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No interest in improving relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by dano218, Aug 5, 2021.

  1. dano218

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    I had a big falling out with my older sister 10 years ago and I am now 30 and she is 33. I never was sure her exact reasons for not accepting me as a gay person we never had a real conversation about it. She basically did not want me to be open about it despite most of my family having no problem with it. Although our relationship has been more civil than in the past i don't feel like i will ever get close to her or if i even want to. Is that a bad thing? Just always fear a blow up and that is not what i want right now

    I just wanted to say hi as well because i am barely on this site anymore.
     
  2. meltyblood

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    personally, i dont think theres anything wrong with not wanting to rekindle with someone who doesnt support you and wants you to hide who you are.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    I think walking away from people who are unhealthy for you is a good thing. I wish that I had walked away from my family as soon as they demonstrated that they were unsupportive.
     
  4. dano218

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    Well that is the thing i don't her exact feelings about my sexuality and it's confusing because no one in the family acted like she did or was she raised to act in that way. The reason i can accept our relationship as it is is because we were never that close. Her husband is even nicer to me than she is and i gather that she some personal vendetta against me that goes beyond me being gay. The reason this comes up I am going to my sister's wedding next weekend and it's my first time bringing a significant other to a major family event so it is somewhat nerve racking however i will feel more content than i did at my sister's wedding which was ten years ago and we had a falling out during that same time.
     
  5. Chip

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    Hey, nice to see you back!

    Honestly, you're under no obligation to cultivate a relationship with her. That said, if you have the sense she is genuinely wanting to atone for her past behavior and has honestly changed, then you might want to consider whether that's worth giving her another chance. I'm not suggesting it, but simply pointing out that people can change and come to a different perspective. Whether it's worth the hassle is really your call.
     
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  6. quebec

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    dano218.....People can change, especially over time. She is your sister...my brother and I hated each other growing up but did reconcile later. I now miss him since he has passed. I say give her a chance...if she hasn't changed you can walk away and write her off for good with no guilt on your part since you did give another chance.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  7. dano218

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    I appreciate you responding to my message. I have no interest in cutting my sister off completely and I don’t feel like I will ever be close to her unless she takes some initiative first. She gives me kind gestures from time to time but when it comes to showing in anyway she cares for me she doesn’t seem capable of that. I’m afraid of making the first move because I don’t know how she’ll react and after how badly she treated me in the past I don’t feel comfortable doing so. Regardless of me being gay she never shown me any real kind of respect or so support as a person.

    I mean at my younger sisters wedding recently she barely acknowledged me and I am the only one in the family who gets treated that way by her. I really want to have a honest conversation with her but I’m afraid what it would do to my mental well being to go through that again.
     
  8. SteveBi45

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    You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives.

    I have a similar situation with one of my sisters. Not regarding my sexuality, but we had a major falling out over 20 years ago. Since then, I’m polite to her and have basic chit chat at family gatherings. But that’s all.

    i think this is perfectly ok. Why should you have to get along with everyone?
     
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  9. quebec

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    Dano.....It's sad that there is such a break between you and your sister. I can however understand you not wanting to go through anything like what has happened to you in the past. Your mental well being is more important than your relationship with her...it's horrible to have to say that, but you need to care for your self first. I guess you can hope that some day she will realize that her relationship with you really is important and take steps to heal the wounds that she has inflicted. But in the meantime you do need to protect yourself.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  10. QuietPeace

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    It is true that you cannot chose who you share genes with. I think that it is also true that just because you share genes with someone that they are not necessarily supportive and can even be toxic. You also should not be compelled in any way to allow them to abuse you.
     
    #10 QuietPeace, Sep 3, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2021
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  11. dano218

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    The strangest part she is the only one in my family who really made an issue out of it. I think it is a more bigger issue then just my sexuality and she has this contempt for me that I can’t even begin to understand. I never felt close to her not as if she never done anything nice for me she has it just is very rare for her to do.
     
  12. dano218

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    I do hope so as well though I still have a strong feeling it has to be more on her part to rebuild that trust and communication.
     
  13. Sp3ct3re

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    I think I have some good advice in this category, first let me tell you a story

    As a kid my mom was constantly moving around due to her dad being in the military, although she has some fond memories of him from when she was a kid, he wasn't the ideal parent, as the years went on they gradually fell out of contact, over the years she made numerous attempts to reconnect with him, and they were never reciprocated, in fact the woman he is now married to even made her cry at one point.

    While it is up to you to try and reconnect, it is there job to try to do the same, there are some shitty and selfish people in this world, my advice is simple, just ask yourself "Will she try to return the efforts to reconnect?" your answer for this is the answer for if it was ever worth the effort to recconect, she might come back to you one day with a new understanding and acceptingness, and if and when that day comes, its your job to make sure she continues to understand, until then, stop stresing about it.