse off but you cannot be hard on yourself that your situation is less hard. Or that up until this point you havent done it, you will get there when the time is right.
    Often the people closest to us are the hardest to tell as we have the most to lose (not that it sounds like you will lose anything). I think telling your cousin first sounds like a good idea. I can appreciate feeling like you should tell your Mother first but this is your journey and it should be what is right for you. It is not like you have told everyone but not your Mother. You can start with your cousin and then when you feel ready perhaps your Mother can be next. I am sure your Mother would understand your choices, I dont think that is a problem at all. I told a couple of friends before I told my Parents and family. It has to be whatever feels right for you.
     
  9. A girl

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    Thank you so much for such supporting reply! You have no idea what it means to me <3
    I am staying in my hometown for this week, and I won't be here again until Christmas, so a part of me feels like I should grab the opportunitiy and tell them this week. That way, I can go back to the city where I study and start being open about everything, without feeling guilty that I haven't told the people closest to me first.
    Do you have any thoughts on how I should tell my cousin? She is not a very serious person, so I feel that it would be awkward to sit down and have a deep conversation about me liking girls. We never talk about that sort of things, and it's difficult to know how to start the conversation.
    A part of me almost feels that it's unnecessary to tell her (and a lot of other people I know) because they won't mind anyway, but at the same time I feel like it is important for me to tell them so that I can start exploring and accepting that part of my identity and life in a way that I haven't been able to do before. Does that make sense?
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Yeah absolutely there are people who dont tell people officially and then just for example announce they have a girlfriend or something like that and there isnt a right or wrong way as such just whatever feels most comfortable for you. I know that for me, I couldn't have done it that way but it doesnt make it wrong. It is the same for how to tell your cousin it is whatever feels most comfortable for you. The first few people I told, I told via messages, be that text message or emails etc. I didnt feel that I could do it face to face but knew I wanted to tell those people. So that is an option. Another alternative is just to tell her face to face. If you don't know if you will be able to bring it up in conversation then you could send her a message and say something like, when I see you later there is something I want to tell you or talk about. That way when you meet she will probably bring it up and say 'what is it you wanted to tell me' or something like that. Some people write letters it really just depends what you feel is best for you.
     
  11. A girl

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    Thank you so much! <3 <3 <3
    I will update you on how it goes. Your advice is so helpful to me!
    Have a great day! <3
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Anytime, no problem. Definitely let us know how it goes :slight_smile:.