Coming to grips with the realities of being trans

So it's been a hot minute since I last posted. A lot has happened since, I tried going through the official system to have my gender reassigned, but the gatekeepers didn't let me through, I guess I wasn't pretty enough. In my desperation I started seeking other alternatives, and found a source willing and capable of providing me with the correct hormones and anti-androgens.
I've been on HRT for 6 months now, and every day my hope, that things could get better dims.

I've been "blessed" with extremely masculine facial features. Ignore my avatar, that's just my picture processed by a feminizing A.I. program, a sweet dream that can never come true. 6 months in and I've started to see some minor changes, but I've also come to understand that HRT will never be able to fix my highly masculine face, that would require surgery (which I'll never be able to afford). So essentially, this is it. I might feminize a little bit more over the years, but it has become painfully clear to me, that I will never pass. Not even remotely. I will always be read as male.

So now my struggle is coming to terms with the fact that I will always be the pariah I feared I would be. Too feminine to feel comfortable in male lockers rooms / toilets, and far too masculine to fit in with the ladies. I don't go out much anymore, people give me disgusted looks, and young men shout obscenities at me.

I honestly feel quite depressed. I feel like I've been doomed to a life of loneliness, hated for simply existing, and it's a lot to handle. I don't really talk to my family anymore either, they've chosen not to honor my identity, so I don't contact them, and feel quite alone in the world.

I go to therapy, but frankly, it's been useless. The therapist has been completely unable to help me, and talking to them (non-binary therapist) just frustrates me. Even though they are trans too, I am not sure they understand what I'm trying to tell them. I also can't help but feel, that in spite of all, they see me as a man, but that might just be my dysphoria talking.

So yeah, I have a lot on my plate, and I have no idea how to handle it all. How many more years can I handle being constantly misgendered, how many more years can I handle the isolation and all the hate that I face? Every day I think about killing myself, but then decide not to do it, if for no other reason than to spite the haters. I don't want to give them the pleasure.

 

@CharlieLuca

No, it isn't possible for me to change therapists and there are no support groups. I said I think about killing myself every day, but for the time being, I have no intention of killing myself. To take a line from Jeffrey Marsh, aimed at all the haters: "I'm not here to make you comfortable". I take a certain amount of delight, from the fact that my mere existence upsets certain people, although it does leave me feeling vulnerable.

@staticinmyattic

Please don't put me up on a pedestal. I'm not brave, I am in fact, a big old coward. I don't present fem most days, because of convenience. Most days, I just want to be able to walk outside without all the hassle, so I shroud myself in a hoodie and a mask, and enjoy the invisibility. Ever since starting my transition, I have started becoming more and more wary of men, especially groups of young men make me extremely nervous.

@QuietPeace

As said above, changing therapists isn't possible, neither is changing countries. The deal that I've struck with my HRT provider, keeps me rooted in place, I would not be able to get hormones as easily if I moved, and I will do nothing that would jeopardize my supply. It is too valuable for me.

@Rayland

Yes, haters are going to hate, unfortunately I don't have an inexhaustible supply of self-love at my disposable at the moment, so all the hate slowly wears my armor down and starts corroding my heart. I am not brave, please don't say that, I am terrified all the time, which is why I spend most of my time safely locked away in my home.

Thank you to you all for your kind words, it is a hard task that has been given to us, and I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting to decline from this fate, but I am always reminded of something in the Lord of the Rings:

"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

As a widely hated minority, we are called upon to practice radical self-love, more than any other. We can't choose the time we're born in, but we can choose compassion instead of hate. It is hard, I fail at it constantly, but what other choice is there?
Hate the world, hate yourself, grow bitter and cynical, and give up?